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[personal profile] raybear
Sometimes I think, I don't know, maybe I'm supposed to just be working a job that provides a modicum of satisfaction, in the way that solving a long division problem is like itching a scratch in a brain, and then I just go home and do things like sit on the couch and read books and watch movies and get caught up in pop culture phenomenons on television. Maybe that's it, that's okay. That's sort of the model. Oh, I forgot, I should have one hobby. With my father it was golf. With my mother it was sewing/small crafts (usually related to textiles). I woke up today and if I was writing my own horoscope I would say "today is a 3" but I don't think horoscopes ever go below a 6, because that would just be demoralizing. I don't know why today is 3, it just is. It took everything I could, namely tricking myself into only barely getting dressed, and going all the way up to Evanston and I drove very slowly and I found parking and after 45 minutes of copying, my body just stopped working. No more. Who cares about a deadline. Nope. I can fight it a little, but not much. I got back in the car and drove home. I don't really remember my afternoon. I think I swept the living room. And watched some porn and took a shower. Then I came to work and I'm immediately bombarded with projects, I think, this is why I hate working. But it levelled out. I forget, that I'm engaging with people when it is their final hour of the day, they are rushed, they are frantic, everything is pressing, but for me, I'm just ambling up to the plate. Then I have to work with this attorney who I dislike, because he is snotty and full of himself, but whatever, it's typing, who cares. I do it. He comes back and says "you do good work" with a tone that indicates he is both surprised and impressed enough to give a compliment because he doesn't do that often. And I think yes, the plight of the overeducated, the overqualified, I know, I do good work, everyone loves me, everybody loves Raymond and it just makes me feel a little numb when those moments happen. Not that it isn't genuine from them, because sadly, it is, their earnestness is near-deadly. And don't get me wrong, it would sure suck to go into a workplace everyday where everyone hated me. But, still, I derive no great satisfaction in it. And I hate that tone of someone who is shocked to learn that a smart person is working a crappy mindless job. Which leads me back to thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to, it's just about filling in the gaps and paying for a life, except I am one of the many fake low-middle class people/working class people (the category depends on which econmic bar chart you consult) who is tricked into thinking I have more when really I have credit lines and credit card debt and did you know that within the industry, people who pay off their monthly balance every month are called 'deadbeats' and that if you think you are getting lots of credit card offers now, just miss a couple payments and suddenly they will come pouring in even more. Borrowed time, borrowed money. And now I have more borrowed pages to edit so I must end this prematurely.

Date: 2007-03-28 07:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anjibobanji.livejournal.com
You are on your way to that job.

Date: 2007-03-29 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pidge.livejournal.com
oh wow, this entry really struck a chord in me. i feel the same way about my job when people compliment me. i've even had people come up, shocked as they say "you're smart." when people ask me what i do, i hate telling them i'm a typist. i'd rather say a temp.

Date: 2007-03-29 02:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raybear.livejournal.com
when people ask what i do, i tell them i'm a Writer. this sometimes makes me people think i'm some secretly famous writer who is able to make money based on my publications, or they think i'm perhaps a trust-fund baby who can afford to just write, but frankly, either one of those options are preferable to me having to have a boring irrelevant conversation about the hours i spend every week in a law firm that have nothing to do with who i am as a person.

also, i find it useful to refer to office work as "freelancing". which is sort of true. i'm getting paid to use my skills to help their company out. i am not identified with the company, it is not my career.

though you could also try 'consulting'. i recently asked someone what they do, and they said, "consulting". i said, so what does that mean exactly? and they said, "i consult for non-profits." i was like, um, that doesn't really clarify anything for me, but i'll just drop it even though they're the ones who brought up their work!

i think the whole 'what do you do for a living' is such a problematic conversation that we automatically default to, given that the majority of the people i know in my life are mostly working to pay rent. i have a few people who are satisfied by their job and feel very aligned and defined by it, and i'm totally happy for them. but it's sort of a foreign concept to me and many others.

Date: 2007-03-29 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pidge.livejournal.com
man, this really put a nice perspective on it. usually, i mention first that i freelance for cambridge university press (albeit only 10 hours per week), because at least i can respect myself when i say it. but i like your take on it much better, because in reality, i DON'T identify myself by my job right now.

this is just a particularly pesky question since people in cities are obsessed with what one does for a living right off the bat. it's not because they're genuinely interested...more like secretly keeping score socio-economically or something.

Date: 2007-03-29 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raybear.livejournal.com
oh yeah, you totally can say "freelancer" then! usually after someone asks if i get paid for my writing, i say, not yet, so i do "some freelance work for research projects and as a night clerk at a law firm". which means i make copies for a journals database in England, and i'm a part-time secretary. but whatev!

i think the whole "what do you do?" is also an easy fall back for small talk. i totally catch myself doing it all the time, if i'm in a polite social environment and i'm nervous about chatting with someone new. then i kick myself for falling in the trap! i need to drill some new questions into my head for those times.

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