Hello morning, I sure missed you last night

[raybear]

A Post-Porn-Orgasm (porgasm?) 20 Minute Nap is sometimes the most amazing thing in the world. Of course, with all things I like and make me feel instantly great (watching porn, a glass of wine, a nap, a latte, a manhattan, wow there are lots of beverages I love...), I personally have to be somewhat judicious in indulging otherwise it becomes excessive in that way where they don't really work anymore. I wish something like eating a salad has that immediate effect. Going for a run can have instant gratification afterwards, but not always during, plus gathering up the motivation to leave the house can be a challenge. This morning I woke up on my own at 6 am, with no alarm, because I was sleeping in the middle room futon, and I didn't feel great but I didn't feel bad. DYA scored a fan for that room last weekend and I don't know why we didn't do that earlier, it makes the temperature so much more bearable. Well, that and it being nearly September so the weather on the outside is somewhat less relentless, even yesterday which was another hot day. Anyway, I woke up and decided to go for a very very long walk, with Sophie, no pressure to run, no ipod to drown out the voices in my head, even if they are sort of scary sometimes, and it was a good way to start the day for both of us. I walked, I chanted a little, I talked to myself, I talked back, I opened myself up to signs from the universe. Sophie especially liked that there was a food kong waiting for her when we got home. I had some sort of vegan flaxy blueberry frozen waffles that weren't bad either. And today, I broke my 2 week streak and I wrote a good solid page of new material in a different chapter. So afterwards, after being up for 3 hours, I decided I deserved a short morning nap before going to the library, before maybe selling more records. Everything I am doing today is for myself and I know that sounds odd and really everything I do is for myself, except it doesn't feel that way -- it feels like I'm doing it for someone else, or out of obligation (to whom? Its not always clear). But regardless, its a pretty exhausting way to live. I used to spend more time looking at where the pattern came from, but lately that seems boring and pointless, so I'm just simplifying things and saying 'stop it, try something else now'. Its funny, the whole behavioral conditioning/cognitive therapy thing, my very first therapist was big on it and when she taught it to me, she joked something about how life is more complicated, I'm not just some pigeon in a Skinner box, and I will always be grateful for that remark because a) it was funny, b) I felt happy she made an esoteric joke and recognized I would get it, and c) sometimes we can get like those pigeons in a Skinner box, even if its not all the time, but I don't know, maybe it is that simple. Other people in my life have mentioned their therapist doing EMDR therapy (which I want to call EPMD therapy, which I think I might prefer, but you knew that given my love of east coast hip hop) and when I read about it, it all seems related. Its all about realizing the Skinner box we've put ourselves in and stopping hitting that damn button, hit a new button when you hear that ding. Its both as hard and as easy as it sounds. My science trivia page-a-day calendar yesterday said that birds aren't really "bird-brained", that given the relative size of their bodies, they are perhaps as intelligent and capable as chimps, but chimps in the rain forest, I learned through the magic of Planet Earth and Richard Attenborough, are vicious about controlling territory and in the battle they will kill a weaker chimp in the rival group and EAT IT. They cannibalize each other for the sake of tree space. I was so horrified, I made myself watch it twice, hoping I had somehow blinked and missed a scene explaining that they were really eating something else.

All this to say is that they say I'm hopeless as a penny with a hole in it. And I got lot of dreams and I ain't really chasing mine. Lately. But I'm running again, I get up, get out and get something, I'll fight it, I'll make it through...I'll be handsome, I'll be beautiful, I'll be happy. And I still love everybody even when I don't feel it, but mostly I'm not feeling it because I've forgotten to think it and I need to say it to remind me. So I did and its true again.

And happy birthday to mintwaster who likes it when I post drunk and no, I'm not drunk, but this post sort of resembles ones when I am.

Comments

[magdalene1.livejournal.com]

"A Post-Porn-Orgasm (porgasm?) 20 Minute Nap is sometimes the most amazing thing in the world. Of course, with all things I like and make me feel instantly great (watching porn, a glass of wine, a nap, a latte, a manhattan, wow there are lots of beverages I love...), I personally have to be somewhat judicious in indulging otherwise it becomes excessive in that way where they don't really work anymore."

Sooooo true.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

One of my sayings, when I'm about to do something for the 1789410th time in a day in an attempt to ward off the depression/any other feeling I don't want, is: "try a different coping strategy!" Cause you gotta mix that isht up to keep it fresh.

[mrmturtle.livejournal.com]

we need to have a porn club or something. i have acquired some great stuff from my time out west this summer. of course it's all 70s gay porn though.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

that's not a bad thing!!