Feb. 26th, 2009

raybear: (Default)
It is pouring down cold rain, with buckets thrown against the windows in lively bursts. The thunder rattles the walls of the house and your ribcage. It makes the dog nervous, she sits closer to me, follows even more so around the house. Luckily she doesn't whine or whimper, just always wants reassurance close by. I am glad for this weather, we've needed some hard rain to clean up the sidewalks and gutters and flowerbeds that were still gunked up from the snow melt. The rain is then supposed to turn to snow later tonight, so we cover it all up again. I wonder if it will then stay clean. Like my plan to keep bedsheets perpetually clean by always showering every night before going to bed. (I've never actually performed this experiment.)

I've been numb for most of this week, numbing myself out some, but mostly its even unintentional, I'm just absorbing the news in small waves. I leave on Sunday, after meditation service, I'll pick up the rental car and pack up some things and drive down south to Louisville. I'll get to Atlanta on Monday and will see my parents, my dad will go with me on Tuesday to drive around some of the old places. I will probably stay Tuesday night unless things go awry, which, while possible, I think would be highly unlikely. I am approaching it with curiosity as much as possible, but I've also been training myself a little, on how to remain myself in the interactions and not to get overwhelmed by my 13 year old self which will inevitably make an appearance, triggered by seeing them. I don't mean to make it sound like I'm steeling myself to be tough for them, but more that I am trying to ground myself as much as possible so I will stay relaxed and be myself and suffer any consequences of acting as such, because what to I have to lose this time? Pretty much nothing left. So anything that will possibly be built, might as will be with the most genuine everyday version of my self as much as I can be.

There are so many things I'm looking forward to as well, not the least of which includes eating Chick-Fil-A, Waffle House, bbq.

May 2010

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