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I have a new technique for cleaning the cast iron skillet. I scrape the remnants out manually, rinse it with the hottest faucet water a few times, leaving a generous swirl behind, then add about 6-8 tbsps of kosher salt and scrub the pan with my fingers. No sponge, no scouring pad, just fingertips and salt. It works brilliantly to grind bits off while also soak up the fats and moistures, leaving the seasoned coating intact. A few more hot water rinses and the pan is gleaming jet black, inviting me to heat it up and toss something in. I love the look of a clean empty cast iron skillet sitting on the stove, like a kitchen in a doll house with empty pots and pans intentionally placed to indicate an air of lived-in.

Now I find myself washing other delicate things by hand as well. Today was the top of a green ceramic jar, brought back from my childhood, by way of my road trip to Atlanta a few weeks ago, visiting my hometown and my parents for the first time in 8 years. I managed to drive back with merely a giant plastic tub of items plus an electronic keyboard and stand. For nearly a month this tub has sat waiting for me to parse through it, to find a reason and purpose, or at least a slot on a shelf for each strange item from the mélange of nostalgia. A plastic magic trick, lost from a larger set that my current friend owns. I’m pleased I can help complete the set, it is a way of bringing my past forward to the present. A lego set that I’ve already put together and it sits on the mantel at the home of another friend who is a lego aficionado. There are a few fragile items wrapped in tissue paper, tucked in among the books and viewmaster slides, a clay bowl from kindergarten arts class and this sage colored ceramic jar I remember as sitting on my dresser but not the concrete details of when in childhood it appeared (middle school?) or the source (birthday gift from a friend?). There are items inside and I open expecting to find cheap jewelry but instead it’s rocks. A collection of different quartzes and…varietals? What is the word for “kinds of rocks”? Is ‘kinds’ the technical term in lieu of something Latinate-esque -- species or breed or strains? So anyway, it is rocks, a small rock collection. I turn around and look at the altar in my house now, and see on the left, a pile of rocks, ones I have been collecting for my adult life, starting in college. I thought it was something I invented for myself, a ritual I created spontaneously and borne out of the wisdom of reaching said adulthood, but no, my spirit has been attracted to the hard elements and rock for awhile. I crave it, even, the sensation of my skin to mineral, it is a cold electricity that warms gently over time and remains even longer. My collection is small, sometimes they get lost, more often I pass them along as gifts to others for their shelves, and I don’t collect rocks from every single place I travel, it is something that arises in a moment, they will be nearby and I will feel them talking out, emitting low hums of conversation and so I walk near them, glancing down, my heart on the lookout for the one who is looking for me. I pick up a few contenders, they are not right, I apologize for interrupting and cast them back to the fray. I walk and poke and skim and walk and then one will find me and I hold it as a test, putting my hand in my pocket, the weight pressed into palms, my fingertips examining the surface edges and texture. It stays. I carry it home in a suitcase and when I unpack, I place it on the altar, onto the pile I stare at now while holding this ceramic jar of rocks from a rock shop gift pack (See Rock City?), examples of the potential of rock variety that is out in the world, in the ground, ready for me to find it and dig it up. So I wash off the lid with my fingertips, rubbing off the collected dust of a decade or more, then find a place in the shelves above the altar for part of my origin.
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It is pouring down cold rain, with buckets thrown against the windows in lively bursts. The thunder rattles the walls of the house and your ribcage. It makes the dog nervous, she sits closer to me, follows even more so around the house. Luckily she doesn't whine or whimper, just always wants reassurance close by. I am glad for this weather, we've needed some hard rain to clean up the sidewalks and gutters and flowerbeds that were still gunked up from the snow melt. The rain is then supposed to turn to snow later tonight, so we cover it all up again. I wonder if it will then stay clean. Like my plan to keep bedsheets perpetually clean by always showering every night before going to bed. (I've never actually performed this experiment.)

I've been numb for most of this week, numbing myself out some, but mostly its even unintentional, I'm just absorbing the news in small waves. I leave on Sunday, after meditation service, I'll pick up the rental car and pack up some things and drive down south to Louisville. I'll get to Atlanta on Monday and will see my parents, my dad will go with me on Tuesday to drive around some of the old places. I will probably stay Tuesday night unless things go awry, which, while possible, I think would be highly unlikely. I am approaching it with curiosity as much as possible, but I've also been training myself a little, on how to remain myself in the interactions and not to get overwhelmed by my 13 year old self which will inevitably make an appearance, triggered by seeing them. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm steeling myself to be tough for them, but more that I am trying to ground myself as much as possible so I will stay relaxed and be myself and suffer any consequences of acting as such, because what to I have to lose this time? Pretty much nothing left. So anything that will possibly be built, might as will be with the most genuine everyday version of my self as much as I can be.

There are so many things I'm looking forward to as well, not the least of which includes eating Chick-Fil-A, Waffle House, bbq.

May 2010

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