Keep your hands where I can see them -- don't make me nervous.

kisha made a post recently about feeling bad about her "inappropriate" sexual desires etc. etc. which was sort of a funny coincidence since I was thinking this morning about how I often fantasize while masturbating about objects of desire that in a non-masturbatory context would totally freak me out. Not so much activities -- I have a pretty easy time owning up to sex acts and desire for sex acts and whatnot, and don't view too many sex acts as weird and inappropriate. But I'm talking more about the actual people I think about. Like I'll think about people that I'm not really sexually attracted to at all and have no desire to engage in any sort of sexual activity, and there often people that I would NEVER own up to thinking about. Obviously, it's probably the whole "forbidden" aspect that makes it hot for me. I do often get turned on and repulsed by the same thing -- what's that about? Possibly why I like trashy porn -- it's so gross and unrealistic and awkward and strange.....and it gets me off almost every time.

I usually like having a fantasy life that's completely the opposite and extremely removed from my real sex life. But every once in awhile I think about how someone told me they never fantasize about actual people because they almost feel like they're violating them.

Or maybe just violating a copyright law for unlawfully using someone's likeness without permission.

( now the boring stuff )

And you'll be stiff as a log, in a suit looking nice.

I made it through the day (*cue Barry Manilow song*). And I'm very proud. Desite nearly vomiting after lunch from some weird anxiety issue. I could NOt deal with being at work and did not think I could complete one more thought after nonstop uber-productivity from 9:30 am to 1:30 pm, but then I realized I have my lovely lovely pills to take, and they helped tremendously. The result is a much cleaner desk and a game plan. Yes, a game plan. I will conquer this job, I swear to you and myself.

I'm still very much on edge, and feeling surprisingly paranoid. Like I'm getting very defensive when a co-worker approaches or I receive an e-mail. Maybe I shouldn't have smoked pot on my lunch break. Or maybe it was that butterfinger granola bar that's producing paranoia. I should have eaten it instead of smoking it.

I found some San Fran plane tickets from Saturday December 29th or Sunday December 30th through Wednesday January 2nd for 200 bucks or less. Hey wearemany, can we sleep on your broken futon, or is that space occupied by Sarah Lawrence? Otherwise, any recommendations for cheap/free accomodations? We may also stay one or two nights in Palo Alto, I suppose.....

Coming soon: sushi!!!