"Who's Jill Scott?" "Would it help you remember her if I told you she was a lesbian?"

[raybear]

I'm starting to feel like I'm officially a journal-er, since I've maintained a pretty strong commitment to writing and putting things down on (virtua0l paper. This livejournal is a record for me -- I've never been able to maintain a paper journal for as long or with as much detail. And I feel better about my actual journaling because when I go back and read things from a year ago, I don't cringe and try to dissociate from my previous incarnation -- I actually even manage to crack myself up. This passage I wrote is taken out of context of a larger discussion, but it should still make some sense:

"Also, sometimes when I get overwhelmed by feelings of "no, I'm a guy! See me as a guy! treat me as a guy!", I stop myself and say, wait, no I'm not. I'm a queer boy. A transguy. I like that I'm different from bio-guys. I don't even necessarily wish I was born male, because although certain problems would be alleviated, new ones would occur. I think I can even say that given choice, I would choose to be a transguy. Of course, this is today, which is a good day, because I'm not contemplating hacking off my chest with a kitchen knife, or hiding under the covers from the entire world, or having an anxiety attack regarding the amount of money I'll have to spend to feel "natural". But I guess in the end, I'd rather run the risk of being a suicidal-prone transguy than a homicidal-prone bioguy. What can I say -- I'm a giver."

Two people have written about deadly ex's today, which is strange since I was actually thinking about my Near-Deadly Ex lately. She's not really deadly I suppose, though she would get mad at me for saying that because I'd be underestimating her. So maybe I'm just minimizing. But it started off as good thoughts of her really. kpscapes posted some article in a community that linked to the Stone Femme website, and I really liked reading the femme's perspective on being with a transguy. And I had this weird urge to send her the article, but I was afraid it would get misinterpreted. Like I was still trying to fix our problems or tell her what to do or something. When in reality, I just think of her when I think about butch/femme, because we talked a lot about it, read a lot about it, and lived it to a certain extent. And it wasn't a bad time for that period of my life, it just isn't who I am on a broader scale. But in the end, I didn't send the article and I won't send the article and I'll just think about how things were and how they are and how some things are better but some things are just....different.

Comments

[angeltrouble.livejournal.com]

i love this entry. i feel as you do. i never kept as good a record of my life until i started online journaling. my paper journal has thrived in a way that i could've never predicted. i think of my online journal as snapshots of my life, and my paper journal as the captions under the snapshots. lately i've taken to printing out some of my entries and putting them along side the handwritten entris and it's stunning to see the changes in both my thought processes and my writing.

thank you for this entry. i too sometimes feel a stranger in my own body. sometimes i am upset because i'm not the right kind of "queer femme" and thinking about how much easier it would be as a person if i was. but then like you, i'm kinda glad that i'm not. for not being the "right" kind of anything makes you question the notion of "right" and also it makes you realize that don't owe anyone anything, and as long as it's right for you, it's right.

i don't know, i'm rambling. i have so many more things to say, you have inspired me today. *mwah*.

[raybear.livejournal.com]

Nothing to say, just lots of sheepish grins and blushes.

Oh, and thanks for the encouragement and the journaling ideas.

Re:

[angeltrouble.livejournal.com]

no, darling,thank you.