raybear | Wild horses are cursed with their freedom in mind

To be calm is the highest achievement of the self, so sayeth the tag on my tea bag. Lately my beverage horoscopes have had some strong pertinent advice that directly applies to me. It’s somewhat happenstance, I’m not so keen on such intensely individualized messages from the Universe making their way to my mug. What is it again, I don’t believe in an interventionist god? I guess I believe in symbols magically appearing and believe more in symbols and lessons being constantly and readily visible, and instead what magically appears is our willingness to see them. I should probably also define “magic”, but I’ll keep it loose and cheeky for now. But back to being calm. Is this a universal highest achievement or just a goal for others such as myself who are highly anxious? Other people observing my anxiety doesn’t really serve to make me less anxious, only embarrassed and ashamed of it. Other people observing their own anxiety relieves me in not feeling so solitary and troubles me in that its so pervasive I wonder if it will ever be relieved. That’s probably not the point, but I don’t mind having unachievable goals to help keep me focused. For the past few weeks I’ve been thinking specifically about the neuroses of trans people and wondering its possible to live in this world as a trans person and NOT be neurotic -- there are shades and gradations of how it plays out, but still, it feels like we’re all sitting on one similar plane of existence in how we react to the world. I mean, yeah, frankly, it’s impressive when we get off with just simple anxiety, but still, acknowledging that things could be worse doesn’t really clarify what’s there. I seem to run into this a lot in my life. Defining by what things are Not, rather than what they Are. Actually, I do this in my fiction writing frequently, as mentors and workshop readers have pointed out in my text, which really, my fiction is one of the true viewings into the design of my brain. Not so much the content of what I write, I’m not THAT transparently writing autobiographical fiction, but rather how I write it could probably be picked apart in a way to figure some isht out about me. But please, for the love of intervening and non-intervening perceptions of higher beings, don’t tell me those things. That’s what my death is for.

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"Defining by what things are Not, rather than what they Are."

For me, this has a lot to do with the teenager experience/parts of myself. About living in a reflexive place, where you claim your space because you're not like the people who picked on you (broadly speaking). I think it's one of the reasons that radical community self destructs all the time. Picking people off--bad actions, bad politics, whatever. We don't come from spaces where there's accountability or any way to honestly address grievances, so we end up with not/not/not. And then we end up with nothing, of course.

i like what you wrote, if i understand you correctly. the in-fighting in the queer community often frustrates me (and i mention the queer community because it is the only radical community of which i can really speak). not only because of the lack of ways (or rather attempts) to address grievances constructively, but from my own response of throwing up my hands rather than trying to keep people in the room, so to speak, to talk things out in a more loving yet still accountable manner. instead, i find myself falling into the trap of even labelling the not/not/not with a "not" itself. i.e. the queer community is not open-minded. the queer community is not kind. the queer community doesn't listen. the queer community is reactionary. etc. i admit, i often don't have the patience to parse out the themes that needs to be addressed from the way in which those themes are stated. so then that leaves me with my own "not"s....not patient, not committed enough....blah blah blah. who knew junior high school exclusion would have such a lasting effect on our adult psyches?

I mean junior high, and I mean abusive families and cult shit and rape and surviving in the streets and lynching and threats to life and state systems and cops and a whole bunch of other shit too.

but what if you're really not that anxious. you just perceive yourself as being more anxious than "normal"? i think about this concept of relativity a lot when it comes to what i think are my too intense emotions. but then i look at everyone around me. and they ALL have intense emotions too. so then, do ALL people have intense emotions or just queers? if that's the case, then are they really "intense" or merely normal? it's like the parable of the king who had the subjects drink from the poisoned well that made them all mad. and then they all thought he was mad. until he chose to drink from the well himself.

despite drama queen tendencies, no way do i think that queers have any of the market on intense emotions. actually, i would say thinking about it more, that's sort of what being a 'drama queen' is -- making MORE of emotions than what they are, i.e. saying they are 'intense' when really they are common to the human experience.

and just to clarify, i'm thinking specifically about "trans neurosis", not global queer. because while there are common element of othering and sexualization, there's something different that seems specific to the process of radically reforming one's body and having to spell it out explicitly to the world in ways that non-trans people don't (usually) that feels connected. i don't know what it is yet, or if it's just a hypothesis in my brain that has no test or conclusion.

in writing this, i was thinking about the difference between times when *i* think i'm anxious and times when i am called anxious/neurotic by others, and how they are rarely the same instances. in fact, thinking about it more, i would say i have often been called neurotic by others when i'm expressing a fact about how i shape my preferences or activities in life in order to alleviate or prevent anxiety. which is frustrating, because its like the things i do to feel less 'crazy' are labelled precisely as such.

are you calling me a drama queen, pot? ;)

"because its like the things i do to feel less 'crazy' are labelled precisely as such. "

That's the definition of system success on marginalized bodies.

This is not on point with this post, but I'm doing some archive review and came across the original "drawer under the stove" entry again and it made me want to come over and say hi.

awww. i like that it's listed under "future inside jokes". you were/are brilliant. i love and miss you.

are you talking about a pattern/habit of neurosis that you see in other trans guys, i am picturing the general feeling of shame for not really having any problem but living in a body that has transgressed millions of mini reactions that seem new every day but outwardly they are too subtle to be of any consequence in the moment. I often think being neurotic is just being perceptive without a filter or a controller. Its a great post. BTw i loved your cemetry post, it made my eyes jerk, which is almost crying.

Wild horses are cursed with their freedom in mind

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