raybear | "Who's Jill Scott?" "Would it help you remember her if I told you she was a lesbian?"

I'm starting to feel like I'm officially a journal-er, since I've maintained a pretty strong commitment to writing and putting things down on (virtua0l paper. This livejournal is a record for me -- I've never been able to maintain a paper journal for as long or with as much detail. And I feel better about my actual journaling because when I go back and read things from a year ago, I don't cringe and try to dissociate from my previous incarnation -- I actually even manage to crack myself up. This passage I wrote is taken out of context of a larger discussion, but it should still make some sense:

"Also, sometimes when I get overwhelmed by feelings of "no, I'm a guy! See me as a guy! treat me as a guy!", I stop myself and say, wait, no I'm not. I'm a queer boy. A transguy. I like that I'm different from bio-guys. I don't even necessarily wish I was born male, because although certain problems would be alleviated, new ones would occur. I think I can even say that given choice, I would choose to be a transguy. Of course, this is today, which is a good day, because I'm not contemplating hacking off my chest with a kitchen knife, or hiding under the covers from the entire world, or having an anxiety attack regarding the amount of money I'll have to spend to feel "natural". But I guess in the end, I'd rather run the risk of being a suicidal-prone transguy than a homicidal-prone bioguy. What can I say -- I'm a giver."

Two people have written about deadly ex's today, which is strange since I was actually thinking about my Near-Deadly Ex lately. She's not really deadly I suppose, though she would get mad at me for saying that because I'd be underestimating her. So maybe I'm just minimizing. But it started off as good thoughts of her really.

kpscapes posted some article in a community that linked to the Stone Femme website, and I really liked reading the femme's perspective on being with a transguy. And I had this weird urge to send her the article, but I was afraid it would get misinterpreted. Like I was still trying to fix our problems or tell her what to do or something. When in reality, I just think of her when I think about butch/femme, because we talked a lot about it, read a lot about it, and lived it to a certain extent. And it wasn't a bad time for that period of my life, it just isn't who I am on a broader scale. But in the end, I didn't send the article and I won't send the article and I'll just think about how things were and how they are and how some things are better but some things are just....different.