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For those who just tuned in, or those who skim, I now work a deskjob that pays me pretty good money. I mean, relatively speaking to the fact that I existed for two years on approximately $14,000 a year. What I make now is a big step up from that -- and just in time as I'd nearly maxed out all my credit cards. I am also the absolute bottom rung on the corporate ladder though withint the organization, given that I am a part-time secretary, so my feelings about money are all muckety in a way that I'm sorting out occasionally. Like today, when I had to ask to get paid for Christmas day. When I asked for the week off, my boss said I'd get paid for the holidays when the office was closed. For Thanksgiving, the hours were added in manually from someone at the end of the pay period, and that didn't happen this time, but I decided to hold off until it was confirmed I didn't get paid. Yesterday I got the stub in the mail, and sure enough, wasn't paid. So I e-mailed them today and asked to have it corrected and accounting said, 'no, you don't get paid cause blah blah blah' and my boss wrote back and said, 'yes, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you, yes, he does get paid', and accounting said, 'ok, it'll happen next paycheck'. Problem solved, right? No real crisis, other than the 10 minutes between e-mails when I felt all demoralized and frustrated about not getting that day's pay (and possibly not getting the day's pay for New Year's or MLK Day on Monday). But it's all good now. Supposedly. I still feel all shitty. I don't have problems talking about money with candor with my peers (during the e-mail exchange, I turned to the woman I share a workspace with and told her all about it and she was supportive). But I hate the dynamic of having to talk/negotiate money with the people who are in control of doling it out. It's all sorts of feelings of shame and entitlement and fear and anger and guilt. Talking about it before the fact, or after the fact, I'm super confident about where it all stands and aware of meaning of worth and control and the associations that come with it that I must resist. But in the moment, I'm definitely not doing those things.

Speaking of demoralized, I've realized that playing computer chess when you're a near-beginner is sort of the equivalent of hitting a tennis ball against a brick wall. You're never going to beat that wall. But I can still maybe get better. If I can get over my tempter tantrums after losing in under 15 moves.

This afternoon I saw Children of Men which is kind of a shitty title (when I went to the theater, I asked for one ticket for Children of Dead, and the movie guy said 'what?' and I said, Children of THE Dead?....whatever that Children movie is!), but don't let it dissuade you, it's a great, great movie, and I credit unscrambled for pointing my nose to it. Also, it's sort of freaky, but literally on the way to the movie, I found out that a dear friend of mine is pregnant. Interesting timing for a lot of reasons.

Next week I'm going for matinee of Notes on a Scandal. Damn, I love Oscar season.