"Cocktease" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

So I'm a little tired this morning, since I didn't get home until 1:30 am. I went to therapy and had a good session, then went home, ate a snack and called her. We decided that I would bring over a movie from the Raymond BoyWonder collection, so we watched "Waiting for Guffman", which she hadn't seen but heard about. So yeah, she liked the flowers and we talked a little, then just popped in the movie. We were sitting near each other on the couch, then finally about 2/3 of the way into it, I just sort of took her arm and started touching her. So once the boundary had been broken, we watched the rest of the movie touching -- nothing big, but it felt nice. So yeah, then it ended, and we talked some, and made out some, and talked some, and made out some, and talked some and made out some....you get the idea. This lasted for awhile. And there were varying degrees of intensity, but it never really went past a certain point. She said she was still feeling ambivalent and overthinking things, and we talked some about that. I felt really weird, because she would seem to be enjoying it, and enjoying it getting a more intense, and it would maybe go to a slightly futher level, and she'd be okay with it, but then she would just stop. So I'd stop. And we'd talk. Then we'd get started again, and the cycle repeated itself practically half a dozen times. It was frustrating for 2 reasons. One: I didn't know what to expect -- I would rather she just straight up told "I only want to do this" and then I would know. But it kept waving back and forth. Two: I may sound like an ass for this, but it's my journal, so whatever. She, uh....wasn't exactly the best kisser. Or more accurately, I didn't really mesh with her style of kissing. Which can put a whole damper on the "just making out" part. But the touching was really nice -- me touching her and her touching me. And I was totally open and willing, which might have made it hard. If I was feeling more stone, I might have been relieved about the lack of more intimate action, but since I was totally ready to "whip it out" so to speak (again, trying not to sound like an ass). So. The parting was sort of weird, and it got left really up in the air, partly because she's busy the rest of the week and then on Monday going out of town for a week. But I told her that if she has free time this weekend and wants to hang out, to give me a call. And I gave her my e-mail address.

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This article comes with a shoutout to snk. I don't agree with all of his assessments, but it's a topic that I think/talk about often, so I'm happy to see something written about it. Maybe I should check out the book....

Nellies need not apply
Gay culture celebrates effeminacy as a social ideal. Why does it ridicule it as a sexual one?
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By Michael Alvear
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Spoke with Melanie and told her the scoop on last night. We also talked a bit about this weekend, though my opinion was sort of moot point since other people are going along now. But I'm still glad I told her. She seemed pretty bummed, because of a combination of things -- being busy, tired, stressed, possibly getting sick, and then 2 of the folks she spends the most time with will be gone the entire session (basically the next 2 weeks). I have this feeling that by the time she returns she will be completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'm sorta glad that I have to work during the day and she will have a whole week off, so she can have lots of time to herself to readjust without me feeling obligated to help, which I would probably try to do unsuccessfuly if we were seeing each other 24-7. I don't want to get weird either -- I know that I can sometimes get all narcisstic and sensitive, so if she's going on and on about how much she misses camp and people there, I'll start feeling all like "what about me? aren't you glad to be with me?", but my goal in the next few weeks is to be an ADULT. refreshing, huh? And realize that she's telling me things because she likes to share what she's feeling, and hello dumbass, I like to hear how she's feeling. And not everything's about me. So chill. I get so emotionally childlike at times. But I think I'm getting some growing pains and expanding into adulthood.

After work I'm hanging out with bouncy boy Ryan. I'm guessing he won't be dressed as George Michael, so I hope I'll recognize him.

This morning I started constructing a mixtape I think I will entitle "Urban Love Movement", which sounds cheesy, but it comes from a discussion with Melanie (that started as a seed of a conversation with La___ a LONG time ago) about music and it's relation to environment and where you live, and how the folks at camp who are from Vermont don't necessarily "get" things like hip hop, techno, electronica, or even punk, emo, or complicated singer-songwriters. I've experience the reverse effect to, where city folks and/or Northerners and/or non-southerners don't "get" the blues or country/folk (and I mean REAL country, not Shania crap or whatever). So anyway, yeah, I want to make a mixtape of complicated love songs for cityfolk. Of course, right as I started typing this I FORGOT what I wanted to put on the list....umm....oh yeah, I'm thinking Bjork. Tricky. Aimee Mann. Mark Eitzel. Dance Hall Crashers. Artful Dodger. hmmm....keep brainstorming while making boring labels for the archives....