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identity?
I also forgot to share my grand conclusion that formed on the train while listening to Babs...
I decided that my gender identity is 75% fag, 25% dyke. But my sexuality is about 75-80% dyke, 20-25% fag. This produces some confusion for myself, because I'm obsessed with looking at guys, but that's not who I want to fuck. Wha? Yeah, I don't know what I mean. I'm also pretty much 100% queer-identified, queer-attracted, which means any one trans or genderqueer, no matter what end of the binary they lean towards or come from. But seeing as I'm usually the loan queer on the train in the morning, I'm thinking in more "straight" terms as far as categories. So what does all this mean and why does it matter? It's just related to my recent revelation that I do really love women and I'm really attracted to them, particularly queer women. I think I had started to avoid lesbians, starting around the time of my transition, because I was anticipating a community backlash or something, so I sort of decided to backoff first. It's also sort of weird feeling of belonging and not-belonging with dykes.
When I first came out last summer, there were several folks that I described myself as being "psychologically male and female, but wanting to be physically male to house my multi-genderedness". But this would sort of confuse them -- they'd have a harder time switching to male pronouns, and I think they just saw me as wanting to be really really butch. So I gave up and was like, fuck it, I'm a guy. Just call me Ray and 'he' cause I'm a guy. So then I got sort of railroaded into that transmale mode. But I'm not a man. I wasn't born a guy trapped in a female body. That's not me. I know some guys are like that. Don't get me wrong -- I like my male name, male pronouns, being perceived as a guy by larger society. But by and large, even though I occasionally have "penis envy", so to speak, I'm pretty much happy that I have a pussy. Not so much about the chest, but that's what starting a savings account is for....
I decided that my gender identity is 75% fag, 25% dyke. But my sexuality is about 75-80% dyke, 20-25% fag. This produces some confusion for myself, because I'm obsessed with looking at guys, but that's not who I want to fuck. Wha? Yeah, I don't know what I mean. I'm also pretty much 100% queer-identified, queer-attracted, which means any one trans or genderqueer, no matter what end of the binary they lean towards or come from. But seeing as I'm usually the loan queer on the train in the morning, I'm thinking in more "straight" terms as far as categories. So what does all this mean and why does it matter? It's just related to my recent revelation that I do really love women and I'm really attracted to them, particularly queer women. I think I had started to avoid lesbians, starting around the time of my transition, because I was anticipating a community backlash or something, so I sort of decided to backoff first. It's also sort of weird feeling of belonging and not-belonging with dykes.
When I first came out last summer, there were several folks that I described myself as being "psychologically male and female, but wanting to be physically male to house my multi-genderedness". But this would sort of confuse them -- they'd have a harder time switching to male pronouns, and I think they just saw me as wanting to be really really butch. So I gave up and was like, fuck it, I'm a guy. Just call me Ray and 'he' cause I'm a guy. So then I got sort of railroaded into that transmale mode. But I'm not a man. I wasn't born a guy trapped in a female body. That's not me. I know some guys are like that. Don't get me wrong -- I like my male name, male pronouns, being perceived as a guy by larger society. But by and large, even though I occasionally have "penis envy", so to speak, I'm pretty much happy that I have a pussy. Not so much about the chest, but that's what starting a savings account is for....
You don't bring me flowers...
Dear Barbara S,
you know, you and I have a lot in common. (duh) and so, seeing as we do, I would like to point out to everyone that you are now my twin. I will call you, minime. MWAH HA HA HA! no wait, I'm not Dr. Evil, I'm Dr. Dirk Henderson! Silly Dirk!
So, I had a point to mention about this transman thing and the frustration of explaining to everyone, so here I go:
Ray, dude, I know EXACTLY what you mean about just saying 'fuck it' to explaining and going with a male pronouns and saying "i'm a guy."
and you know, I get so frustrated some times with our societies because, it's like we only get two choices. I mean, even w/ transfolk it seems like everyone wants to make me FTM or MTF so they can rattle my gender smoothly off their tongues as something easy that they understand. And I feel like, "buddy, you don't know the half of it!" but I just resign myself to shrugging and saying, "yeah. FTM."
It's like I'm being difficult, or that I think my gender rules so damn much that I've gotta make a fuckin stink about it all the time, but, really: are male and female the ONLY damn choices? It's enough to make a differently-gendered person cry.
Ok. that's just me havin your back on this issue. (it's like I have a twin! wait! I DO have a twin!!)
the mirror has two faces,
Barbara S.
Re: You don't bring me flowers...
~myles
ps- joe i saw you on video!!!
Re: You don't bring me flowers...
tho you and I have never met, you are suddenly very well aquainted with my huge dick. (sizequeen!) but it's all good. When I get to dc, I'm just going to make you show me yours to make up for it.
Ms. T told me that you are now convinced of my utter and unexplainable creepiness. Don't me scared. I'm really just a nice guy underneath...and my 'nice' I mean creepier. ;)
joe