raybear | my 10,000th post of the day....

an e-mail to Damon that I just sent:

I finally got a hold of MelRo. We're going to talk tonight, probably when after I get home from therapy. I feel all weird now, for some reason. And right now I'm thinking about just calling the guy and saying "i have to go out of town, sorry. I'll call you later." Adn then not even talking about it with her. Oh, let's call the whole thing off?
Anyway, she sounds really tired and things have been orca busy, as you would say, so I'm just not sure it would be cool to get her on the phone and be like "yeah, so I'm going to go sleep with someone else while your having a miserable time far away....." Plus, today I'm just feeling all neglected and needy and isht so I don't really want to get on the phone and be like "you never call! you never write! i don't feel loved! so i'm going to go sleep with a stranger cause we're nonmonogamous, right?" hmmm. file under: not cool. So I think tonight I'm going to tell her about how this opportunity presented itself and I was thinking a lot about whether it was something I really wanted and then I was worried about whether it would hurt her, and then I just started to think about her and feel disconnected so I wanted to talk and check in and make sure things are ok. I might also suggest us setting up a once a week date to talk by phone, though i'm not sure it's viable since her schedule might change a lot.
So I'm not sure if this is following my gut or what, but I feel a little bit better now that we have a chance to talk I guess I also realized she probably won't get the letter I wrote until Thursday, because tomorrow is a federal holiday.
I've been totally on edge ALL day today. like nearly losing it twice. which is weird since the last time I shed any tears was the day she left, and before that....I can't even remember. Oh, and it turns out that yesterday morning after I called, she got busy, then at noon had to go learn to drive a van with a trailer, then went on an overnight trip with campers, then got back today at noon. and tomorrow morning she's leaving at like 5 am to go pick up the canoe trip (hence the van + trailer driving). so I don't want to keep her up all night talking on the phone about some stressful potentially painful topic like hooking up with someone else.
on top of everything else, I got called fcking "lady" at Zoom kitchen (Lisa and I were in line and he said "can I help you ladies") and normally I just blow off that shit, but it totally messed with my head in this weird way -- like I started to not feel very confident about myself and then I started to think I couldn't sleep with this weird stranger who thinks i'm a fcking guy in a dress. what the fuck was I thinking?
am i overreacting now? possibly.

I really am starting to feel more human now. And I think this e-mail really captured some of my conclusions.

I guess it's a good thing I have therapy tonight. And we're going to try and talk as soon as I get home, so we'll have more time. I got to talk to her for about 2 minutes, and she is just tired, so I am being a paranoid freak. So I just want to talk and reconnect some. Then I'll probably call my "date" tomorrow and postpone indefinitely. I'm not at the right place for this.

I'm sure y'all are sick of seeing my name on your friends page by now....but I don't have work tomorrow, so you won't hear from me until Thursday morning. The horror! The horror!

Oh, and thanks to folks who've been commenting and following this far. It's nice having a sounding board in addition to just writing out my feelings.