I don't think "god awful" was in my Crayola box of sixty-four crayons.

[raybear]

Why is it when I'm not on livejournal I think of a million and one things to write about, mostly pop culture or people observations but occasionally more philosophical concepts, yet as soon as I hit that button, my mind blanks to match the window?

At least I remember one thing. Money.

First off, congratufckinglations to me for finally writing this three-page critical analysis and guess what? I think it might actually be good. And I even got really into it and enjoyed myself for the second-half, which is a pleasant sign since I'm sure more of these will be coming along if I go to grad school.

I decided to nix applying for the fellowship, in part because I read all pages of the requirements, and one is not eligible for applying if you're attending grad school at the time of applying or during the year of the award. I was going to apply anyway, thinking that if they wanted to give me $7,000 to write, I would defer grad school for a year. But then I kept reading and found out notification wouldn't happen until the end of December, so looks like I'll wait until the next round in two years. Assuming I'm still living in Illinois. I mean, I'm not planning on going anywhere, but hell, a year ago I probably didn't think I'd be sitting here writing the things I am and thinking the things I think.

What the hell am I thinking?

I'm thinking that I miss Lowenstein who had to go home to her cats and to just be home but I wish that plan could simultaneously inclde her in the bed with me. I'm also thinking that I'm relieved she's feeling welcomed in the new space.
I'm thinking that I really miss cable or maybe I just need to go get that antennae back from TheBrownHornet so I don't hurt my eyes when I'm watching the four or five channels I have, because I don't think I really watch television for the programming, it's more the act itself of allowing my brain to congeal for an hour or two before I wander off to do something more interesting like the logic puzzles I bought at Walgreens or creating a new mix on my computer.
I'm thinking that I still haven't completely embraced my new home but that I'm approaching the space timidly, despite it beckoning to me in a very welcoming way. For some reason I'm gun shy, perhaps because the space was so clean and new and unused when I came into it, but it's patient and allows me to discover it on my own.
I'm thinking that I miss my mother something terrible, though not exactly my mother now since I don't really know what she's like these days but my mother from years ago. The one I knew best and still hold in my heart.
I'm thinking that I'm not looking forward to DJing for six hours tomorrow night which probably means I'll have a relatively good time. Of course now that I've said this, something rotten will happen.
I'm thinking that it's time to go to bed.

Comments

[freakysparks.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking about you and figuring you'd hit a good flow with the analysis. Good luck, and good night.

[bigfatmama.livejournal.com]

hey i commented on your audblog but lj ate it and i hadn't saved it. i loved hearing your voice. it was my first time. and then i had a lot of quitting smoking advice, drink water and take showers pretty much.

i think writing to your friend sounds like a great idea. it's nice when you have someone to talk about god with. rare. my friend matthew. and i also like to read thomas merton when i have that craving.

[vfc.livejournal.com]

Ray. You must see the VMAs ASAP. So funny. I have them on tape. gynomitesunshin is coming over tomorrow evening to watch them. You're more than welcome to join, though I suspect you're busy.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm DJing at Circuit tonight though I'd prefer to come over and crash on your couch to watch them -- can you pay me to do that? But I would love to schedule another time to watch them with you.

Also, what are you doing Sunday night? My friend is in this movie premiering at the film festival at Landmark, showing at 8:45 pm. I forget the title, but the movie is based on this therapy experiment where doctors and patients lived together in this house.