"is this Master P?"

"shut your piehole."

Went and saw Milton's play last night, which was really enjoyable. She gave an awesome performance, especially in such a complicated role. And the play was pretty intriguing. Def. glad I went to see it. Afterwards I went out for beers with some of the other actors and her friends. I was in sort of a weird space, where I didn't feel super confident or comfortable talking -- like every "anecdote" was flopping or seomthing. So I ended up staying pretty quiet, which I later realized might have made me look like an asshole. Or at least like I wasn't having a good time. I kept getting weird vibes from her co-worker -- and in general, I often don't get along well with younger straight white guys. Probably because I don't play by the same rules or socialize the same way or whatever. And I kept getting this weird impression that he had the hots for Milton, and he suspected that I was some sort of threat to him. But maybe I'm just reading way too much into stuff. It was sort of funny when I gave folks a ride home, and I decided to play one of my harder mixtapes, and at one point during a Mobb Deep song, there was a lull in the conversation and then he went "is this Master P?" and he said it in sort of a smarmy way, like hey I know the name of a rap star. I just sort of shook my head very slowly for a minute then said "uhhhhh..........no." what i was thinking about saying was "bitch, shut your trap." but I probably had been alienating enough for one evening, and I really wasn't trying to be mean. I just think it's pretty damn rude to be insulting to someone's music in their car while they're driving you home. then the other woman in the car was being really nice and making conversation, but started acting a little nervous after the guy got out. this was when i realized "wait, i must look like an asshole! i was feeling intimidated by these people, so i stayed quiet, but they're scared of me!" it was weird. so then i'm trying to be friendly, and she's giving me directions to her apt, then she's like "you can just drop me off here at the corner, i'm only a block down". so she gets out of the car, and i wait, because I don't want to drive away and leave some woman standing in the street. she starts walking down the sidewalk...and walking and walking, and then i lose sight of her. so she totally lived like 2 blocks from where she said to drop her off. like she didn't want me to know where she lived. though she was probably just not wanting to inconvenience me since I already gave her a ride home and i was acting all sullen. oh well. i'll probably call Milton tonight and apologize, or at least clarify. i really was just in a quiet mood. and i'm such a sensitive little nothing, so it's weird to think of people perceiving me as mean or intimidating or what-have-you.

just got a phone call from someone i've been avoiding. maybe i need to have a breakup talk with her. even though we never dated. seriously, it's the friend of St___, the one who was doing the photo project of me. she wanted to hang out this weekend, but i told her Melro was back in town, so i wasn't making any plans. and she was like "maybe i can come over on sunday and take some pics".
when did I become a person with drama in their life? I used to pride myself on having close to zero. I am getting better about eliminating it before it blows up though. the situation with Ca___ is actually pretty tame. I don't mind talking to her on the phone for a few minutes and catching up -- I just don't want to make regular plans to hang out with her extensively. So the "being busy" thing works perfect -- we just see each other occasionally. hell, even when we try to make plans, half the time she cancels on me anyway.

alright -- i have to go research flight info for my boss.

Sex and the City

( article from Salon.com )

it's her decision. i just gave my opinion.

"I been used again, accused again - this time
been wrong to chop somethin done by one of my user friends."

There's some mad isht going down for folks in the LJ world.

And in the regular world, folks are getting sick and dropping like flies near me. I fear I might be next.

"So whatever it is you puffing on that got you think that you Superman
I got the Kryptonite, should I smack him with my dick and the mic?"

Yeah, you can do both.

(no subject)

Sometimes I tell people things that I'm thinking/feeling because I want them to say "of course you feel that way! in fact, you should feel more of it!"
Other time I want them to just say "yeah, I've been there. good luck with the process."
And it's bad when you want one and get the other.

I have no idea why I even brought it up. I should have continued talking about the pieta and Tilda Swinton.

my life is currently an equation:

2(a+b) + cx + dyⁿ = z

-where a and b represent the variables of negotiating with awkward conversations with former intimates (i.e. the stress of dealing with El__ and K__) which is doubled because of their proximity.

-where x is the variable that represents exhaustion from moving and c represents anxiety that the move produces

-where y represents the anxiety of MelRo's return, and the variable n is a function of time where the value increases as the time between now and her arrival decreases. the value of d is just miscommunications of short awkward phone conversations. d is currently tripping me up. but looking at the big picture, I realize that it doesn't have to affect the sum, z, as significantly as my overreaction is making it.

I should also realize the sum, z, represents the clatter and rumble and explosions and stress currently in my head, so therefore any reaction or thought that my brain spits out is obviously being greatly affected by z and should not be considered true and correct representations.

(And I'm not ashamed that Howards End is one of my favorite movies. I don't care.)