A real live lover, could have been a book.

[raybear]

I can't stop reading this book, but not, like in a good way. I want to stop reading, I want it to be done, I want to move on to the next on my list, but I'm only 2/3 through. I'm too far into it to give up, I'm trying to see if it will pay off, and there are certainly moments and sentences I like, some really hilarious lines and interesting characters, but mostly I just feel a sense of dread when I look at it and think of reading it. It's strange to have such a visceral response to a book. It's kind of appealing, like poking at a wound or picking a scab. I mean, I've always been one who prefers a strong reaction provoked in me, rather than just pure ambivalence. But also, it's not really fun either. Damn books.

I had dinner with an old friend (Poet Coworker) last night and we met up downtown and took the brown line up to Montrose to try this new place that ended up being closed on Tuesdays and went to a thai place and had conversations about what a marriage means and finding an identity that may or may not have been lost and what is chosen family and I didn't last long before I was ready to go home, it was a long day, I was tired, I had been around people all day with no break. But it was good to catch up and besides, it saved me from being on the blue line train that derailed and caught fire and the chances are fairly high that might have been me, and frankly writing about it now means I have no interest in getting on a subway train to go to work this morning, even though I'm sure today it will be the safest its ever been because of yesterday's accident.

And I had a really intense dream that I remembered upon waking, I was still so hurt, and then I forgot, but it just came back to me in a flash. About old names and revealing and accidental wounds that are up-ending. But not, perhaps unforgiveable. I think it was triggered by hearing that name last night and something is locked up there, I guess. More to think about. Because I don't have enough right now, right? But really, last night, before I melted down in an exhausted moody mess who was 2 days late on giving myself a shot, I was actually thinking, it's all pretty fcking good. And you know what? It's true. Isht is still hard at times and confusing and its not going to go away. Ever. I mean, it's something I keep going back to, there are no free passes to fix it all, and there are even very few watershed periods in one's life. You just got to learn to be yourself and do it in the midst of it all.

Comments

[thebrownhornet.livejournal.com]

Word.

[cocolola.livejournal.com]

i was worried about you yesterday!

[raybear.livejournal.com]

aw thanks. i was so confused last night when i was at dinner for 2 hours and got all these vmails and text messages! and i'm grateful i was not on that train. hello, i already have phobia of being buried alive.

[unscrambled.livejournal.com]

Awhile ago, someone wrote an article in _Slate_ about why they'd rather look at a movie that took a really big risk and failed utterly than one that took a more conventional route and succeded modestly. More and more, artwise and lifewise, I'm coming to the conclusion that I care a hell of a lot more about the bigger risk that eschews comfort for payoff. This is related, I think, to the idea of so-called "difficult fiction" and its usefulness.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

last year there was a new yorker/new york times (same thing) article by a.o. scott that had the same theory. that not enough bad movies were being made, that movies (and art) could be graphed onto a curve and right now it was bell shaped with most things in the middle of mediocrity, and so, for the curve to change, if more great ones are to occur, more horrible ones have to happen too. like Showgirls. (which i love, incidentally.)

[unscrambled.livejournal.com]

Oh, it was that article. Scott was the proponent of the theory, at least.

I don't always agree with what he has to say, but I always appreciate his approach.

You know all about my tendency to have a totally different interpretation of any given movie than I hear anywhere else? So, it's no surprise that that I can't really find a film critic who I feel is regularly spot on.

[dommeyourass.livejournal.com]

But really, last night, before I melted down in an exhausted moody mess who was 2 days late on giving myself a shot, I was actually thinking, it's all pretty fcking good. And you know what? It's true. Isht is still hard at times and confusing and its not going to go away. Ever. I mean, it's something I keep going back to, there are no free passes to fix it all, and there are even very few watershed periods in one's life. You just got to learn to be yourself and do it in the midst of it all.

first of all...your exhausted moody mess was actually kind of adorable and i hope that doesn't come off patronizing. but you were so clearly tired and cranky that all i could do was feel for you.

as for the rest. i totally agree. i've been thinking this myself for the past day and a half. and partly being really surprised at having this feeling given how sad i was night before last (thank you again btw for being so great). in fact, as i was walking up the stairs from work this morning, i thought, "i'm happy. i'm really happy. and peaceful. hot damn. when did that happen?" maybe it was the "you have a lot to be grateful for" lecture i got yesterday. and our conversations on the front porch lately, which have been delightful. when my perspective is good, being in a "watershed period" is downright exciting in its challenge and just being yourself is enough.

[limenal.livejournal.com]

Yesterday reading about the Mumbai bombings I thought about that day in fall 2001 when I insisted on driving you to work because I was unusually freaked out that something bad would happen on the train.

Also - stop it or I'll bury you alive in a train!

[dommeyourass.livejournal.com]

Also - stop it or I'll bury you alive in a train!

hahahaha! that joke is one of the many that i'm very grateful you've introduced into my life.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

what about "raisins -- nature's candy!!"?

[foxycoxy.livejournal.com]

o.k. this is a sad fact. i started reading your post, i mean i started and then before actually moving past the first sentence i quickly clicked on the url for the booksite and without reading the criticism, i automatically assumed it was good and went to the CPL site to look to see if they had it. I mean I LOVE RECOMMENDATIONS. GOOD recommendations. I need a list. GIMMEE A LIST! Cause this shit is crazy. like candy though the candy ends up being stale and chewy instead of crunchy.

You wouldn't recommend The Quick and the Dead. I just assumed as much.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

i'll give it to you when i'm done. you might like it.