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raybearIt took me three tries to leave the house this morning. First I left without a coat or umbrella, thinking it was barely raining and the walk between stations and buildings is less than two blocks, so I shouldn't bother. But when I stepped onto the porch and saw it was definitely raining, not just rain-ish, I went back up to get a coat. I left a second time, and got only a block away when I realized I forgot to get coffee. So I went back. Yes, I did. I walked back and filled my to-go mug and left a third time. This time I made it to the station.
When I got there, I was getting onto the crowded steamy train when someone tapped my arm. I turned and looked her directly in the face and wondered why she tapped me. She said hi. I said, hey how's it going. Still no idea why she tapped me. We got on and it was awkward and she said she was going to stand over there, and I said okay and stayed put. I assumed she thought I was someone else and that's why she was trying to politely extract herself from the interaction. But I turned around and she was still standing there. I asked where she was headed. We continued with the small talk, I even relented and removed my headphones, and then finally, FINALLY, after nearly ten minutes of talking, I realized exactly who she was and her name and how I knew her, and we ended up having a great conversation for the rest of the train ride. And I only felt a little embarassed about my initial cluelessness. I mean, I'm getting better at the whole "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name, what is it again?", but that's usually when I recognize the face and the person and the context. In this case, I really was convinced for the first ten minutes that we were absolute strangers talking because she thought I was someone else. When we parted ways, I apologized for my cloudy state of mind in the beginning and inwardly thanked myself for going back to get that coffee. Otherwise I might have never put it together and might have made even more of an a$$ of myself.
Last night was not quite the laidback quiet evening I anticipated, at least at first. It began rather intensely, right after-work, both highs and lows of connection and hurt, starting with hot sweaty sex and ending with tears in the kitchen, and by the end of the evening, after some time alone, my plans for a scene where I'm highly submissive and being heavily topped no longer had any appeal. So I kept the core activity (involving shaving my head) and instead it was more of a sensual intimate scene, where something was done FOR me, rather than something being done TO me. Such a perfect example of how top/bottom, dom/sub, has little to do with the activity and everything to do with the energy and intention. In this case, it felt like a mix of both for both. I went to bed feeling re-balanced and blissful.
And I can always do my other planned scene another time. Especially since opportunities are available every week. I always need to cut my hair.
This morning I'm still feeling a little vulnerable and emotional but much, much better. The situation is resolved completely, for the most part, it's just that I can't really control the timeline of my heart. So even if my brain deems it "done", I still have the echos of hurt and I have to remind myself at a) that's okay and b) it doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge or leaving something unaddressed and c) it's something to just sit with, not something to be dealt with. The latter has already happened. I think tendencies towards over-processing and over-analyzing come from being unable to just ride out all the feelings and wanting instead to talk about them until they 'go away'. So I do more riding things out these days and I feel much better. I have a similar tendency when I want to tell someone something important but can't do it right away. Rather than thinking about what I want to say, then putting it in a drawer until the time to tell them comes up, I replay the words over and over and over until I can find a time to tell them, often pushing the issue and forcing the conversation sooner, making it seem more important because I'm anxious and needing to let it out. And it's really not important. Or rather, not in a time-sensitive way. But I end up feeling strung out. I've gotten better and continue to improve, but I still have my moments.
I got my residency packet in the mail yesterday and I was pleased to discover my other MFABFF is in my workshop group again. There was also the dreaded registration form which included the money part, so I started to have second-thoughts about my income possibility and faith in being able to make it happen, but then I changed the subject before I could go down that path. I baked a cake instead.
Today I'm the special "guest speaker" at a lunchtime training session of interns on transgender issues and the law. I guess I should go read up on that.
When I got there, I was getting onto the crowded steamy train when someone tapped my arm. I turned and looked her directly in the face and wondered why she tapped me. She said hi. I said, hey how's it going. Still no idea why she tapped me. We got on and it was awkward and she said she was going to stand over there, and I said okay and stayed put. I assumed she thought I was someone else and that's why she was trying to politely extract herself from the interaction. But I turned around and she was still standing there. I asked where she was headed. We continued with the small talk, I even relented and removed my headphones, and then finally, FINALLY, after nearly ten minutes of talking, I realized exactly who she was and her name and how I knew her, and we ended up having a great conversation for the rest of the train ride. And I only felt a little embarassed about my initial cluelessness. I mean, I'm getting better at the whole "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name, what is it again?", but that's usually when I recognize the face and the person and the context. In this case, I really was convinced for the first ten minutes that we were absolute strangers talking because she thought I was someone else. When we parted ways, I apologized for my cloudy state of mind in the beginning and inwardly thanked myself for going back to get that coffee. Otherwise I might have never put it together and might have made even more of an a$$ of myself.
Last night was not quite the laidback quiet evening I anticipated, at least at first. It began rather intensely, right after-work, both highs and lows of connection and hurt, starting with hot sweaty sex and ending with tears in the kitchen, and by the end of the evening, after some time alone, my plans for a scene where I'm highly submissive and being heavily topped no longer had any appeal. So I kept the core activity (involving shaving my head) and instead it was more of a sensual intimate scene, where something was done FOR me, rather than something being done TO me. Such a perfect example of how top/bottom, dom/sub, has little to do with the activity and everything to do with the energy and intention. In this case, it felt like a mix of both for both. I went to bed feeling re-balanced and blissful.
And I can always do my other planned scene another time. Especially since opportunities are available every week. I always need to cut my hair.
This morning I'm still feeling a little vulnerable and emotional but much, much better. The situation is resolved completely, for the most part, it's just that I can't really control the timeline of my heart. So even if my brain deems it "done", I still have the echos of hurt and I have to remind myself at a) that's okay and b) it doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge or leaving something unaddressed and c) it's something to just sit with, not something to be dealt with. The latter has already happened. I think tendencies towards over-processing and over-analyzing come from being unable to just ride out all the feelings and wanting instead to talk about them until they 'go away'. So I do more riding things out these days and I feel much better. I have a similar tendency when I want to tell someone something important but can't do it right away. Rather than thinking about what I want to say, then putting it in a drawer until the time to tell them comes up, I replay the words over and over and over until I can find a time to tell them, often pushing the issue and forcing the conversation sooner, making it seem more important because I'm anxious and needing to let it out. And it's really not important. Or rather, not in a time-sensitive way. But I end up feeling strung out. I've gotten better and continue to improve, but I still have my moments.
I got my residency packet in the mail yesterday and I was pleased to discover my other MFABFF is in my workshop group again. There was also the dreaded registration form which included the money part, so I started to have second-thoughts about my income possibility and faith in being able to make it happen, but then I changed the subject before I could go down that path. I baked a cake instead.
Today I'm the special "guest speaker" at a lunchtime training session of interns on transgender issues and the law. I guess I should go read up on that.
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Date: 2004-05-14 10:48 pm (UTC)Such a perfect example of how top/bottom, dom/sub, has little to do with the activity and everything to do with the energy and intention.
Also overanalyzing, processing etc. has to do with me wanting to control my feelings or the feeling of my feelings. More and I more I try to be in the moment. I can tell when I am freaked out or something is too intense cause I disconnect in this way or another way. . .Thanks for sharing.