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Oct. 3rd, 2001 11:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearI've sort of resisted talking about my current feeling of low-ness, perhaps for not wanting to sound like a drama queen. It's weird when my tone suddenly is affected not by the fact that people will read my words, but that people will comment. It's very rare that I don't want to hear responses from people. But when it happens, it's a very strong feeling.
I think I'having delayed feelings of 'depression' right now -- a lot of isht has gone down in the past month, and so all of my emotional energy just went into coping with the actual problems, whether they had to do with moving, my relationship, my jealousy, my friends, my parents, fears of an unsafe world, work, whatever. And now things have settled and all is well in the world of Raymond, supposedly, which makes me feel weird when I'm compelled to not leave the house. Or leave the house in my own private bubble, protected by headphones (whether the walkman is on or not), a magazine, and a cigarette. All my senses are then focused or controlled, and I can easily fight off any stimuli. I struggle to pick up the phone and dial numbers and converse with people that I like and love and need to talk to or want to talk to -- and hang up the phone completely drained of all emotional energy. This is also why I'm unable to even begin to construct a letter to my parents. If I'm unwilling to make small talk with close friends, how am I supposed to venture into intimacy with people I don't trust?
I'm having physical symptoms of previous "depressions", just not as severe. And I don't want to indulge them at all, whic is also new. I don't feel compelled to just sit and let them pass and wait for the cycle to get back to the top. I just want to flip a switch. I want to turn on the light and yell at the shadows to go away.
I haven't taken my anxiety stuff in awhile. I just took a pill. So who knows. I haven't necessarily felt anxious, so to speak, in awhile which is why I wasn't taking them. I'm feeling compelled to sleep all the time, so a relaxant isn't necessarily called for (versus the periods in the past couple months where I would grind my teeth all night while wrestling with the covers and running in my sleep -- what's up with waking up and having sore legs??). But I should realize that the same part of my brain that causes any physical depression also causes physical anxiety and it all seems so gloriously stupid since I don't feel like I can stake any claims. Nor do I want to.
I almost made this a "friends-only" post but why the hell does it even make a difference? People I don't know may read this or mgith not but it doesn't really matter. If anything, I'd be more likely to make it a non-friends-only post. As in only "non-friends" could read it. Because I like to hide, I guess. Whatever -- it's my journal, as one would say.
And I guess I sort of just forced myself to write this because I needed to rant a bit and get it out there, but also so I can look back and try and find patterns or at least look back and realize, yes, I was a little bit aware despite any attempts on my part to deny, and no, things weren't as bad as this post makes them seem, but yes, they did exist.
11:11. Make a wish.
I think I'having delayed feelings of 'depression' right now -- a lot of isht has gone down in the past month, and so all of my emotional energy just went into coping with the actual problems, whether they had to do with moving, my relationship, my jealousy, my friends, my parents, fears of an unsafe world, work, whatever. And now things have settled and all is well in the world of Raymond, supposedly, which makes me feel weird when I'm compelled to not leave the house. Or leave the house in my own private bubble, protected by headphones (whether the walkman is on or not), a magazine, and a cigarette. All my senses are then focused or controlled, and I can easily fight off any stimuli. I struggle to pick up the phone and dial numbers and converse with people that I like and love and need to talk to or want to talk to -- and hang up the phone completely drained of all emotional energy. This is also why I'm unable to even begin to construct a letter to my parents. If I'm unwilling to make small talk with close friends, how am I supposed to venture into intimacy with people I don't trust?
I'm having physical symptoms of previous "depressions", just not as severe. And I don't want to indulge them at all, whic is also new. I don't feel compelled to just sit and let them pass and wait for the cycle to get back to the top. I just want to flip a switch. I want to turn on the light and yell at the shadows to go away.
I haven't taken my anxiety stuff in awhile. I just took a pill. So who knows. I haven't necessarily felt anxious, so to speak, in awhile which is why I wasn't taking them. I'm feeling compelled to sleep all the time, so a relaxant isn't necessarily called for (versus the periods in the past couple months where I would grind my teeth all night while wrestling with the covers and running in my sleep -- what's up with waking up and having sore legs??). But I should realize that the same part of my brain that causes any physical depression also causes physical anxiety and it all seems so gloriously stupid since I don't feel like I can stake any claims. Nor do I want to.
I almost made this a "friends-only" post but why the hell does it even make a difference? People I don't know may read this or mgith not but it doesn't really matter. If anything, I'd be more likely to make it a non-friends-only post. As in only "non-friends" could read it. Because I like to hide, I guess. Whatever -- it's my journal, as one would say.
And I guess I sort of just forced myself to write this because I needed to rant a bit and get it out there, but also so I can look back and try and find patterns or at least look back and realize, yes, I was a little bit aware despite any attempts on my part to deny, and no, things weren't as bad as this post makes them seem, but yes, they did exist.
11:11. Make a wish.
