Sometimes we forget what we've got, who we are, or who we are not

[raybear]

I am not especially secretive about my participation in such things as craigslist or adam4adam, and I was about to say "in my quest for sex" except my whole point for thinking about writing this is about how that idea is a misnomer and that's precisely what I like about the whole thing. Most of these areas are large amounts of men who almost want to have sex -- it's a constant cost-benefit analysis game, and I've realized that I pretty much come down on the side of everything costs way more than it benefits, so I go to those sites still because one, occasionally I do have actual date dates, not just anonymous fcks, and two, I am somewhat fascinated by the community of desire and pseudo-desperation about how far out of reach it can be, how committed to ideas and how short reality frequently falls. This is not everyone, of course, some people do just fine with committing to romps and enjoying every moment of it, but this isn't about them, this is about me and others like me how thought we are that way but fall just short in awkward ways we are trying to name and figure out. But the third reason I go to those sites is for the free porn. And I don't mean the pictures of naked men or cock, though those are certainly prevalent (and appreciated), but I mean the words, the stories, the requests, the barest sketch of who the person is and what they want and how to fill in those gaps.



So the other night, Saturday, I believe, I went to bed and almost fell asleep and then jerked awake. So I got up and futzed around online which means engaging in my compulsions, and I decided to place an ad specifically for IM/email dirty talk. I placed two actually -- one in M4W and one in M4M -- and only had a moment's reservation about my 'deception'. I mean, its ALL fantasy, right?

I got one response from each, and the M4W guy was boring in his chat and I had to say, um, we can skip to the sex part, you don't need to prattle on about the latest ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead album -- I thought guys would be excited by a sexually forward 'woman' but he couldn't keep up. Much more interesting was primarily hetero guy who answered my M4M ad with a list of things that make his cock hard (as my ad requested) (this is also why I pegged him as primarily hetero). He did list smooth men in stockings, but he was really into cuckolding. What followed was this bizarre and hot e-mail exchange, usually 2-3 lines each that stretched over 36 hours, involving forced sex and "screwing your girlfriend and making you watch". But it reached interesting limits, including me doing things to him. You know, stuff that's kinda gay. But yet, not exactly. It was a combination of the power game of the fantasy scenario (cuckolding, which incidentally, I love as both a word and a 'concept') with the fact that he WASNT sexually into men necessarily, but he was so into the idea of the other aspects of the scenario that he was willing to put up with a guy licking his balls to bring it to completion. If this is making sense. It might only be making sense in my head. It's sort of like, to me, other kinky activities that confuse people as to why a certain act is sexy. Its not necessarily the act that's sexy...in fact, it's frequently that the act is NOT sexy (in a traditional way) that makes it alluring. This is very much a 'thing' of mine too. Unsexy is sexy. I will occasionally indulge in fantasies precisely because they do 'gross' me out but the sensation of it being so wrong is directly proportional to how much I enjoy it. The easiest and frequent example of this is 'dirty old men'. I have had some hot hot sex in my head with men that most people would probably make vomiting noises about, but I think its fcking awesome to think about how everyone has the potential to be this intense sexual creature and why not just see it for all its glory, all its gross weirdness and vulnerability, the two defining characteristics of humans. I don't know, there's probably 'a power thing in there too somewhere, but it doesn't really seem like that, it feels much more about uncovering the unexpected potential of someone, the way I want to crack open my own freely. And you know, looking for daddy. But also I think, this is good, because maybe I won't be ashamed about being a dirty old man when I am one.

Oh god, now I'm thinking about how I went from some random topic about expressing desire in public forums in attempts to satisfy it, to confessing one of my specific 'unusual' desires, to turning it into a point of pride about the beauty of humanity, and now I'm going to get gifts of fetish porn devoted to old white men fcking in sex swings.


I started reading Against Love by Laura Kipnis, because I saw it randomly in the library and keetbabe has mentioned it because someone had recommended it to her, and surprisingly, so far, I don't hate it. I even like it. I think because of her embracing (and defining) of the term polemic in introducing the book. Because like a good manifesto, I'm all about it, but there has to be a certain understanding about the place it serves in a dialogue/society. I'm reading a denser theory book right now, but sometimes my brain can't handle it (I have to read nearly every page twice, sometimes three times in that book) so I like having a lighter book on hand to satisfy other reading needs. And now I'm thinking about a metaphor connecting books in my life to ideas of lovers in my life. And how sometimes I want several at once but really I maybe do better with one at a time. Except for when I don't. And that's okay.

Comments

[anjibobanji.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed that. I like it a lot when you write about sex and there are times some of your sex images from your journal come to my mind. Also, what you said did make sense to me, I haven't done the online thing in a long time and maybe that is a mistake because there were some things that were really satisfying, especially a year long phone sex relationship, damn, I was just thinking about him and this whack off video he sent me, hilarious!

[raybear.livejournal.com]

you will be pleased and amused to know that writing about sex was intentional -- i realized, damn, i don't write about it anymore and that's not right! so i've been cultivating it, i.e. gearing myself up mentally for a topic that would break me back in.

i still have a sex-filter that i nicknamed 'fuckmonster' because of you!

[fuzzilla.livejournal.com]

>And you know, looking for daddy.<

Oh, hell yeah! I don't think I could actually call someone "Daddy," though. The *thought* of calling someone that sounds hot, but to actually do it would make me feel icky, I think. But maybe it's a boundary I should test, who knows...

[raybear.livejournal.com]

i think i can use it during the flirtation aspect, but not during the fucking. though, stranger things have been known to pop in my head (and slip out of my mouth), so who knows!

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

But also I think, this is good, because maybe I won't be ashamed about being a dirty old man when I am one.

this is one of my favorite things anyone has ever said about sex, like, ever. oh how i love you.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

that's because you are going to be a dirty old man too. ;)

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

what's this GOING TO BE?

/wishing i had a "save the cheerleader" icon right now, really.