This started out as a reply to Tara's comment, but it got too long...

[raybear]

I sorta feel like an ass, because to be honest this is a VERY new experience for me. I came out as a dyke, and I was so butch -- not just in my clothes and hair, but just in this sort of inherent way, so I was seen as queer all the time. And even if I was seen as straight, to be honest, I was thrilled to be seen as a sexual being at all, since that wasn't the case all through highschool and the beginning of college.

I have lots of femme friends and gf, or even just non-butch dyke friends (if they didn't strictly identify as femme) who would talk about hating their passing ability or feeling frustrated by not appearing queer. I was always the butch they liked to hang out with, because being seen with me sometimes made them queer! And of course I "understood" what they meant about invisibility, even among other queers, and could empathize. But it's not until I transitioned and started being read as "straight male" that I fully REALIZED what it's like to be queer-invisible. This is probably why I'm very fag-identified. It's a way of being queer without having to explain my gender identity or necessarily out myself as trans right away.

Coming out as trans from this side of the equation is a really new experience for me that I'm still trying to negotiate. I feel like a virtual expert in coming out as trans to folks who knew me in various past lives, and I even got pretty good at coming out to strangers when I was in the middle of transitioning -- like if someone at a party assumed I was a dyke, I was pretty good about either saying I was trans or saying that I don't identify as female, or even just saying "uh, I'm a guy" with my non-passing voice and face. But now, I'm read as male, assumed male, assumed bio-male.....and I don't necessarily mean to "hide" my transness, but it's hard. It's hard to know when to come out to folks. I don't want to do it too early and have them stumbling with prounouns everytime we hang out. I haven't had tons of experience with this though, since I haven't started that many new friendships in the past few months.

But anyway, now is the time I should say to all my femme and non-femme queer sisters, friends, and lovers something that most butches probably can't say: Now I know and know how hard it is and know how much it sucks.

Comments

[bias-cut.livejournal.com]

ray--

thanks for that. my own and others people's queer invisibility is something i've thought about a lot in the past few months.

just yesterday, my therapist and i talked about invisible identities, and how it is to live when people assume you're something that you're not, and how your degree of 'outness' directly affects your self esteem. it's definitely part of a larger conversation...

[wearemany.livejournal.com]

i honestly have so much to say about this that i don't know where to start. maybe because mostly i wish you were here so we could sit over coffee and do it in person. and also because i have a ton of work to do today.

but here's a funny place to start. my friend J was in town this weekend and i was showing her the recent batch of polaroids, which includes the pix of you and dylan i took while in chgo. and J reads my LJ faithfully (possibly even comments from my friends page? wave), and she's familiar with the concept of "Ray" and that "Ray" is something of an "ex." ("Why are you doing that with your hands? You're talking like that girl Sheila!") and this is someone who is very out about being bi/poly, and with whom i've had many talks about queer identity and such. and she looked at your photo and said, "this is someone you used to date?" in this way that i understood as "but he's a guy!" and i was somehow amused by all the levels of connotation and (mis)understanding and all i said was "yeah." cause i guess it's logical that she could read MY LJ and not get that you're trans, because even when i talk about you it's not about that (versus your own journal).

i was going somewhere with this. yes? yes, all this misidentification sucks. on the plus side, you have a good excuse to shock people on a regular basis, which has its own delights.

more on this later, i promise.

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

thank you for saying this. and i'm glad, even though it's a somewhat crappy thing, that you can experiance invisibility. as much of a freakshow as i am, i'm usually invisable. it sucks to see queers around and try to do that little "you and me both, brutha/sista" nod and have them not recognise it at all. :/