raybear | There's something kinda funny 'bout a man making money off a blond haired blue eyed girl

I hate dependency on routine. Well, that's not true. It doesn't bother me too much when the routine is going smoothly and regularly, but when it gets disrupted and I feel uncomfortable, then I hate it.

I spoke to Lowenstein for about two minutes this morning. I just called to say 'howdy', thinking I'd be more likely to catch her earlier rather than later because of performing and whatnot. We gave abbreviated updates and she said she bought me a present and that she missed me last night and had a hard time sleeping and I said she just needed a wall and her own bed and then she had to get off the phone, as did I, and when I hung up I felt more unsettled and disconnected then before I called. I think there are just too many things going on right now that I can't really miss her or even feel silly about missing her. It's been all of two days and there will be two more days, but it's sort of weird time for me. I want to unpack but then I think "Should I wait until she gets back and ask what she thinks? Should I wait until she moves her stuff in before I arrange the books?" I somehow feel denied all the happy movie montage elements of moving in with someone and instead we're just stuck with all the annoying parts and stress. I think I'm also having flashbacks to the summer when I moved my entire apartment alone while my partner of the time was temporarily living in a remote location in the woods and I was left to freak out alone. But this is different for a lot of reasons and I shouldn't make too much out of emotional memories, especially when right now I'm just tired with miles to go before I sleep and that always makes me more moody. And for the most part I do feel confident about things working out, it's just sometimes I get tired of thinking about it.

I'm planning on focusing on the rooms I can put together with confidence, like the bathroom and kitchen and den and half of the office. I will soon have coffee at home and will make fantastic food with the toaster oven and Presto cooker until the gas gets turned on. I will resist the temptations to just lie on the fuzzy orange couch with the fuzzy pillow and watch the bad reception cable access channels. And I'm proud of myself for making my bed and putting together a nightstand because I could easily see myself sleeping on the couch every night with a playstation 2 remote in my hand and ice cream melting on my chest like a drunk bachelor.

I know my tone doesn't reveal it, but I am doing relatively well. I do love my new apartment and I'm happy to be there. The energy feels good and I've done a few rituals to make it more welcoming. I just don't love all the boxes that need to be unpacked. Nor do I love all the trash and dustbunnies and furballs at the old place that need to be disposed of.