raybear | It's not up to you (it never really was)

Dear Diary,

Last night a long awaited dream came true. I sang "On My Own" at karaoke. Even better, it was a duet with a fabulous person who nailed Patti's part and frankly I was just happy to be on stage, along for the ride. I love karaoke. I love knowing people who love karaoke.

After my week getting off to a false start yesterday, I'm doing much better today. I felt so offkilter yesterday for a lot of reasons, and I think it's part of a larger problem of not feeling very centered. In discussions last night, Lowenstein expressed concerned about me feeling bored or in a rut, when it's somewhat the opposite is happening with me. I need a sense of stability and security, even just something small, and right now my life is so busy and full and occasionally out of control (mostly in a good way) that it's easy for me to get overwhelmed for no rational reason and then I unfortunately start to feel the temptation of self-sabotage. I never really thought I was one of those people who would spoil their own happiness for no real reason, but there it is, staring at me and taunting me.

As much as I hated this particularly movie that I don't even want to mention, there's a scene that sticks in my head and sometimes I'll be lying down and envisioning Penelope Cruz leaning over me and saying "open your eyes". Not because it was particularly sexy but there is something about the idea of metaphorically waking up that appeals to me. Wake up. Wake up. This is what I've been meditating on when I find myself starting to drift off into the land of "I feel artificially dissatisfied because that's easier for me than accepting that I deserve to be happy and things are going well." Damn, even writing it out makes it sound even more ridiculous.

It's a combination of things. Starting with change -- still setting up my house, still getting acquainted with the new neighbhorhood and home, settling into a semblance of a routine with living with Lowenstein. Then there's my recent intense focus on creative loves: three DJ gigs in the month of October in addition to my recording arts class and possible collaborative sound projects. Deciding on what grad school to attend, then the preparation for going to the first residency. Paying more attention to my own creative process and development as how I want to be a writer. Writing itself.

My life certainly isn't perfect: financial problems, family troubles, dealing with the stress and demoralizing nature of a day job. But I got it pretty fcking amazing right now, with possibilities and opportunities and people and....a specific person (who I could write pages and pages on and I have but they remain hidden). I have high levels of confidence, I'm going out an enjoying myself at social events, I feel productive when I spend time alone at home. I could use a little more focus on my spiritual reconnecting, but I'm even working on that more actively rather than just sitting around saying what I "should" be doing. So why do I feel I have two devils on my shoulders, one whispering to me about how I'm still discontent and can't I "do better" with my life? While the second tells me I better hurry up and enjoy this because soon someone will realize that I'm living a life that wasn't meant for me, that I don't deserve and I'll have to go back to being miserable. The former seems like the ghost of family patterns, clinging to traditional ideas of success that I've long ago rejected but they continue to haunt me at moments when I'm most vulnerable. The latter is about basic esteem, the quality that come off as martyrish at times ("of course all these other people deserve great success and happiness! I couldn't be happier for them and I'm happy to contribute to their goals! I'll be over here in the shadows now...") and I need to not fear the risk of being narcissistic when in reality I'm just self-involved as one should be when you're supporting and encouraging yourself, engaging the world with confidence.

Open your eyes.

I still have some random skeletons and demons to deal with and always will. But I don't have to pay too much attention to them if I don't want. I'll leave that to my dream world and my writing.