A muse, admittedly, gives the idea of the game and the mystery

[raybear]

An unexpected byproduct of this Three Week Challenge (which is essentially about being in the novel everyday) is that when I write everyday, I can give myself permission to enjoy myself more in other 23 hours of the day. I never quite realized how I constantly carried around this background weight all the time, that was a mixture of guilt and frustration and obligation and anger, all cloaked around the word 'should' and the inevitable paralysis that followed. Sometimes it is just something to carry, sometimes it is something with which to beat myself up. Mostly, it just makes me tense and never fully happy. I mean, I still have a hard time being totally relaxed and happy. I constantly am managing the situation and the people around me, if only in my head. But it's nice to have one of the more pervasive negative voices gone. I put it together on Saturday, when I was heading out to spend the evening with vfc then meeting up with DYA and her friends for late-night dancing (at Smart Bar that later ended up having a line around the block to get in, but we had no full comprehension of why the DJs were a Big Deal and got there early because we didn't want to pay the higher cover after midnight). So on Saturday, I realized, wow, I'm really looking forward to my evening and don't have this feeling like I'm supposed to be somewhere else or that I should cancel it all and stay home. I mean, I am a bit of a introvert, that is part of why I want to stay home. But other times I stay home because I think I'm supposed to be doing more work. I didn't fully connect the dots until Sunday, when I had to miss my morning session because of a brunch date, and by the mid-afternoon I started to get the old feeling of....twitchy paralysis, is the best way I can describe it. After I nap, I did my hour and all was better, and that's when I fully connected the dots. Dots and loops. Sorry, I'm listening to lots of Stereolab this moment.

Yesterday was the first hot day of the year and everyone was out. For some reason, I left the house without a hat even though I've been wearing them constantly for a couple weeks, so the top of my head got a little pink. Later, we had dinner involving the grill. By the evening it cooled off and was super windy, but we made it work anyway. Whenever I get the coals going, it's kind of like deep-frying, where I'm suddenly compelled to make as much use of it as possible. But I limited it to extra pieces chicken for lunch today. I also grilled asparagus and zucchini, which I had tossed in hazelnut oil and lime juice. I was a little cranky yesterday afternoon, after being in the sun and getting overheated, and I wasn't sure I was completely ready for full-blown summer to happen with barely a breath of spring, but then after that meal and sitting outside in the yard, I was swayed.

Comments

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

Walter Mosley writes three hours a day and says the other 21 are for making "sex" and doing things worth writing about.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

i'm working up to three hours! i like his advice. i was a binge writer and i'm trying to break that habit. anything worth doing (like drinking and making sex) should be done every day!

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

Ack, I need to finish my thought, because my head has been in the same kind of space. sometimes the only thing that'll make life easier is writing first thing in the morning and then i can get on with the day or something.

funny story:

Barbie is obesessed with nailing down a definition of "Raybear Music". she will play songs and ask me, "Is this Raybear music?" as though the concept has gone beyond just your likes and dislikes but now has come to describe an ideology.

I love it.

for shits and giggles I told her that never song by Merle Haggard is "Raybear Music".

[raybear.livejournal.com]

haha. i'm flattered!

also, every song about sex in a bathroom is Raybear Music.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

The humpty dance!!!