raybear | "Not just any cock will do"

That was my favorite line from yesterday evening. I went out for a drink with my friend Dan, who i went to school with, and we just reconnected not too long ago (even though we both live in Chicago...). He was one of my favorite people at school and in BGALA, so I'm glad he's back in my life. So anyway, we met Melanie's apt (soon to be my apt...), played some catch up (e.g. he didn't know I was moving in with her), and then went to Cocktail and met my friend Meg and her gf. I had a good time chatting with them -- it was all really laid back and cool, and I miss talking to Meg, so I want to get back in the habit of seeing her on a more regular basis, even if it's only once every two weeks. They left around 11, and Dan & I stayed around a little longer chatting. I told him about the whole Reader ad, wanting to hook up with a boy, trying to find one, not sure if I REALLY wanted to, etc. etc. And he cracked me up, because he got all serious and had this whole "Ok, here's the deal..." sort of tone in his voice, and said that he thinks that even though I have this fantasy/desire for a random counter, that when it really came down to it, not just any cock will do. That I've be surprisingly picky and have high standards because that's the person I am. And I think he's about 80% true in his assessment. I think even in my fantasy life if I think about some weird/not typically attractive/sleazy guy and fucking him, the reason it's hot is because it's my fantasy and I make it hot and I want it. But in real life, I can't just pretend chemsitry isn't there. And this is related to why I called of the date tonight -- I didn't feel like I was in a position of power. I thought I'd be ok with sleeping with someone who has a tranny fetish because I'm just sleeping with them because I have a cock fetish. But in the end, I don't feel 100% enough in my body to be secure in that transaction, so to speak.

So to be real, I only have about 2 weeks until I see MelRo in person. Than after I return to Chicago, I'll have one month until she returns, and during that time I'll be busy packing and moving. So I don't think I"m going to become tortured by this weird unexpected desire -- I'll get along just fine. Especially because I have my self as a lover, and I'm a guy, so every time I jack off I'm having gay sex...Ha. And I'm going to open to any possibilities, if I go out to a party or something. I was just talking about this in a comment to Ridley -- I'm not planning on pursuing anything, but if something happens, I'lll play it by ear. Dan was cracking me up when we talked about the Reader ad, because he said my REAL ad would be a page long with who I am and where I'm coming from plus what I wanted. And he's right. Even though I had a romaticized image of things, that's exactly what it was -- romanticized. And I'll continue to have my fun fantasies -- don't get me wrong. But I'm going to hang on to the power for a bit longer.

I feel like i should post more about my conversation with Melanie, seeing as I posted about 5000 words prior to the conversation, so it should take another 5000 to resolve it, n'est-ce pas? Ce n'est pas vrai. I don't have much to add to what I said yesterday. But I do think this is another good learning front on my battle with my anxiety.

Last night I slept in Melanie's apartment. I slept on the futon couch, partly because her room is filled with boxes that her roomates are storing, partly because it's near an A/C unit, and partly because I don't think I could deal with sleeping in her bed without her. But I did use her pillows and sheets, which were sort of comforting. I'm such a weird melodramatic sucker. I'm totally the type who makes up songs and leaves them on voicemails. And writes sappy letters. And puts together mixtapes that I label "catharsis" and include lots of songs that articulate my longwinded longing. Though I realized when I made the tape, there aren't a lot of songs I like that really articulate the whole "I love you and you're far away" thing. Most of the songs ended up either having one or two lines that fit, but the overall theme of the song is wrong, or the overall theme is similar, but specific lines are totally incorrect. One that fit fairly well is a Shelby Lynne tune. Maybe I'll dig up the lyrics.

Gotta get to work. One last thing though. Yesterday at Damon's, his apartment was like 100 degrees because he had been cooking, and he was ironing his shirt and shorts before we went to the movie. I told him I couldn't believe he was ironing in this heat, and he was talking about how he never used to iron, but about a year ago he became really obsessed with it and does it all the time. Then I told him about Joe and his ironing fetish. Damon paused a minute, then looked at me and said dead seriously, "Yeah, I never thought of that, but I can see that."
So Joe, you may have a convert.