raybear | Tell me why the roads turn

It's new (to me) music Friday on Raybear's ipod. It can take me awhile to open up to new music -- I tend to get in music ruts, listening to the same four or five artists or 2-3 playlists over and over and over again for a month, then I'll break out of it. Part of it is I crave the familiarity of the music while doing repetitive tasks like copying or waiting for buses. Today I was actually craving new and unfamiliar music, so I uploaded Husky Rescue, Jean Grae, Client, RJD2, and Daft Punk's newest. I'm really feeling Jean Grae and I need to buy her album and give her my money because, hello, a female MC with a solid flow who's a great storyteller and decent beats. It's like a winning lottery ticket. Or rather, getting their album produced well and released is that rare -- there's plenty of ignored talent out there.

I've exchanged a couple short e-mails with my Sleazy BF (a.k.a. the guy from Tuesday night who prompted me to use the word "cock" about a thousand times in 24 hours), which is simultaneously exciting to know the interest in continued play is mutual, but also making it a little harder because the more I like him, the more attached I feel. I guess there's nothing wrong with getting attached, as long as I realize it is an attachment. I had this simple realization last night that part of my enjoyment and excitement is that after years and years of wanting and fantasizing about satisfying hot sex with men, I've finally been getting it. Sexually I was a late bloomer, got a somewhat late start in waiting until middle of college, and my first and only sex partners at that point were women. Almost as soon as I started transitioning, I knew my desires for men were going to become more prominent, and I made some attempts to act on them, but I just wasn't really ready, didn't know what I wanted, didn't know myself well enough. My self-confidence was too wrapped up in it, so I attracted not-so-stellar quality guys. In the past year, year and a half, I'm more together and attracting higher quality guys who are on my level. But in the past few times, it's gotten WAY better. Now, I'm like this blushing de-virginized guy in my late 20s. The upside of waiting this long is that it's good and entirely living up for the most part to those longtime fantasies. And of course, now I want to go back and play again with other guys I've hooked up with in the past. (*cough* some of who are on livejournal *cough*)

I had this moment where on Tuesday night where I seemed to understand for the first time ever the experience of straight women sexuality. But it could just be I've been so oversexed I was channeling Samantha from Sex and the City. I think it really was just this "a-ha!" moment of finally experiencing something I've wanted and confirmed that yes, the desire was absolutely accurate. This is something I physically want, not just psychologically. And so, yeah, I think Sleazy BF and I have some really good potential for more fun and play that could possibly even be cultivated into an ongoing relationship or it could be just one or two more hot romps. I think we're nicely compatible in a way that's a little rare or hard to find, but not absolutely unique, so if it doesn't pan out, there will be other opportunities in my life. Or not. But at least the next time I'm sitting on a plane wondering if it will crash and how I feel about dying, I don't have to worry about that item missing off my lifetime to-do list.

I'm sorry I keep analyzing this so much, but I have to keep myself occupied somehow with all this sexual energy. Even though I'm kinda psychologically oversexed and wanting to chill out a little, physically I'm still having spring fever. And I'm in the library and can't watch porn like I would do if I was at home.

I had a dream last night that the teenage daughter of a friend gave me a stick of gum that had been laced with some type of psychotropic and I started tripping hard. Like pot mixed with acid or something. Can I just say being high in your dreams is pretty fcking crazy? But...kinda fun. Brains are weird.

This weekend is packed. Tonight is babysitting and then afterwards, if we're up for it, a trip to Cellblock for a drink and a bootblacking. Tomorrow is painting our living room all day. If we get done early, possibly the spring sangha celebration at temple. Sunday morning is temple, Sunday afternoon I'm visiting with

limenal who's in town briefly. Monday morning is breakfast with

thebrownhornet, who's in town briefly. Somewhere in all of this, I have to mail off my research copies and do my invoice paperwork. And do some reading, for school and a book I'm reviewing. And write, goddamnit. Write!