raybear | Taken out of context.

angeltrouble's most recent post has a comment I'm going to pull out of context:....shouting at her best friend, because "that's how we talk!"......

I too have gotten in trouble for 'being mean' and 'yelling' when talking to someone and I apprantly get excited. I don't feel excited. But yes, I do yell and shout at times and I'm not angry or mean. I'm just horribly animated. Usually I get in trouble because the context is a heated discussion or a fake argument over something inane. But sometimes I get shot down for being loud over something happy or positive. I usually get confused and puzzled when the person suddenly acts withdrawn, or even flat-out says, "you don't have to yell." Then I get embarassed. Then I get frustrated, because I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't intentionally raising my voice to hurt someone's feeling or express anger. That's just how I talk. And sure, I do try and tone it down some for that person in the future. But part of me wishes they would just yell back. Or laugh it off. I mean, if they want me to clarify whether I'm yelling becuase I'm mad or yelling because I'm enthused, that's not as big of a deal. But sometimes I get resentful of being shot down and having to change by behavior.

I was "raised" by loud people. By that, I mean all through middle-school and high-school, my big influence in communication wasn't my mute parents or my shy sarcastic quiet brother. It was my friends and classmates and drama people and teachers and church youth group friends and mock trial teammates. We laughed and talked loudly, and I guess some would call it shouting or yelling, but that seems to have such a specific intention behind it. I think of yelling when I'm calling someone's name from 100 yards away. Or shouting when I want to strangle a person in a car who almost ran me over in the crosswalk. Exclaiming "no, you didn't" or "what the hell are you talking about" doesn't seem like yelling at all.

I still 'yell' today. Not as much, I suppose, since my job doesn't give me much opportunity. But at home, I still yell at music videos. I still crank up the video games and yell at Damon or any other opponent as I beat them down, or get beat down. I still turn up my stereo and yell along with the song. Which is odd considering I have a minor phobia of loud noises. I plug my ears when sirens go down the street, I hate fireworks, I don't like sudden slamming of doors, and cars without mufflers make my skin crawl and eyes water.

But apparantly the sound of my own voice is okay. It's also usually the first thing to go if I'm not feeling as confident. Mumbling is always the first sign that I'm shy or embarassed or intimidated or sometimes just tired.

Last night I overcame my agoraphobia and went for a drink with Margarita Boy. I had a nice time, and I hoped I managed to cheer him up some -- he's hard a rough month. And guess who was at the illustrious bar? MelRo's Deadly Ex. I pointed her out to Margarita Boy...several times...and he finally said, look you need to stop being so obsessed. I reminded him that it wasn't MY ex. He said, yeah, I know.

But then I made him laugh when I told him I just saw her taking hits out of her inhaler between cigarettes. Granted we were practically chain-smoking at the time. But that was part of the hilarity.

Now lunch. Then brief production. Tonight possible grocery store and more Tony Hawk 2.