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raybearIn the year end issue of Entertainment Weekly, they had a series of short pieces called This is the Year That..... and one of them was This is the Year That I Got Old. The writer was maybe 34 and started off talking about how they used to be totally on top off all things pop culture, but knew it was starting to fall apart when she left the seizure-inducing layout of MySpace for an account of Facebook so she could play scrabble with her friends. "Do you know who plays scrabble? Old people."
I could relate. Although I'm still beating my brother who turned 30 and suddenly only started buying one CD a year (and this was before he had kids). I used to be someone who made year-end top 10 lists. But now I read them for recommendations. Today I was scanning and listening, putting together a new playlist called "hipster workout" for something new while I'm on the fake machines at the gym. I was looking for more blip-beeps and ambient and zoning out types to mix in, and so far its LCD Soundsystem and Burial and Lil Wayne and RJD2 and Caribou and....Tegan & Sara. I know I'm like a thousand years behind everyone, by finally getting into them, and this is partially to blame because their album came out while I was working at the bookstore and all day long it was variations of girls with guitars music, whether it was Melissa Ferrick or the Butchies, and it all was blending together in my brain for awhile, so I sort of lumped it all together even after the fact. But you know, an album shows up on enough people's top 10 lists, I'll give it a listen. And I don't love every song, and so far I'm actually listening to more of "If It Was You" instead of "The Con".
Next week I'll be telling you about this new band Arcade Fire that I've heard of.
I've been weighing in every time I go to workout. I think awhile back I wrote something about being the lowest I've been, but that scale was all wonky and now I know which ones are reliable. I'm not overly concerned with the number, its more just another measurement of change and progress. When I step on, I like to pretend I'm a boxer weighing in, that seems to allay any of the baggage of it. I do have a goal though -- to be around 180. I was around 200 at thanksgiving, 195 after I started at the Y and right before xmas, 195 on the day after New Year's (which I was kinda proud of, given how much food and lounging I had done for several days of the holiday), and now I'm 193.5. Which is maybe even deceiving because for all the cardio, I'm also trying to put on muscle weight simultaneously. Its not the only goal I have, there is a complicated rubric that also involves how much weight I'm lifting for each muscle group on the circuit machine, how many miles I'm doing on the various machines, how fast I can run without feeling like I will die, how many pushups/situps/crunches I'm capable of, etc. etc. Its a somewhat arbitrary number and its mostly there because I like numbers and having them all charted. Seriously, I didn't fully realize this would be part of the appeal of working out. Its a word problem, a physics experiment, all wrapped up in one.
What is actually weirding me out more is how much lifting weights in just a couple weeks is effecting how my body looks and feels to the touch (at least to me, I fully admit to how it might not be appreciably different to anyone else, but that is neither here nor there, really). My volume is staying the same, its just moving around to a different shape, which is mostly what I wanted anyway. Its sort of strange and while I'm self-conscious of the vanity aspect, for the most part, I feel more in my body than I've been in....ever? Maybe. Or maybe since those first few months on hormones when I was so uber-observant of every day of waking and what might be different. Then I got bored of looking and started doing other things and months passed and suddenly other people started noticing for me. And then I will get compliments and then I'll resent people for it because that's how body issues work, right? I will try to curb that, we'll see. I think the main difference with how I'm feeling about it all at this moment is all those cliches have sort of come to pass in my brain: I'm doing it for myself, its effects my mental health positively, I'm not berating myself or hating my body, I thought I was sexy and attractive beforehand, etc. etc. I'm approaching the whole thing with more curiostiy than obligation. And really, its the mental healh aspect that keeps me coming back. I'm someone who has anxiety and depression, depending on the day, or hell, even at the same time, but this works on both, miraculously. It burns off the excess energy of anxiety, it gets me out of my head. It keeps me from being horizontal and frozen, it gets me out of my head. There's a theme here. Get out of my head. This does not include my imagination. That doesn't feel like my head, that feels outside, above my head. I mean more about the trapped circular, insular thinking that makes me think something has short-circuited and/or I'm just permanently fucked up and don't know how to function.
I'm majorly rambling and I didn't even get to the irrational panicky brain trip about becoming Marc Jacobs and I don't know how to get back to the place I wanted to end this post which is namely, I'm finally watching Friday Night Lights, season one (see, people list it on best-of's, I finally pay attention!), and I'm a little bit in love with Zach Gilford (the second string quarterback who steps in, Matt Whatitson) and want him to be my boyfriend. I'm not generally into fresh-faced pretty boys, so I am a little baffled by my own attraction. And I'm looking at pictures of him on google to show people, but none of them look very appealing to me, which make me think its more about how he moves and holds himself, and that makes sense, I am often way more interested in how people hold themselves and what they do with their body, rather than the body itself. Perhaps I can hold myself to this standard more often. Ah wait! Here's a decent one where he looks british and way more suave than usual, but whatever, he's on the right: http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/5798/esquirep7vd7.png
I could relate. Although I'm still beating my brother who turned 30 and suddenly only started buying one CD a year (and this was before he had kids). I used to be someone who made year-end top 10 lists. But now I read them for recommendations. Today I was scanning and listening, putting together a new playlist called "hipster workout" for something new while I'm on the fake machines at the gym. I was looking for more blip-beeps and ambient and zoning out types to mix in, and so far its LCD Soundsystem and Burial and Lil Wayne and RJD2 and Caribou and....Tegan & Sara. I know I'm like a thousand years behind everyone, by finally getting into them, and this is partially to blame because their album came out while I was working at the bookstore and all day long it was variations of girls with guitars music, whether it was Melissa Ferrick or the Butchies, and it all was blending together in my brain for awhile, so I sort of lumped it all together even after the fact. But you know, an album shows up on enough people's top 10 lists, I'll give it a listen. And I don't love every song, and so far I'm actually listening to more of "If It Was You" instead of "The Con".
Next week I'll be telling you about this new band Arcade Fire that I've heard of.
I've been weighing in every time I go to workout. I think awhile back I wrote something about being the lowest I've been, but that scale was all wonky and now I know which ones are reliable. I'm not overly concerned with the number, its more just another measurement of change and progress. When I step on, I like to pretend I'm a boxer weighing in, that seems to allay any of the baggage of it. I do have a goal though -- to be around 180. I was around 200 at thanksgiving, 195 after I started at the Y and right before xmas, 195 on the day after New Year's (which I was kinda proud of, given how much food and lounging I had done for several days of the holiday), and now I'm 193.5. Which is maybe even deceiving because for all the cardio, I'm also trying to put on muscle weight simultaneously. Its not the only goal I have, there is a complicated rubric that also involves how much weight I'm lifting for each muscle group on the circuit machine, how many miles I'm doing on the various machines, how fast I can run without feeling like I will die, how many pushups/situps/crunches I'm capable of, etc. etc. Its a somewhat arbitrary number and its mostly there because I like numbers and having them all charted. Seriously, I didn't fully realize this would be part of the appeal of working out. Its a word problem, a physics experiment, all wrapped up in one.
What is actually weirding me out more is how much lifting weights in just a couple weeks is effecting how my body looks and feels to the touch (at least to me, I fully admit to how it might not be appreciably different to anyone else, but that is neither here nor there, really). My volume is staying the same, its just moving around to a different shape, which is mostly what I wanted anyway. Its sort of strange and while I'm self-conscious of the vanity aspect, for the most part, I feel more in my body than I've been in....ever? Maybe. Or maybe since those first few months on hormones when I was so uber-observant of every day of waking and what might be different. Then I got bored of looking and started doing other things and months passed and suddenly other people started noticing for me. And then I will get compliments and then I'll resent people for it because that's how body issues work, right? I will try to curb that, we'll see. I think the main difference with how I'm feeling about it all at this moment is all those cliches have sort of come to pass in my brain: I'm doing it for myself, its effects my mental health positively, I'm not berating myself or hating my body, I thought I was sexy and attractive beforehand, etc. etc. I'm approaching the whole thing with more curiostiy than obligation. And really, its the mental healh aspect that keeps me coming back. I'm someone who has anxiety and depression, depending on the day, or hell, even at the same time, but this works on both, miraculously. It burns off the excess energy of anxiety, it gets me out of my head. It keeps me from being horizontal and frozen, it gets me out of my head. There's a theme here. Get out of my head. This does not include my imagination. That doesn't feel like my head, that feels outside, above my head. I mean more about the trapped circular, insular thinking that makes me think something has short-circuited and/or I'm just permanently fucked up and don't know how to function.
I'm majorly rambling and I didn't even get to the irrational panicky brain trip about becoming Marc Jacobs and I don't know how to get back to the place I wanted to end this post which is namely, I'm finally watching Friday Night Lights, season one (see, people list it on best-of's, I finally pay attention!), and I'm a little bit in love with Zach Gilford (the second string quarterback who steps in, Matt Whatitson) and want him to be my boyfriend. I'm not generally into fresh-faced pretty boys, so I am a little baffled by my own attraction. And I'm looking at pictures of him on google to show people, but none of them look very appealing to me, which make me think its more about how he moves and holds himself, and that makes sense, I am often way more interested in how people hold themselves and what they do with their body, rather than the body itself. Perhaps I can hold myself to this standard more often. Ah wait! Here's a decent one where he looks british and way more suave than usual, but whatever, he's on the right: http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/5798/esquirep7vd7.png
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-10 01:13 pm (UTC)I'm glad you are having these effects from exercise. I do too. They are different because I am different, but yes. I'm resolved to use the free weights.
I still hate Teagan and Sara. But that LCD Soundsystem record, oh how I love it. Especially specially "Someone Great." I need to make a now exercise mix, but I think mine is going to have all hardcore and punk music from 1992-1994.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-10 03:25 pm (UTC)Free weights feel like chaos to my brain. I like the circuit machines because I can keep it all straight which poundage I use on each muscle group and rotate around easily.
The LCD record is growing on me, but its more like I love certain songs at certain moments, but I can't just put it on whenever and enjoy. I'm liking the White Williams record, actually. What is your opinion on the Liars album? I'm in the middle of acquiring that as I type.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-10 03:35 pm (UTC)I want to do the free weights because they involve all of the muscles working together and the main thing that I want to do in building strength is to build coordination, my whole body doing everything all together. I think I could really use that.
The Liars are good, but they never get me charged after I hear them. They might be a band that I need to listen to on repeat ten gazillion times before I feel that way.
My theory is that one of the reasons I like the LCD Soundsystem more than you (and so much) is about our very different histories in music appreciation.