raybear | (no subject)

so. first off, let me publicly thank those who left nice comments in my LJ and were supportive. secondly, let me also publicly thank Alex and Tara for being receivers of long-winded e-mails. it helped me get some isht straight, like Cibo Matto. so to speak.

last night I got home from worked, and MelRo & I talked for awhile, about what had happened the night before, about where we were sexually and intimately and all sorts of fun stuff like that. it felt good to talk. it always feels good to talk. and I feel better now about how things are. I mean, nothing is neatly solved, of course, but things are moving forward.

also last night, I FINALLY finished up at the old place. I had basically been avoiding it for the past week and a half, partly out of lazyness, partly out of nostalgia. but last night I did a final throwaway and cleanup. Melanie came and picked me up and helped make a final round of sweeping. it was very sad, in some ways. I loved my apartment and it was a good year. But by the time it was empty and cleaned out, it didn't really feel like mine anymore. I dropped the keys in the mail this morning, so I'm all done. I think that's definitely helping my psyche. I can focus all my energies on the new place and not have this nagging in the back of my head.

And tonight, I'm hanging out with MYLES. woo-hoo. as MelRo said after sharing all my various stories of meeting and talking to LJ folks, I've become quite the popular LJer. ha ha. It's like middle school. Only exactly the opposite. or something. Speaking of, I had a weird dream last night that involved being picked for a basketball/trivia team. Just like the days of gym all over again. Though I recall I got chosen first, since I was a geek, which was completely unexpected. But it was mostly unusual to see people in my dream who were acquaintances and classmates from years and years ago that I haven't thought about or seen in years. Maybe I was unconsciously affected by Myles examining his middle school year books at 2 am. You must have a strong super-conscious!

going back to the conversation with MelRo last night, I've realized how I'm not quite as self-examining as I thought in the arena of what-I-want. Sometimes I push myself to be emotionally intimate when I'm not necessarily needing or wanting it. But I don't even realize what I want/need. I just feel slightly icky and miserable or trapped and claustrophobic afterwards. Delayed processing, I guess.

I'm not ready/wanting to be married. That's not why I'm with her or why I'm living with her. So then why am I? I think we should make a list....