Am I a slut?
Jul. 3rd, 2001 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybear[First of all, if your name is MelRo and you're reading this before talking to me, please drop me a line. If we've talked already, then this will be very redundant.]
So I talked to a guy from a Reader ad last night and I made an arrangement to meet him for drinks on Thursday night. There are about 50 things going on in my head right now becuase of this. Now, if I not in a relationship right now, this would still be a little complicated beacuse I'd want to make sure I'm ok with going out with this guy and possibly hooking up. And I think I would be nervous, but would be ok as long as I realized I'm under no obligations except to my own self and safety. And I would go out with him. And I would maybe do....something....with him. But it's hella more complicated than that right now. I called up my boy last night and talked about it some (and we even did a reading, which basically told me I need to simma down now and trust my gut), but the person I most want to talk to is completely unavailable to me. And this is sort of bringing up these other weird larger issues about how I'm feeling all weird and co-dependent and abandoned because I go through my entire day and have no way of contacting my beloved. Now, this is NOT some sort of comment on her, because I know she's busy and out in the middle of the woods and not trying to dis me or anything. I am owning my feelings thank you very much, and I'm not putting this on her. But I am finally owning up to that fact that this arrangement sucks and I feel like hell. I have very little opportunities to lean on the person who's been my primary support (and still is). And is this thereby affecting my judgement when it comes to giving a blowjob to a complete stranger? I kept help but think it does. I don't want this. Well, I do. I do want to have a specific sexual experience, but not if it's going to be complicated and unfulfilling for me, and perhaps even hurtful to her. So I really really just want to talk to her, and I'm sure I'll calm down and not feel so....I don't even know. It's not even a case of needing her approval for everything I do or want -- it's more that I don't want to fck up anything between us. I can't pretend that my sexual desire is happening in a vacuum. But yet, in some ways, it is completely removed from my feelings and desire and relationship with her. I know who I want and why. And it's her. But I feel sort of strained because we're so disconnected right now. The irony is that if we were talking everyday (or nearly everday) I would probably have no urges for any extra curricular activities. Hell, phone-sex with her would top most activities with others. So I don't know. I feel I need to go back and read my ethical slut and s/m stuff and rethink some things -- but on the other hand, I wonder if I'm just overthinking the whole thing. I should either just not go out and stay abstinent (but not celibate!) this summer, or I should just go fool around with this guy and not take it seriously because it's not anything serious. But I can't make this decision by myself because it involves someone else's feelings. Argh.
Ok, enough ranting. But now that I've gotten it out, it'll help me concentrate on work, since I might not get a chance to talk to her for many many hours.
So I talked to a guy from a Reader ad last night and I made an arrangement to meet him for drinks on Thursday night. There are about 50 things going on in my head right now becuase of this. Now, if I not in a relationship right now, this would still be a little complicated beacuse I'd want to make sure I'm ok with going out with this guy and possibly hooking up. And I think I would be nervous, but would be ok as long as I realized I'm under no obligations except to my own self and safety. And I would go out with him. And I would maybe do....something....with him. But it's hella more complicated than that right now. I called up my boy last night and talked about it some (and we even did a reading, which basically told me I need to simma down now and trust my gut), but the person I most want to talk to is completely unavailable to me. And this is sort of bringing up these other weird larger issues about how I'm feeling all weird and co-dependent and abandoned because I go through my entire day and have no way of contacting my beloved. Now, this is NOT some sort of comment on her, because I know she's busy and out in the middle of the woods and not trying to dis me or anything. I am owning my feelings thank you very much, and I'm not putting this on her. But I am finally owning up to that fact that this arrangement sucks and I feel like hell. I have very little opportunities to lean on the person who's been my primary support (and still is). And is this thereby affecting my judgement when it comes to giving a blowjob to a complete stranger? I kept help but think it does. I don't want this. Well, I do. I do want to have a specific sexual experience, but not if it's going to be complicated and unfulfilling for me, and perhaps even hurtful to her. So I really really just want to talk to her, and I'm sure I'll calm down and not feel so....I don't even know. It's not even a case of needing her approval for everything I do or want -- it's more that I don't want to fck up anything between us. I can't pretend that my sexual desire is happening in a vacuum. But yet, in some ways, it is completely removed from my feelings and desire and relationship with her. I know who I want and why. And it's her. But I feel sort of strained because we're so disconnected right now. The irony is that if we were talking everyday (or nearly everday) I would probably have no urges for any extra curricular activities. Hell, phone-sex with her would top most activities with others. So I don't know. I feel I need to go back and read my ethical slut and s/m stuff and rethink some things -- but on the other hand, I wonder if I'm just overthinking the whole thing. I should either just not go out and stay abstinent (but not celibate!) this summer, or I should just go fool around with this guy and not take it seriously because it's not anything serious. But I can't make this decision by myself because it involves someone else's feelings. Argh.
Ok, enough ranting. But now that I've gotten it out, it'll help me concentrate on work, since I might not get a chance to talk to her for many many hours.
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Re: ES
Date: 2001-07-03 08:42 am (UTC)I agree with Joe's thoughts - except that it seems to me that you haven't QUITE figured out yet if you wanting to hook it on up with someone _is_ a seperation of your feelings for M or if it is an extension of your frustration about not being able to be with her. And like Alex said, just go ahead and talk to her, to sort that out a bit more clearly.
Good luck and keep us posted
J
Re: ES
Date: 2001-07-03 08:46 am (UTC)And yes, I am planning on talking to her -- I left a voicemail asking her to contact me with a time when we could talk either today or tomorrow. So I'm sort of just waiting by the phone. I decided to post as a way of organizing my thoughts of what I'm going to tell her (and to kill time until we talk!). So don't worry -- I'm not substituting LJ for a real convo! :)