raybear | Last time I saw you, you were on a stage

I just remember that a large part of my dream last night involved a late-night hangout involving

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj=vimandvigor>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

I just remember that a large part of my dream last night involved a late-night hangout involving <user site="livejournal.com" user="foxycoxy">, <lj=vimandvigor>, <user site="livejournal.com" user="mintwaster"> and others who's identities I can't remember. We went as a group to a store. It turned into an armed robbery. Somehow it was my idea, mentioned as a joke, but then it because this conversation of "yeah, we need money, why don't we deserve as much as thieves get?" and next thing you know someone in our group's pulled a gun and pockets were filled with money and we ran.

We hid badly in some bushes in a suburban neighborhood and the police found us quickly. They issued us these strange tickets that listed how much our bond was. Mine was the highest, even though I never held the gun or even took any money. The cop insinuated that I had to pay more to try and make me confess and rat out the others. I called <user site="livejournal.com" user="dommeyourass"> for legal help, feeling equal parts embarassed about my deeds but excited by the dirty cop and her potential for busting him. She asked why we robbed a store. I said I think they were all drunk. She asked "what was your excuse?" I genuinely had no idea why or how I'd exactly gotten myself in the predicament.

I'm not sure how that dream ended because it switched to one involving living in a beach house with <user site="livejournal.com" user="dommeyourass"> and Mistress Minax. And learning to surf. Which I would probably never do in real life.

<lj-cut text="loooooong musings on last night, in part written in a courtroom this morning">

I sometimes get worried I'm addicted to melatonin because I <b>love</b> how I feel at night drifting off after taking it and I'm concerned I'll somehow never get to sleep without it ever again or the converse where I accidentally overdose and never wake up again. Both of these are ridiculous notions, as I rarely take it more than once every week or two and I never take more than the recommended dosage to not exceed (they warn against more than 3 mg, I usually take 1 mg, 2 mg maximum). Last night I could feel that I'd consumed too much caffeine over the weekend plus I was restless, so I took the melatonin to ensure a reasonable bedtime. I really should place my concern about possible addictions in genuine problems, like my caffeine consumption, for example. But that's too hard -- it's easier to make up problems that don't exist and therefore don't need solutions.

She tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. I did some of that myself, but soon the herbal drugs kicked in so I was physically relaxed and still mentally alert and aware. At first I was convinced there was a presence in the house. It seemed too coincidental that we both felt bored and restless in the evening and at bedtime. Then unable to get comfortable. Then unable to sleep. Then extremely hot and flushed. Especially her, who's always cold. So the logical answer to my lucid dreaming state was a spirit somehow casting a spell over us both, trying to get our attention, or at least cause mischief.

I let that scenario drop. And had a flashback. I lie in bed and remember feverish insomniac nights of adolescence that often fell near the holidays. The anxiety and anticipation and time off and rituals and happiness. Spending large amounts of time at social events until late, coming home to a quiet house and being unable to settle down.

In these waking moments I always imagined the top shelf of my closet. Why? What was there? Folded sweaters and sweatshirts with iron-on prints. Pajamas that choke and restrain my arms, that wrap around my legs as I twist and shuffle and search for the position where sleep will find me. I still rarely wear pajama bottoms for sleeping, only for pre-bed and post-bed but last night I left them on because of the chill so perhaps that's what triggered my memories of xmas insomnia. The other feelings of that time tap on the window, but I focus intently only on the inability to sleep, not the causes.

So it's my fault you can't sleep, I imagine. My melatonin induced haze of memory leads to recreation of past events. My body burns and produces heat that forces off the covers and kicks the dog and my skin is flush and uncomfortable to touch. Except you toss and turn and I remain immobile, sitting in only a removed memory. While you have entered a waking dream state, my brain has cut off the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality, fact and memory, because they are not the same.

I drift off to sleep without you, leaving someone else to live out my past.