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raybearDespite my sometimes inability to take charge of my own destiny or even the smaller parts of my life and my occasional desire for a swift kick in the pants from some life coach or drill sargent or dominatrix, I still manage to take care of myself pretty well.
But this doesn't exactly explain the control-freak aspects of my personality. The moment I have to depend on someone else I get this feeling of dread, so much so that I often just change my mind and take it back shortly after asking or requesting or delegating a task. 'Just, never mind, I'll do it, never mind.'
I often joke that when I do allow someone else to handle a task, they somehow fail me or let me down, which just reiterates my initial desire to not trust anyone else to do anything ever. But then I wonder if I bring it on myself -- I approach the dynamic with such apprehension and unclear communication that I'm setting it up to fail and reaffirm what I already know.
Though to my credit, I did at one point look up at my life and realize I was surrounded by astonishing amounts of either gross incompetency or general immaturity and selfishness. But that was many years ago. Those folks are not around. I have remarkable numbers of competent and independent and self-sufficient people in my life who are also available for occasionally lending me a hand and can be depended on for quality assistance.
Except at work.
But this doesn't exactly explain the control-freak aspects of my personality. The moment I have to depend on someone else I get this feeling of dread, so much so that I often just change my mind and take it back shortly after asking or requesting or delegating a task. 'Just, never mind, I'll do it, never mind.'
I often joke that when I do allow someone else to handle a task, they somehow fail me or let me down, which just reiterates my initial desire to not trust anyone else to do anything ever. But then I wonder if I bring it on myself -- I approach the dynamic with such apprehension and unclear communication that I'm setting it up to fail and reaffirm what I already know.
Though to my credit, I did at one point look up at my life and realize I was surrounded by astonishing amounts of either gross incompetency or general immaturity and selfishness. But that was many years ago. Those folks are not around. I have remarkable numbers of competent and independent and self-sufficient people in my life who are also available for occasionally lending me a hand and can be depended on for quality assistance.
Except at work.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-20 05:21 pm (UTC)However, I have not ruled out writing the essay later, especially if I get IN to a grad school and have to start writing papers regularly.