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raybearSo I'm a little tired this morning, since I didn't get home until 1:30 am. I went to therapy and had a good session, then went home, ate a snack and called her. We decided that I would bring over a movie from the Raymond BoyWonder collection, so we watched "Waiting for Guffman", which she hadn't seen but heard about. So yeah, she liked the flowers and we talked a little, then just popped in the movie. We were sitting near each other on the couch, then finally about 2/3 of the way into it, I just sort of took her arm and started touching her. So once the boundary had been broken, we watched the rest of the movie touching -- nothing big, but it felt nice. So yeah, then it ended, and we talked some, and made out some, and talked some, and made out some, and talked some and made out some....you get the idea. This lasted for awhile. And there were varying degrees of intensity, but it never really went past a certain point. She said she was still feeling ambivalent and overthinking things, and we talked some about that. I felt really weird, because she would seem to be enjoying it, and enjoying it getting a more intense, and it would maybe go to a slightly futher level, and she'd be okay with it, but then she would just stop. So I'd stop. And we'd talk. Then we'd get started again, and the cycle repeated itself practically half a dozen times. It was frustrating for 2 reasons. One: I didn't know what to expect -- I would rather she just straight up told "I only want to do this" and then I would know. But it kept waving back and forth. Two: I may sound like an ass for this, but it's my journal, so whatever. She, uh....wasn't exactly the best kisser. Or more accurately, I didn't really mesh with her style of kissing. Which can put a whole damper on the "just making out" part. But the touching was really nice -- me touching her and her touching me. And I was totally open and willing, which might have made it hard. If I was feeling more stone, I might have been relieved about the lack of more intimate action, but since I was totally ready to "whip it out" so to speak (again, trying not to sound like an ass). So. The parting was sort of weird, and it got left really up in the air, partly because she's busy the rest of the week and then on Monday going out of town for a week. But I told her that if she has free time this weekend and wants to hang out, to give me a call. And I gave her my e-mail address.
So.
So, the good news is that my fears about becoming too attached or emotionally involved did not come true. I really like her a lot, and I have fun with her, but I don't feel I'm in any danger of getting too attached or falling for her or anything. And, it's not like we're totally sexually compatible. I mean, I think we're compatible enough to fool around some, but not in a long-term, sexually-growing sort of way. Does that make sense? And the whole experience was sort of hard on me from the perspective of the mixed signals thing. I REALLY don't ever want to pressure anyone to do anything, but then I sort of felt like she wanted me to instigate things, but then she would pull away, but then come back....it was weird. And that's the part when I definitely appreciated Melanie and our ability to be like "um, i don't want to have sex, can we just cuddle?" or "can we cuddle and then fuck?" or whatever -- just being honest and direct. So in some ways, last night was almost like high school. Not really my high school experience, but the one's of soap operas and after school specials where Billy really thinks he's ready for sex and is pressuring Tina, and she isn't ready but sort of wants to, and they end up having quasi-deep discussions on the couch while his hand is up her skirt. Hmm. So that's what I kept picturing on the walk home, which is how I also got the subject line.
Basically, the experience was fun and nice and parts of it felt really good, but the whole unknown aspect sort of taints the experience as well. And I guess I'm the type of person that sort of feels that a 3 hour makeout/talking session is just as intimate (possibly more) than a fuck on the couch. I mean, I feel like we could have just watched the movie, had a roll on the couch, and we both would have been in our respective beds asleep by midnight. And I would probably be less confused than I am right now. But that's how I work and how I feel about fucking and whatnot. And it goes back to that sexually compatible thing...or lack thereof.
So my overall assessment of the situation is that it was really good, but sort of got tainted at the end by the awkward, unresolving parting, plus the lack of potential follow-up. But it was still successful in many other ways. I'll rate the experience a 7.4 (on a scale of 10). ha.
In other news, I've thought a lot about my talk with Melanie yesterday and her asking me if I was okay with her spending the weekend with Ra, and I think I'm going to have to tell her that no, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. My head is totally okay with it (i.e. I trust Melanie, I think she has good boundaries, I don't feel any threat of replacement by this woman), but emotionally it's too draining. I can't spend this weekend packing boxes and cleaning our new apartment knowing she's spending 48 hours straight with this woman, including sleeping together. It's too emotionally taxing. I'm hoping she can find another friend to go along with them to Ra's, so she can still have a good weekend and all, but not such a one-on-one intense experience. We're going to talk in an hour or so, so we'll see where it goes. I'm a little nervous, since I always feel bad putting a limit on something, because it's admitting that I'm insecure/weak/jealous/what-have-you. But oh well. It's not so much that I would totally freak out, but I might end up feeling resentful or abandoned, and I don't want to feel that way towards her. And no matter what my head tells me, it won't always trump what I'm feeling. But every time we talk stuff out, it gets worked out. So let me just chill until then.
In other news, why is it in the 90s outside? That's just too hot. Summer is the worst time for tranny boyz and their layered uniform.
So.
So, the good news is that my fears about becoming too attached or emotionally involved did not come true. I really like her a lot, and I have fun with her, but I don't feel I'm in any danger of getting too attached or falling for her or anything. And, it's not like we're totally sexually compatible. I mean, I think we're compatible enough to fool around some, but not in a long-term, sexually-growing sort of way. Does that make sense? And the whole experience was sort of hard on me from the perspective of the mixed signals thing. I REALLY don't ever want to pressure anyone to do anything, but then I sort of felt like she wanted me to instigate things, but then she would pull away, but then come back....it was weird. And that's the part when I definitely appreciated Melanie and our ability to be like "um, i don't want to have sex, can we just cuddle?" or "can we cuddle and then fuck?" or whatever -- just being honest and direct. So in some ways, last night was almost like high school. Not really my high school experience, but the one's of soap operas and after school specials where Billy really thinks he's ready for sex and is pressuring Tina, and she isn't ready but sort of wants to, and they end up having quasi-deep discussions on the couch while his hand is up her skirt. Hmm. So that's what I kept picturing on the walk home, which is how I also got the subject line.
Basically, the experience was fun and nice and parts of it felt really good, but the whole unknown aspect sort of taints the experience as well. And I guess I'm the type of person that sort of feels that a 3 hour makeout/talking session is just as intimate (possibly more) than a fuck on the couch. I mean, I feel like we could have just watched the movie, had a roll on the couch, and we both would have been in our respective beds asleep by midnight. And I would probably be less confused than I am right now. But that's how I work and how I feel about fucking and whatnot. And it goes back to that sexually compatible thing...or lack thereof.
So my overall assessment of the situation is that it was really good, but sort of got tainted at the end by the awkward, unresolving parting, plus the lack of potential follow-up. But it was still successful in many other ways. I'll rate the experience a 7.4 (on a scale of 10). ha.
In other news, I've thought a lot about my talk with Melanie yesterday and her asking me if I was okay with her spending the weekend with Ra, and I think I'm going to have to tell her that no, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. My head is totally okay with it (i.e. I trust Melanie, I think she has good boundaries, I don't feel any threat of replacement by this woman), but emotionally it's too draining. I can't spend this weekend packing boxes and cleaning our new apartment knowing she's spending 48 hours straight with this woman, including sleeping together. It's too emotionally taxing. I'm hoping she can find another friend to go along with them to Ra's, so she can still have a good weekend and all, but not such a one-on-one intense experience. We're going to talk in an hour or so, so we'll see where it goes. I'm a little nervous, since I always feel bad putting a limit on something, because it's admitting that I'm insecure/weak/jealous/what-have-you. But oh well. It's not so much that I would totally freak out, but I might end up feeling resentful or abandoned, and I don't want to feel that way towards her. And no matter what my head tells me, it won't always trump what I'm feeling. But every time we talk stuff out, it gets worked out. So let me just chill until then.
In other news, why is it in the 90s outside? That's just too hot. Summer is the worst time for tranny boyz and their layered uniform.
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understood...
Date: 2001-08-01 03:20 pm (UTC)i do understand, and i didn't think you were an ass. i definitely understand it is frustrating having conflicting expectations... i have been on both sides of that boat and it can be hard to articulate on both sides due to embarassment/letting someone down/wanting one thing but thinking another/etc/etc. and i hear you on the whole different things being intimate in different ways... definitely people have different boundaries about how comfortable they are that are hard to articulate because they are often "givens" in our head.
Re: understood...
Date: 2001-08-02 07:58 am (UTC)Perhaps you should feel flattered Jessie, because while reading your post I was totally getting a complex that you were thinking badly of me, so I have to clear my good name. ;P hmmm....speaking of complexes....
And I have a nosy question I'd like to ask you, and you can certainly feel free NOT to answer and I will not be hurt at all....but I noticed in your post this morning you mentioned waiting for Phyllis to get ready for work? Does this mean something you haven't mentioned in your journal? I'm out of the DC gossip loop, you know....
gossip gossip
Date: 2001-08-02 08:10 am (UTC)oh, yes, i am seeing phyllis again, although i didn't mention it explicitly... i have this whole "jinxing" thing that i worry about... like if i tell everyone that things are "official" again then... you know how it is.
jessie.
Re: gossip gossip
Date: 2001-08-02 08:49 am (UTC)