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raybearI used to think I distrusted and disliked all popular people. I assumed (and was told by others) that this is because I was jealous or envious of the attention they received and the mass quantities of friends and groupies surrounding them, that it had more to do with my own insecurity and disbelief that I was worthy of having friends and respect. But then I figured out I only distrust (and only sometimes dislike) certain popular people, not all. I definitely have lots of social butterflies in my life who are connected to lots of folks, and I don't feel suspicious of all of them, only a select few.
And so far, I've batted a thousand on my gut instinct. Several times in my life, these people in the past who caused this reaction have eventually "fallen from heaven" and either self-destructed or on a more minor level, revealed themselves as not the confident self-assured person everyone expected them to be, rarely intentionally wanting to manipulate people yet somehow it ends up feeling that way. Sometimes this revelation was shared with me personally, I ended up being the one they shared it with precisely because I didn't elevate them. Sometimes it happened publicly in some dramatic fashion. Usually they just pass quietly into the memory.
I can't even really describe the intangible reaction I have, but it's always strong and pervasive, most often felt when watching other people interact or discuss their god-like hero, always speaking with complete and nearly blind adoration. It doesn't mean I don't like the person or that I'll treat them unfairly -- actually I have some acquaintances and casual friends that fall into the category. It's just that sometimes I get this feeling that something isn't quite right with them, the pieces aren't adding up, and I'm not sure why such a spell has been cast on so many level-headed people causing them to fawn over them or put them up on a pedestal.
I don't do anything but wait, try to act like it doesn't exist. I might have a strong instinctive reaction, but it's my reaction, so I'm not going to share it with others and risk being wrong or coming off as bitter or a killjoy. So I try to ignore it, even though it nags from my unconscious, cosntantly tapping me on the shoulder, sort of like that prejudiced comment you overheard someone say at a party but didn't confront and now it haunts and clouds every conversation with the person thereafter.
Or maybe it is just envy.
And so far, I've batted a thousand on my gut instinct. Several times in my life, these people in the past who caused this reaction have eventually "fallen from heaven" and either self-destructed or on a more minor level, revealed themselves as not the confident self-assured person everyone expected them to be, rarely intentionally wanting to manipulate people yet somehow it ends up feeling that way. Sometimes this revelation was shared with me personally, I ended up being the one they shared it with precisely because I didn't elevate them. Sometimes it happened publicly in some dramatic fashion. Usually they just pass quietly into the memory.
I can't even really describe the intangible reaction I have, but it's always strong and pervasive, most often felt when watching other people interact or discuss their god-like hero, always speaking with complete and nearly blind adoration. It doesn't mean I don't like the person or that I'll treat them unfairly -- actually I have some acquaintances and casual friends that fall into the category. It's just that sometimes I get this feeling that something isn't quite right with them, the pieces aren't adding up, and I'm not sure why such a spell has been cast on so many level-headed people causing them to fawn over them or put them up on a pedestal.
I don't do anything but wait, try to act like it doesn't exist. I might have a strong instinctive reaction, but it's my reaction, so I'm not going to share it with others and risk being wrong or coming off as bitter or a killjoy. So I try to ignore it, even though it nags from my unconscious, cosntantly tapping me on the shoulder, sort of like that prejudiced comment you overheard someone say at a party but didn't confront and now it haunts and clouds every conversation with the person thereafter.
Or maybe it is just envy.
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Date: 2003-11-13 09:26 am (UTC)Its funny I had someone at the last con I went to approach me with this attitude like I was someone of import. I finally felt to compelled to explain that I was lower than nobody and although I am pretty good at making myself sound interesting I am duller than fucking fisherprice scissors.
Perhaps I too will take a tumble from atop my carefully constructed anthill.
Lets hope it involves psychotropic drugs and me dancing naked in a fountain...
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Date: 2003-11-13 09:52 am (UTC)Maybe my waryness will become a self-fulfilling prophecy of my own life and tumble from grace. One can only dream.
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Date: 2003-11-13 07:21 pm (UTC)I'm off to go stare longingly into the mirror now...
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Date: 2003-11-13 10:58 am (UTC)i can give you more gossip on ariel, but it'll cost you... ;P just joshin' ya.