raybear | Or life could be fcking great.

I had planned on snuggling up in bed and watching television for a bit [tonight on a very special halloween episode of Angel....] but then I decided the sheets majorly needed washing and curling up on the mattress pad just isn't as comforting. Also, I'm not feeling very patient with television right now.

My gf is currently a sex-crazed slut. How did I get so lucky? Seriously though, I was all ready for a long quiet evening alone, but she surprised me by coming home unexpectedly and we had a nice abbreviated date, complete with various orgasms and dinner and an episode of OZ, before she left again for dress rehearsal and she's probably not coming home until late, if at all, since she's on the prowl for additional trouble. At first I felt a little jealous when she mentioned her possible plans, and I said to myself, 'Hey! I want to have crazy adventures too! I wanted to sleep/makeout/fck with some person!' so then I answer myself back 'so, why don't you?' Then there's a big pause. And I think, oh, maybe not. Maybe I'm quite happy with right now being a bit more withdrawn and staying home with books and saving my debauchery for later (or at least only being debaucherous in my own bed with myself or with her). I realized for that moment I was totally having that 5 year old on the playground reaction, that moment of seeing someone pick up a toy ten feet away and you yell 'gimme! I was playing with that..or, I was JUST about to...." when really I was quite happy without it.

I'm not sure I'm making sense to anyone but myself here.

I've had several talks about nonmonogamy lately, conversations with some old friends and new friends and even just random anecdotes at parties. But sometimes it's nice to do less talking and just do it (so to speak) and have it work smoothly. Or when the bumps show up, you just slow down and still roll over them. I don't take how well things are working for granted at all. It's that unique combination of trust and honesty and love and individuality and experience and common priorities....and a shitload of luck and blessing that we found each other at the right time.

I was so crazily happy today, not being stuck in an office. I'm laughing quite easily and gently. I caught myself dancing in the alley between Damon's house and his neighbor while waiting for him to come downstairs. It's sort of rare that I just spontaneously feel compelled to dance solely to the music in my head and out of a moment of feeling just pure joy. It doesn't mean I didn't have moody moments today or somehow change the feeling of sadness and anger I experienced last night or any other unpleasant or uncomfortable moments that will certainly arise tomorrow and the next day and probably even tonight. But when I'm able to have those moments of sheer happiness, I know I'm doing pretty well. I initialy wrote "life is going really well", but I need to give myself more credit. Life moves along no matter whether I'm being dragged along or I'm pushing it from behind.