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Jul. 25th, 2001 10:10 amSo I just wrote this private entry describing one of the more intimate moments of the past weekend, and that probably wasn't a good idea to do at work. damn my hormones. i need some coffee or something to dsitract myself.
oh, and my appetite is back. yay. i hooked up with damon after work and we went to the grocery store, where we decided to go all out and buy steaks for dinner (they were on sale, which was part of the inspiration). So I had a big hunk of strip steak plus some yams for dinner. the most I've eated in awhile. we talked a lot and caught up with stuff on the weekend. he told me that I'm on some Pluto isht with my new discovery about how I was running from myself, in part by totally just submerging my personality into my relationship with melanie, which intellectually is the EXACT OPPOSITE of my ideal relationship, but emotionally what I was compelled to do. but now that the "demon" of myself has returned from last fall and tapped me on the shoulder and said in his best Des'ree voice "I Ain't Movin", I can't ignore my isht. So it's time to take a swim in lake me, to quote myself. but not necessarily in a "sit at home and meditate and spend hours and hours by myself" sort of way. but in more of a "go out and talk to people, try new things, and experience stuff" way. which is why, i think, after spending a few hours with Damon, then going to coffee with Ar___ for an hour or so, then coming home, I felt genuinely tired and ready for bed. my energy had been expended in a positive way. it's weird when you realize you've been doing the wrong thing because you thought that's what you needed. like I've been sort letting myself stay at home and be inactive, because I thought I needed to give myself space and alone-time. but instead I would just watch tv all evening and not be able to sleep because i had so much anxiety from the extra energy. even "self-validating" became an exercise that would relax me some, but not enough to help me sleep.
so anyway, yeah, I got this big shadowy version of myself that's been haunting me, and now I'm trying to make friends with the beast and figure who the fuck I am and what I'm doing with my life. piece of cake. no, I don't mean who I am in the grand scheme or forever and ever amen, or what I'm doing with my life as in what's my purpose for existence and what will I be in 5 years. I'm talking about basic stuff on a small scale. what do i like to do? how can I go do it? why am I holding myself back from doing it? but I"m starting small. bite-sized chunks, as Ridley said, that I will try to chew at least a dozen times (not sure if I can make it to 25).
and I think one of things I"m going to do tonight at the store is call up El___ and maybe ask her out. or ask her to hang out. or whatever. I think I'm partly attracted to her because she's a nice stranger who seems to like me but knows little about me. And sometimes I'm attracted to hanging out with strangers because the canvas is blank and I can paint myself however I want. no, i don't lie and paint something i'm not. but I can paint myself in broadstrokes which makes it easier for me to see my own big picture. and then i can add whichever details about myself I want -- I don't limit myself to one particular realm. that's really what I need in the times when I feel i'm just floating aimlessly or unnaturally focused on on one thing -- a different perspective.
so yeah, I"m trying to stay motivate and focused at work to get things in order for the boss's return and before I go on vacation. and tomorrow night is my last night at the bookstore -- so many evenings free! so many opportunities! ha. we'll see.
let me go back to making lists.....
oh, and my appetite is back. yay. i hooked up with damon after work and we went to the grocery store, where we decided to go all out and buy steaks for dinner (they were on sale, which was part of the inspiration). So I had a big hunk of strip steak plus some yams for dinner. the most I've eated in awhile. we talked a lot and caught up with stuff on the weekend. he told me that I'm on some Pluto isht with my new discovery about how I was running from myself, in part by totally just submerging my personality into my relationship with melanie, which intellectually is the EXACT OPPOSITE of my ideal relationship, but emotionally what I was compelled to do. but now that the "demon" of myself has returned from last fall and tapped me on the shoulder and said in his best Des'ree voice "I Ain't Movin", I can't ignore my isht. So it's time to take a swim in lake me, to quote myself. but not necessarily in a "sit at home and meditate and spend hours and hours by myself" sort of way. but in more of a "go out and talk to people, try new things, and experience stuff" way. which is why, i think, after spending a few hours with Damon, then going to coffee with Ar___ for an hour or so, then coming home, I felt genuinely tired and ready for bed. my energy had been expended in a positive way. it's weird when you realize you've been doing the wrong thing because you thought that's what you needed. like I've been sort letting myself stay at home and be inactive, because I thought I needed to give myself space and alone-time. but instead I would just watch tv all evening and not be able to sleep because i had so much anxiety from the extra energy. even "self-validating" became an exercise that would relax me some, but not enough to help me sleep.
so anyway, yeah, I got this big shadowy version of myself that's been haunting me, and now I'm trying to make friends with the beast and figure who the fuck I am and what I'm doing with my life. piece of cake. no, I don't mean who I am in the grand scheme or forever and ever amen, or what I'm doing with my life as in what's my purpose for existence and what will I be in 5 years. I'm talking about basic stuff on a small scale. what do i like to do? how can I go do it? why am I holding myself back from doing it? but I"m starting small. bite-sized chunks, as Ridley said, that I will try to chew at least a dozen times (not sure if I can make it to 25).
and I think one of things I"m going to do tonight at the store is call up El___ and maybe ask her out. or ask her to hang out. or whatever. I think I'm partly attracted to her because she's a nice stranger who seems to like me but knows little about me. And sometimes I'm attracted to hanging out with strangers because the canvas is blank and I can paint myself however I want. no, i don't lie and paint something i'm not. but I can paint myself in broadstrokes which makes it easier for me to see my own big picture. and then i can add whichever details about myself I want -- I don't limit myself to one particular realm. that's really what I need in the times when I feel i'm just floating aimlessly or unnaturally focused on on one thing -- a different perspective.
so yeah, I"m trying to stay motivate and focused at work to get things in order for the boss's return and before I go on vacation. and tomorrow night is my last night at the bookstore -- so many evenings free! so many opportunities! ha. we'll see.
let me go back to making lists.....
