I forgot to post about my dream last night. I guess it wasn't exactly a nightmare -- but it certainly wasn't pleasant. After meditating on it some, I think I sort of figured it out.
Ok, so in my dream I was living with my g.e. who was Melanie, but she was sort of...not Melanie. Like she was portrayed by someone else who I don't really remember. And in the dream we were living with a roomate -- who was played by Melanie. So in a sense, there were two MelRo's (oh, Doublemint?). Anyway, the three of us were sitting aroudn talking, and I remember we were in a bedroom that had 2 twin beds next to each other, and I was on one bed, and they were on the other one, leaning against the wall. Things were going well when I suddenly became completely overwhelmed with feelings of hurt, anger, and jealousy, and I started fighting with Melanie the g.e. -- it wasn't a new fight, and by that I mean it was basically a repeat of stuff I've said before, only I was a lot more dramatic and out of control (like crying and practically yelling). So Melanie the roommate looks sorta startled and awkward, and she gets up and says something like "I should leave you two alone" and leaves. I then proceed to lose it some more -- Melanie the g.e. never really says anything.
So. I woke up, feeling really shaken, and realized I was in bed with MelRo and for a split second thought the dream was real, but realized it wasn't and that I wasn't mad at her. Or didn't think I was. Or knew I shouldn't be. I didn't totally wake her up, but I sort of prodded her a couple times and induced cuddling, so to speak. And fell back asleep.
I felt really weird after a woke up -- like I was wondering if I had some major unresolved issues that I'm not addressing? Is that why they're appearing in my dreams? But I'm not really sure that's the case, since I didn't say anything new in my dream (i.e. it was a repeat of a previous discussion about the issue of Ms. Vermont Call), only my emotional reaction was much more severe and violent (not in a physical harmful way towards myself or her -- just extremely forceful and vehement and distorted.) I think my brain just tapped into that memory because it's the most recent emotional tumultous event for me. Hell, I've probably felt worse about the issue of 'Vermont Call' than I have about "recent events" -- though I'm sure part of me just finds it easier to funnel anger into a minor conflict rather than attempt to wrestle with large emotional turmoil. So I feel like my dream was basically an anxiety dream, but of a more emotional nature than my typical "I'm-DJing-a-party-but-left-my-records-at-home" anxiety dreams I've had in the past month. The part that I'm more focused on is the dual appearance of Melanie. Perhaps it's about recent thoughts regarding the balance of me indivudually, my relationship with her as 'partners' or whatever, and my relationship with her as roommate. Not that there has been major drama or problems or anything of the sort. But just that I'm always trying to maintain a balance and try not to let too much leak into other areas. And also trying not to get too comfortable and co-dependent in my relationship so that it becomes either a rut or a crutch. I mean, I don't need to have constant change, and I like stability and support -- but I guess I don't want to sit back and let things go to waste either.
enough rambling.
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