Am I a slut?
Jul. 3rd, 2001 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybear[First of all, if your name is MelRo and you're reading this before talking to me, please drop me a line. If we've talked already, then this will be very redundant.]
So I talked to a guy from a Reader ad last night and I made an arrangement to meet him for drinks on Thursday night. There are about 50 things going on in my head right now becuase of this. Now, if I not in a relationship right now, this would still be a little complicated beacuse I'd want to make sure I'm ok with going out with this guy and possibly hooking up. And I think I would be nervous, but would be ok as long as I realized I'm under no obligations except to my own self and safety. And I would go out with him. And I would maybe do....something....with him. But it's hella more complicated than that right now. I called up my boy last night and talked about it some (and we even did a reading, which basically told me I need to simma down now and trust my gut), but the person I most want to talk to is completely unavailable to me. And this is sort of bringing up these other weird larger issues about how I'm feeling all weird and co-dependent and abandoned because I go through my entire day and have no way of contacting my beloved. Now, this is NOT some sort of comment on her, because I know she's busy and out in the middle of the woods and not trying to dis me or anything. I am owning my feelings thank you very much, and I'm not putting this on her. But I am finally owning up to that fact that this arrangement sucks and I feel like hell. I have very little opportunities to lean on the person who's been my primary support (and still is). And is this thereby affecting my judgement when it comes to giving a blowjob to a complete stranger? I kept help but think it does. I don't want this. Well, I do. I do want to have a specific sexual experience, but not if it's going to be complicated and unfulfilling for me, and perhaps even hurtful to her. So I really really just want to talk to her, and I'm sure I'll calm down and not feel so....I don't even know. It's not even a case of needing her approval for everything I do or want -- it's more that I don't want to fck up anything between us. I can't pretend that my sexual desire is happening in a vacuum. But yet, in some ways, it is completely removed from my feelings and desire and relationship with her. I know who I want and why. And it's her. But I feel sort of strained because we're so disconnected right now. The irony is that if we were talking everyday (or nearly everday) I would probably have no urges for any extra curricular activities. Hell, phone-sex with her would top most activities with others. So I don't know. I feel I need to go back and read my ethical slut and s/m stuff and rethink some things -- but on the other hand, I wonder if I'm just overthinking the whole thing. I should either just not go out and stay abstinent (but not celibate!) this summer, or I should just go fool around with this guy and not take it seriously because it's not anything serious. But I can't make this decision by myself because it involves someone else's feelings. Argh.
Ok, enough ranting. But now that I've gotten it out, it'll help me concentrate on work, since I might not get a chance to talk to her for many many hours.
So I talked to a guy from a Reader ad last night and I made an arrangement to meet him for drinks on Thursday night. There are about 50 things going on in my head right now becuase of this. Now, if I not in a relationship right now, this would still be a little complicated beacuse I'd want to make sure I'm ok with going out with this guy and possibly hooking up. And I think I would be nervous, but would be ok as long as I realized I'm under no obligations except to my own self and safety. And I would go out with him. And I would maybe do....something....with him. But it's hella more complicated than that right now. I called up my boy last night and talked about it some (and we even did a reading, which basically told me I need to simma down now and trust my gut), but the person I most want to talk to is completely unavailable to me. And this is sort of bringing up these other weird larger issues about how I'm feeling all weird and co-dependent and abandoned because I go through my entire day and have no way of contacting my beloved. Now, this is NOT some sort of comment on her, because I know she's busy and out in the middle of the woods and not trying to dis me or anything. I am owning my feelings thank you very much, and I'm not putting this on her. But I am finally owning up to that fact that this arrangement sucks and I feel like hell. I have very little opportunities to lean on the person who's been my primary support (and still is). And is this thereby affecting my judgement when it comes to giving a blowjob to a complete stranger? I kept help but think it does. I don't want this. Well, I do. I do want to have a specific sexual experience, but not if it's going to be complicated and unfulfilling for me, and perhaps even hurtful to her. So I really really just want to talk to her, and I'm sure I'll calm down and not feel so....I don't even know. It's not even a case of needing her approval for everything I do or want -- it's more that I don't want to fck up anything between us. I can't pretend that my sexual desire is happening in a vacuum. But yet, in some ways, it is completely removed from my feelings and desire and relationship with her. I know who I want and why. And it's her. But I feel sort of strained because we're so disconnected right now. The irony is that if we were talking everyday (or nearly everday) I would probably have no urges for any extra curricular activities. Hell, phone-sex with her would top most activities with others. So I don't know. I feel I need to go back and read my ethical slut and s/m stuff and rethink some things -- but on the other hand, I wonder if I'm just overthinking the whole thing. I should either just not go out and stay abstinent (but not celibate!) this summer, or I should just go fool around with this guy and not take it seriously because it's not anything serious. But I can't make this decision by myself because it involves someone else's feelings. Argh.
Ok, enough ranting. But now that I've gotten it out, it'll help me concentrate on work, since I might not get a chance to talk to her for many many hours.
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Re: ES
Date: 2001-07-03 08:43 am (UTC)Also, you hold a special place in my heart because you're the only tranny slut DJ boi that I converse with on a regular basis. And being creepy helps too.
Re: ES
Date: 2001-07-03 09:13 am (UTC)I think that once you figure out yourself and realize your Way, you will be able to hear about other Ways and you will be able to know about other selves and, If you really have figured out your Way and your Self, this will only strengthen your belief in your Way and your Self. Or at least that's how it works for me and all things.
And:
It has been said: [not an exact quote]
"When you are caught in the rains, you should know you will get wet. Though you run under store fronts and duck under ledges, you will get wet. If you resolve from the begging the actuality and reality that you will get wet, then you will be able to walk with certainty. As it is with rain, it is with all things."
It's an anciet philosophy and I take it to mean that I should not prolong the inevitable. If I already know what the common-sense way is, I should just skip all the racing around it because it will happen because it is supposed to happen. I will only frustrate myself by pretending that there is a way around it. And this one of the teachings that I have taken into myself and used to help myself in my life as an ethical slut. and in my feelings about gender. It's ok to get wet. Water will not hurt you.
And, you have a special place in my heart as well, Ray.
with brotherly love,
Joe