(no subject)

[raybear]

Went to lunch with Damon today. We went all early (at noon) so now my afternoon seem SOOOO long.

One thing we touched on at lunch was a problem I'm having with a former "friend".
Let's just call her...Cat. She's very very good friends with my buddy St___ (of Br___ & St____). When St___ outed me to her about a year ago (maybe more?), she was interested in doing a photo project of my transition. I had a similar idea of documenting my physicla changes, so I figured why not let a professional photographer do it? She seemed really nice and eager to learn. So anyway, we started right around the time I moved, like Labor day weekend. Last fall we would hang out, she took photos of me in the apartment. She would come over really early in the morning and take pics of me doing morning rituals. She came with me to get one of my shots and took pictures. It was fine and dandy. I didn't feel like she necessarily "got it" as far as trans stuff. Like she was really slow to realize that I was changing and people were changing and I was passing and everyone in my life called me "he" and she still slipped and called me "she" which is dumb since she barely knew me as my former dyke self (we had met twice). But I was sort of patient. Then I got bored or at least tired. Then I started dating Melanie, so I put her on the low priority list. But she was busy alot too, so we stopped meeting as much and taking pictures. Then when we did hang out, she wouldn't take pictures -- we would just hang out. Which seemed weird to me, since I didn't feel particularly close to her and we don't have tons in common. And sometimes she would say....fucked up shit. Like she really wanted to try and be cool and down or whatever, but she's really really white and whitecentric. But I thought maybe she was just trying to impress me because I seemed like "a down white person", whatever the fuck that means. And probably because I listen to hip hop. So anyway, I just figured she said isht around me. But then I invited her along to see a movie with Damon and L___, and she said fucked up shit to him. Like trying to make a friendly joke, but it was incredibly offensive. So then I'm like, fuck no! I'm never letting you around my friends again. And I just don't care enough to educate her. Well, actually I HAVE tried to tell her that it's not cool to say certain things, but she never seems to pick up on it. Or she just finds something else stupid to say.

So anyway, the bottom line is this. I don't want to do the project with her anymore. It's pretty much dead anyway, esp. since she missed the main time when I was changing (which she didn't seem to notice anyway). I also don't want to be her friend. I'm fine interacting her in a group setting with Br__ and St___. But I don't want to do anything one-on-one. BUT, I don't even care enough about her to invest the time and energy to sit down and tell her WHY I don't want to interact with her. AND I don't want to put St___ in the middle or make him feel weird or like he has to choose or something. I think I might just talk to him about it, and ask his suggestion. And I might just frame it like "I don't really feel comfortable doing the photo project with Cat anymore but I'm not sure how to frame it....any suggestions?" and then not necessarily bring up the personality differences and the fucked shit said. And to clarify it, she's not some raging bigot -- it's more that she's really whitecentric and wants to "learn more" about other types of people (this goes for queer and race issues), but does it in an awkward and mildly offensive, cringe-inducing way. Like she'll ask inappropriate questions that are too forward or poorly phrased. So even though she means well, it comes off horribly.
I guess the problem is I don't want St___ to feel weird because he has to defend her since they've been best friends for like 10 years. But I also don't want to put him in the middle, because Cat would probably go to him and be like "why is Ray ignoring me?"

Hrrmph.

She called me last Thursday and was all like "hey! I'm back in town!" and I was like "you were gone?" Anyway, I told her I couldn't talk long because I was busy at work, and I was going out of town on Friday to see Melanie and wouldn't come back until "next week". And she was like "we'll talk then" and I was like "ok". But I DIDNT say I'd call and I'm not going to. Argh. I suck at being passive aggressive -- I"m much better at straight up confrontation. But I also really don't feel like investing in having a discussion about it. Partly because I'm not interested in resolving anything. I just want it to end.

any advice on politely blowing someone off? I don't think I'll be able to. I'll probably have to have SOME sort of convo.

Comments

[ridleymae.livejournal.com]

i think talking to the mutal friend is a good starting point. it doesn't sound like you care much about this person, enough to even get into it with her on why you aren't enjoying your interactions- so, that, plus, the fact the you don't really owe her an explanation (as in you do not have such a great rapport that it is worth saving and her response to your reasons would change anything between you). the only potential problem is if she keeps seeking you out and doesn't get that you are distancing yourself from her. then you might have to be blatant.

???

[raybear.livejournal.com]

yeah, I think you're right. I guess I was worried about talking to the mutual friend for fear of "putting him in the middle", but I think he'll be in the middle no matter what happens. So I might as well talk it out so I can make it smooth for him, and he can help me make it smooth for her and me.

thanks.