Weekend

Had a good weekend. Started off with drinks on Friday after work with L___. We had a good talk about our friendship, and I really need to be a better friend to her -- i.e. keep her updated more and make more plans to hang out. I also just miss hanging out with her. I've been so disconnected from a lot of people lately, and part of it is Melanie, but probably 2/3 of it is just my own feelings of being withdrawn and muted. But I'm making progress.

On Saturday Melanie and I took a tour of Evanston, and I gave the Raymond Johnson history tour of my college years (and one year post graduation). We had lunch at Davis Street (best chowder ever) and took a tour of the Baha'i Temple. Pretty cool and interesting.

On Sunday, her soccer game was cancelled or defaulted, and then in the afternoon I had a freakout about my body and such and had to go home and be myself for a couple hours. I think I just woke up in a not-especially-happy mood. So when my binding wasn't working well (I basically felt like I wasn't binding at all), plus I felt dirty, unshowered and unshaven, and I didn't like my clothes, and my hair was all fuzzy, and I didn't feel like being around people, but there are always people at Melanie's because she has roommates who are always home....I just sort of couldn't take it all, and I freaked out. In the middle of playing a video game, I just paused it, put on my shoes and coat, grabbed my bags and left. I felt like such a drama queen, but I really wasn't trying to make a scene or make Melanie pay attention to me or anything. I just needed to get away for a bit. I managed to calm down pretty quickly -- I'm getting better at stepping outside of myself and seeing my actions from a non-me perspective and it helps re-ground me. So anyway, that night we went to Duke of Perth for the best fish & chips ever and thing were all good once I had my mini-tantrum and home-time (there was a funny moment at my apt involving my packer cock bouncing off the wall, but I'll just keep that to myself....)

Then yesterday, I had a good hangout with Damon where he made an amazing spread of food. We did a reading, which I hadn't had in awhile, and it was pretty interesting. Lots of reversed cards. I had a near future of reversed Death, and an outcome involving separating my problems out and dealing with them one at a time -- I got like four different court cards of each suit, all reversed. So needless to say, some things are blocked. Which I knew. But I think the most interesting aspect that came from the reading was the idea that I'm using old "tricks" to deal with recurring problems, but that those routines won't work and I need to try a new approach. Hmmm.

I have therapy tonight, but I don't want to go. Typical.

Oh, and off chance that she's reading this, HI MELISSA!!! I'll post a comment on your guestbook soon.

And one last thing -- I finally talked to V___ over the phone. It went well. Not that I was worried. Fear of coming out generally tends to come from emotional investment or fear of retribution, but since I had nothing to lose, it felt painless on my end. But I"m going to try and followup with an e-mail. It's good to have those occasional connections to the far past....

I also feel compelled to have a post about non-monogamy, ethical sluthood, and how it works in my current relationship, but that will have to come later. I must work!

Non-monogamy

I am currently in a nonmonogamous relationship. It is not polyamorous, in that I have ongoing outside relationships. I have one relationship. My primary emotional support is with her, my primary social support is her, and my primary sexual partner is her. But I have lots of friends, because I like a variety of social support as well as a variety of emotional support. So why is it a huge deal to occasionally want a variety of sexual experience? NOW...this does not mean I fuck whoever I want, whenever I want however I want. Some nonmonogamous people have those rules and that's fine. But I don't. Partly because I'm a control freak -- I like to know exactly what's going on. Partly because I can sometimes be jealous -- and again, I like to know what's going on. Partly because of health and safety issues -- I can't be giving blowjobs to random guys then bringing back chlamydia to my primary partner. Mostly because I love and like honesty. Honesty is more important to me than monogamy. Which means I believe in fidelity, not monogamy. My g.e. and I have a lot of rules for our nonmonogamy. If possible, we tell the other person ahead of time so there's a veto opportunity. We tend to dislike repeat players, so to speak. We also don't want outside sexual experiences to replace relationship sex, nor do we want it to interfere with time together. Outside sex shouldn't be used instead of communicating problems, nor should it be used as a "weapon" of some sort against the other person. Neither one of us is really looking for outside experiences at this time, though it might happen later (like this summer when we're apart for over 2 months). We also don't really engage in any current group play activities, though it might happen later. The rules with nonmonogamy are that we make the rules, and that we are always honest. Nonmonogamy is ALWAYS negotiable. I would much rather have a discussion about straight up emotional inseucrities and jealousy with out having to have additional conversations about betrayal and lying and distrust. For me, nonmonogamy is also about trusting our commitment to each other. I know that if she gets drunk and makes out with a friend who's in town, it's not because she doesn't want to be with me. Sometimes things happen. And if I decide I want to hook up with a boy just for the experience, it's not because I'm not satisfied with her or our relationship. And it's not because I"m careless about our relationship. It's because I'm a complex sexual person who works hard at expressing everything about my sexuality. I still masturbate even though I'm in a sexual relationship, and it's not just because I'm aroused and she doesn't want to have sex. Sometimes I masturbate for the express reason that it is something I'm doing by myself. Its alone time. For me, integrating masturbation sex routines into a sexual relationship can be similar to integrating outside experiences. As long as both partners agree and understand and trust and one activity isn't sabotaging or interfering with the primary relationship, then I feel the primary result is fidelity and satisfaction.

I never question anyone's decision to be monogamous, though I do sometimes wonder if people think thoroughly about what it entails and how it plays out. And I'm NOT saying that you have to "try" non-monogamy before you can really choose monogamy -- I'm just saying that most folks would probably benefit from a cafeul examination of their own desires and how it affect emotional realtionships.

fear of doctors

So....I finally got off my ass and made an appointment with my doctor. I haven't seen him since the end of February. Oops. I think I'm past due for a check-up. Plus, my prescriptions will be running out next month. Anyway, my appointment is for 9:45 am on June 7th. I'm now using livejournal as my dayrunner as well. Ha!