This started out as a reply to Tara's comment, but it got too long...

[raybear]

I sorta feel like an ass, because to be honest this is a VERY new experience for me. I came out as a dyke, and I was so butch -- not just in my clothes and hair, but just in this sort of inherent way, so I was seen as queer all the time. And even if I was seen as straight, to be honest, I was thrilled to be seen as a sexual being at all, since that wasn't the case all through highschool and the beginning of college.

I have lots of femme friends and gf, or even just non-butch dyke friends (if they didn't strictly identify as femme) who would talk about hating their passing ability or feeling frustrated by not appearing queer. I was always the butch they liked to hang out with, because being seen with me sometimes made them queer! And of course I "understood" what they meant about invisibility, even among other queers, and could empathize. But it's not until I transitioned and started being read as "straight male" that I fully REALIZED what it's like to be queer-invisible. This is probably why I'm very fag-identified. It's a way of being queer without having to explain my gender identity or necessarily out myself as trans right away.

Coming out as trans from this side of the equation is a really new experience for me that I'm still trying to negotiate. I feel like a virtual expert in coming out as trans to folks who knew me in various past lives, and I even got pretty good at coming out to strangers when I was in the middle of transitioning -- like if someone at a party assumed I was a dyke, I was pretty good about either saying I was trans or saying that I don't identify as female, or even just saying "uh, I'm a guy" with my non-passing voice and face. But now, I'm read as male, assumed male, assumed bio-male.....and I don't necessarily mean to "hide" my transness, but it's hard. It's hard to know when to come out to folks. I don't want to do it too early and have them stumbling with prounouns everytime we hang out. I haven't had tons of experience with this though, since I haven't started that many new friendships in the past few months.

But anyway, now is the time I should say to all my femme and non-femme queer sisters, friends, and lovers something that most butches probably can't say: Now I know and know how hard it is and know how much it sucks.

Comments

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

thank you for saying this. and i'm glad, even though it's a somewhat crappy thing, that you can experiance invisibility. as much of a freakshow as i am, i'm usually invisable. it sucks to see queers around and try to do that little "you and me both, brutha/sista" nod and have them not recognise it at all. :/