He took one look at my face and said 'I can fix that hole in you.'

[raybear]

This probably isn't a huge surprise, but I really love Kate Bush. Well, I love Kate Bush's music. There is a documentary dvd something about her that's been on my netflix queue for years and it sometimes works its way close to the top, but I always bump it down. I think I worry it will be boring or tedious or she will somehow be even more weird that I already know her to be and will completely turn me off from her music. I have this with lots of creative mediums, when I get to know the artist exclusively through their work and not at all through their biography, and then I sometimes get scared to learn about their real-life at all and decide that really, its best to only absorb the art/music/words for what they are themselves and not know anything about the creator at all. Which completely contradicts the fact that are certain artists who I'm very intrigued and interested in not only their creative process but also their personal life. (This also reminds me of when wearemany visited and told me Chuck Palahniuk was gay and I was floored, even though I've read 2/3 of the man's catalog.) I'm a hermeneutics-relativist. I am also a big nerd because I just made up that term to describe myself. But that's not a huge surprise either.

I got home last night and felt super anxious about being home alone and no longer around people to distract me, so I watched a movie. Specifically I watched 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days which is maybe an odd choice to watch while feeling raw, but sometimes I feel like rather than distract in a light fashion, I'd prefer to just go all the way there and watch something brutal. And that movie is brutal, but not in the way I thought. I'd sort of been dragging my heels on watching it, kinda like I do with most movies in that category of 'should watch' but seem so emotionally pornographic and possible problematic for those reasons (e.g. Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List, etc.) but this movie was not what I was expecting. I mean, its still wrenching, but for these different reasons, and it was powerfully done in ways that are not usually conveyed in films -- its not in the least bit histrionic, but its actually more painful because its really just staying in the moment of these people experiencing or absorbing trauma(s). I recently watched Michael Haneke's Funny Games, the american remake, and fck, that guy is brutal as a director. Brilliant, too, but at what cost? I don't know. But I'm realizing, oh maybe I like those movies. I mean, 'like' is a relative term. How can I say I 'liked' Dogville and Manderlay? Unless you defined the word 'like' as: I wanted to vomit then take a hot shower and/or kill myself afterwards but I can't stop thinking about the performances and ideas and stories AT ALL and I'm dying to talk about it with someone else who's seen it but I could never in millions and millions of years every recommend someone watch them. Then hell yeah, I 'liked' them. But anyway, 4 Months, etc. is intense but not nearly as assaulting as the other movies I've mentioned, and I appreciated the themes more and that it focused on a woman, on women, and that it wasn't totally misogynistic, which is often the problem with most brutal movies, they always seem to brutalize women unequally, which, even politics aside (which I don't think HAVE to be pushed aside either), creatively seems kinda lazy to me.

In Other News^TM, I spent almost the entire weekend around people and I think it was sort of necessary because I was kinda freaking out after going to the doctor on Friday and he told me his assessment of my rash is that I have discoid lupus, which is essentially lupus of the skin, which is essentially my immune system is attacking my skin, which means I'm causing the rash myself. I'm mean, quasi-metaphorically speaking, as is my thinking on a bad day/hour. Its not confirmed, he took lots of blood to have myself tested (also for systemic lupus, which is generally what people mean when they say 'lupus'), and I still have a dermatologist appointment for next week (at a different place than the I-Don't-Know-What dermatologist of two weeks ago) and I suspect they will skin biopsy as well. But honestly, it kinda feels right. It explains the non-responsiveness to all antibacterial and antifungal type treatments. It explains why it receded when I got sick, then came back stronger after (because my immune system was too busy fighting the flu to fight my own skin, thanks). It explains the face rash on my nose and cheeks that looks completely different from the rash on the rest of my body. It explains the intense flares of it after being in the sun. It explains why it seems to be doing lots better after applying steroid cream once and doing lots and lots of moisturizing -- I had been letting it dry out last week because I thought the dampness was making it itchy, but drying turned out to make me feel more miserable. So now when you see me in person, I will conceivably smell like coconut, because I am in love with rubbing that isht all over myself to get rid of the dryness and smell delicious in the process. Its also nice to have found something that makes me feel more pleased about my body and not so dissociated, which is what has been happening the longer this rash has gone on. So, who knows maybe in two weeks I'll be writing on here again saying, wait, no, its not scarlet fever, nor fungal infection, nor discoid lupus, its _____. But I sure hope not. Because as scary and troubling as discoid lupus seems to me in certain moments (there is a small but not statistically insignificant risk that is could lead to systemic lupus), its certainly not as bad as other things. It will probably involve lots of topical steroids and maybe even oral ones for a short period to make this outbreak go away, and then just ongoing monitoring/prevention.

I am excited to someday soon have back that 35% of my brain and emotional energy that seems to currently be permanently devoted to this problem. I'm glad that at least I care enough about all of you to not turn this into a total rash blog.

Comments

[saltjam.livejournal.com]

I hear you on devoting your energy to a health problem. I spend a large percentage of my time trying not to puke. A very large percentage of my time. I'm sure this interests you but the point being that medical shit DOES occupy lots of emotional space...the bigger the problem the more the space. SUX. I hope you figure it out though.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

No, I totally feel you. And whenever I have in sort of (temporary) chronic problem, I swear I'm never going to take it for granted again, but then of course you do. Its like post-headache euphoria only lasts a little while, then we're right back to forgetting we ever had a headache until another one comes along.

Sorry you're having your own mystery medical problem. That isht seems to be going around hardcore, at least more frequently in the circle of people I know.

[saltjam.livejournal.com]

yeah i was thinking that too...this shit is going around.

[anjiyama.livejournal.com]

Dearest I was just wondering if I asked about your rash on your facebook wall would that be kind of uncool? I would read a rash blog, I admit it.

Well, it feels better to know and also to have that confirmed by your intuition.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

haha, you can ask about anything on the facebook wall. wait, maybe i should amend that. except i don't know with what. so maybe in the future i might veto something, but whatever, i doubt it'd happen with you.

maybe i need Rash Filter. hahaha

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

1. Interestingly enough, there are some artists (John Mellencamp and Sydney Pollack, to name two) that didn't blip for me until I saw/heard them interviewed. I really liked JCM's thoughts about small town America as it related to race (from his perspective) and I found his thoughts nuanced and *gasp* surprising and starting giving his music a real examination. (I really like his stuff!) Same with Pollack. I remember hearing an interview many years ago re: Toostie and I just liked the cut of his jib and rapidly started watching his films and seeking out his acting performances (which are always delicious, even in CRAP like Eyes Wide Shut)

2. Emotional Pornographic is quite possibly the best way to describe those movies! I have stayed far away from those Oscar-bait type films because I am too mentally unstable (I'm looking at you, Crash and 21 Grams) to deal with anything like that. I just read the spoilers so I'm familiar with the concepts if they should come up at a dinner party or during the course of seduction.

3. Chuck is gay? That puts Fight Club in a more realistic light. I mean I always thought it was gay, not in a shirtless white party way, but in a "Oh my god, they are setting up house Raymond Burr style!!!" gay. It also makes me feel the ending is a dodge to avoid having to deal with the gayness.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I've totally had artists that I learned about their work after an interview or profile! That's why I'm a relativist. Some people I want to read the unauthorized bio, others I don't even want to know if their alive or dead. Hell, sometimes I don't even want to know if they've produced other WORK, because I want to just savor that one piece and not be devastated or disappointed to read something else or theirs that sucks, thereby making them fallible and human.

Crash and 21 Grams are mainstream emotional pornography, Lars von Trier is film nerd emotional pornography. This is why I don't mind a good action or romantic comedy movie -- at least their honest about what sort of outlet or escape they provide to our psyche.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

I've totally had artists that I learned about their work after an interview or profile! That's why I'm a relativist. Some people I want to read the unauthorized bio, others I don't even want to know if their alive or dead. Hell, sometimes I don't even want to know if they've produced other WORK, because I want to just savor that one piece and not be devastated or disappointed to read something else or theirs that sucks, thereby making them fallible and human.

i so felt this way forever about A.E. Hotchner! I have heard him named checked by all the right people (Newman, Vonnegut, Roth) but I was afraid to actually read the work for myself, for fear he'd end up being a homophobe or a racist or wifebeater.

I finally bit the bullet this year and I was floored at how much more I love him!

That said, I don't delve too deeply into Irving or Updike. No way. There are too many potential problematic land mines (both artistically and personally) for me to go there I stick to Hotel New Hampshire and those Rabbit books (respectively) and do not venture too far off the rez.

Lars von Trier is not happening! No way! Hell, I won't even watch Gaslight (39) unless I'm drunk and feeling cheeky.

[sharkysmachine.livejournal.com]

I wondering about your rash too. It sounded like ezcema the way it was just relentless. (I have a chronic raging case that I beat back with topical and oral steroids)

It sounds like you've gotten a good assessment, though I'm sure you wish someone like House was on the case, even if there was a possibility he might whap you with his cane.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

DYA and I totally had a conversation about wishing I could be a guest on an episode of House. Another drawback would be the need to come within hours of death in order for my case to be exciting enough for him to solve.

[0595.livejournal.com]

Wait, Chuck Palahniuk is gay?

[raybear.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know!

[swampgirl.livejournal.com]

ah, i have a friend who has discoid lupus. he got diagnosed a long time ago and it has never become systemic. your description sounds just like his. i think it is the sort of thing that alternative medicine to help the body function better is good for, but of course, autoimmune things are tricky, since stuff that strengthens the immune system's activity, perhaps like echinacea, might make it worse. i just got a tentative diagnosis for an unpleasant autoimmune dermatologic condition that requires biopsy and is too unpleasant to write about in a public forum (eg it has "erosive" in its descriptor!), so if you want to talk graphic skin condition details, we can exchange emails!

whatever the case, rest is good! and i'm suuuuure that having chocolate chip cookies with me is as good for autoimmune conditions as for infectious situations. so let's meet and have some soon!

xo

[raybear.livejournal.com]

i had chocolate chip cookies tonight at work, so here's hoping it works!

i need to square away my ymca membership now that its payday -- somehow they stopped doing automatic withdrawl from my credit card and i didn't notice until i went to the gym and said my membership was "past due". i'm like, uh, i have automatic paying? but i will be fixing that soon and then i'll be back lifting weights and hopefully running into you!!!

[crafting-change.livejournal.com]

I do hope the skin thing is resolved sooner rather than later. The stress of it has to be wretched.

For the movie Funny Games (I only saw the remake, I have a limited amount of energy for certain themes) I thought it was brilliant in the 'I'll only view this once but I feel really challenged as I view this' and wondered at the end why did I watch the whole thing - after all there was a challenge made upon the audience the whole way through.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

yeah, i'm still not sure that his way of challenging the audience was necessarily that successful, or rather, was it too condescending to be effective. but i thought the cinematography was so powerful and the way he chose these long, long shots that just wouldn't cutaway was so relentless and amazing. like, this isn't a fcking horror/thriller movie where we show you fictionalized trauma then blip away and keep snapping at your attention -- it had this realism to it that was astounding to me as a viewer. for example, when naomi watts had to untie herself, and her husband, and the whole time, off to the side is the body of her son. god, that was just so...brutal in the way that is was SUPPOSED to be brutal, you know? violence is fcking brutal! normally what i am sometimes bothered about with movies is that they generally sanitize and remove the audience member from involvement in violence, but that movie made me feel so....helpless. and participitory!

have you seen the movie Cache, by the same director? it is not nearly as hard to watch at Funny Games. in that movie he is dealing more with the sensation of dread and building paranoia of systemic and old fears (including touching on racism and colonialism). again, i'm not sure he totally succeeded at the end, but it was certainly provokative (in a good way) movie with fascinating stuff.

[crafting-change.livejournal.com]

Its so weird - I can handle the scenes where the director/author/what have you draws it out... I need it to be that long and painful for it not to feel sensationalized. There are a host of movies that I found really amazing that I'll never see them again - art that I count as experiences. That movie, trainspotting, and sling blade are a few. In all of them I think there is that chain of participatory-ness in a way.

I haven't seen cache - I think I'll definitely need to add it! Oh, that reminds me.. you totally need to be our 'netflix friends'.. the account is in Z's email: softpieces (at) gmail (dot) com

[foxycoxy.livejournal.com]

good news, raybear. I hope your immune system settles down once you feel comfortable and are able to rest on what it is. I fell in love with Burt's Milk and Honey lotion. It smells GOOD!

PS. If that Kate Bush documentary comes in, can i come over and watch it with you?