(no subject)

[raybear]

So my anxiety isn't exactly because she fooled around with this woman. They basically talked, made out some, did some "rolling around", so to speak. Nothing too heavy. But for some reason this upsets me more. I think if it had been more of a straight up fuck I'd be ok, because then it's about lust. But the idea of touching and cuddling hurts me more, because I don't have that on my end. One of our rules is no sleeping with other people (sleeping in the true sense, not the euphemestic sense) because of the intimacy that comes with it. But for me, the intimacy of cuddling is really hard for me to deal with. And I TOTALLY trust Melanie and think it's so awesome the way she dealt with the situation and set up boundaries and realized that she has fun but isn't overly connected to the person and isn't crossing any lines in her self with how it regards to her feelings for me. And I'm really glad that she was able to hook up with a woman she thinks is how and that she was able to feel good. But the problem comes because I had this self-esteem blow by being stood up on my date, plus I have no one to cuddle/flirt with. I could MAYBE find someone to suck off, but that's way different. And the cuddling/sleeping is what I miss MOST with Melanie. So hearing that she's able to engage in it, doesn't threaten me, so to speak, as far as feeling like I'm being replaced. But it makes me hugely envious, and further brings attention to my own sense of loneliness and missing touch. I REALLY miss touch, and I take it for granted. I totally have friends that I hug and such, but it would be weird to just snuggle up on the couch with them because my g.e. is out of town. But now I'm considering, just because of my own anxiety issues.

I really want to calm down and work through this constructively so I'm not dumping it all on her when I see her. I want this weekend to not be all about me being a wreck. I want us to enjoy each other.

I did e-mail Melanie and ask that she hold off on hooking up with anyone until we talk again/see each other. I hope she's okay with me throwing down a veto.

I also think I should probably go to the store and buy some more kava kava, which is better for me than liquor, and will alleviate the physical symptoms of my anxiety so I can better deal with the mental and emotional aspects. My therapist recommends it before going to xanex. Eek. Arg. I hate my panic attacks.

Comments

Re: hey ray

[brucebanner.livejournal.com]

ABSOLUTELY NOT ORGIES IN OUR NATIONS CAPITOL WITHOUT ME TO VIDEO TAPE!

Sorry, Ray, but you'd best not be thinkin of bustin up in DC w/out me being there to get in on the action. And, tho Jes is acting like ze's sad to be whoring out Rid and Ms. T, we ALL know they'd be in on it BIG TIME (size queen)

As far as the stuff w/ Mel, I know ya'll two will have a great time. All the fear and weirdness that invents itself when we are not with our loved ones, totally dissolves when ya come back together. You'll see. I'm all weird about this Tara & Meg thing (sort of) and I know that when I see her again, I'll realize that it's all in my damn head. It'll all be ok.

Tell Mel I said hello, k?

getting the video equipment ready for your visit,
Joe