now that's some fucking. --- Riley Bean
Oct. 16th, 2001 11:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearI just arrived at work, since I'm working late at a law school recuiting type reception. It's throwing off my whole perception of the week, since I got to sleep late and then just generally be lazy all morning in bed. It feels like a Saturday. But not. Of course, this past Sunday didn't really feel like a Sunday, since I had to wake up at 7 am. So basically the whole week is shot, as far as scheduling is concerned.
So I'm still feeling weird and disconnected about my body, but it's in this totally different way, which makes it difficult to talk about. I really suck at talking about new things. I can analyze and share and talk about familiar things, and discover new insights about them while doing this, but it's really really hard for me to try and put into words things before which I've never experienced. I've previously been disconnected from my body where I did not feel very comfortable and did not want to be touched and did not feel sexual. But right now I'm feeling more conflicted and confused -- I do feel sexual and physical, just not all the time. I want one thing, but then it feels weird, or I think I want something else, but can't figure it out at all. Hell, it's even extending into other arenas of my life -- I feel like I'm ordering the wrong foods at restaurants, choosing the wrong place to sit on the train, picking the wrong magazines to read. I can't judge my moods or desires at all. I think I want to watch TV, but I get restless and probably should go for a walk. I think I want to fuck, but then my body feels really uncomfortable and untouchable. I think I want to sleep, but then lie awake thinking I want to fuck.
I don't like feeling so confused. And it's even harder to try and figure things out when someone else is around trying to figure what the fuck is going with me.
I think part of me just wants to flip the script. I feel too settled -- I need to try something new and different to figure out what I want/need...even who I am. Why do I forget sometimes? What's that about.
So I'm still feeling weird and disconnected about my body, but it's in this totally different way, which makes it difficult to talk about. I really suck at talking about new things. I can analyze and share and talk about familiar things, and discover new insights about them while doing this, but it's really really hard for me to try and put into words things before which I've never experienced. I've previously been disconnected from my body where I did not feel very comfortable and did not want to be touched and did not feel sexual. But right now I'm feeling more conflicted and confused -- I do feel sexual and physical, just not all the time. I want one thing, but then it feels weird, or I think I want something else, but can't figure it out at all. Hell, it's even extending into other arenas of my life -- I feel like I'm ordering the wrong foods at restaurants, choosing the wrong place to sit on the train, picking the wrong magazines to read. I can't judge my moods or desires at all. I think I want to watch TV, but I get restless and probably should go for a walk. I think I want to fuck, but then my body feels really uncomfortable and untouchable. I think I want to sleep, but then lie awake thinking I want to fuck.
I don't like feeling so confused. And it's even harder to try and figure things out when someone else is around trying to figure what the fuck is going with me.
I think part of me just wants to flip the script. I feel too settled -- I need to try something new and different to figure out what I want/need...even who I am. Why do I forget sometimes? What's that about.
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no subject
Date: 2001-10-16 02:16 pm (UTC)you *think* you ARE someone that you actually WERE and now you're someone who has evolved adn so many of teh old rules do not apply. And, if this is the case, I totally feel sorry for you because when this turns out to be the case with me, the problem is: once I figure out teh new rules, I've evolved a bit more and then I gotta be confused agian.
hang in there, rayboy (playboy)
Joeboy (ho-boy)