Taken out of context.

angeltrouble's most recent post has a comment I'm going to pull out of context:....shouting at her best friend, because "that's how we talk!"......

I too have gotten in trouble for 'being mean' and 'yelling' when talking to someone and I apprantly get excited. I don't feel excited. But yes, I do yell and shout at times and I'm not angry or mean. I'm just horribly animated. Usually I get in trouble because the context is a heated discussion or a fake argument over something inane. But sometimes I get shot down for being loud over something happy or positive. I usually get confused and puzzled when the person suddenly acts withdrawn, or even flat-out says, "you don't have to yell." Then I get embarassed. Then I get frustrated, because I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't intentionally raising my voice to hurt someone's feeling or express anger. That's just how I talk. And sure, I do try and tone it down some for that person in the future. But part of me wishes they would just yell back. Or laugh it off. I mean, if they want me to clarify whether I'm yelling becuase I'm mad or yelling because I'm enthused, that's not as big of a deal. But sometimes I get resentful of being shot down and having to change by behavior.

I was "raised" by loud people. By that, I mean all through middle-school and high-school, my big influence in communication wasn't my mute parents or my shy sarcastic quiet brother. It was my friends and classmates and drama people and teachers and church youth group friends and mock trial teammates. We laughed and talked loudly, and I guess some would call it shouting or yelling, but that seems to have such a specific intention behind it. I think of yelling when I'm calling someone's name from 100 yards away. Or shouting when I want to strangle a person in a car who almost ran me over in the crosswalk. Exclaiming "no, you didn't" or "what the hell are you talking about" doesn't seem like yelling at all.

I still 'yell' today. Not as much, I suppose, since my job doesn't give me much opportunity. But at home, I still yell at music videos. I still crank up the video games and yell at Damon or any other opponent as I beat them down, or get beat down. I still turn up my stereo and yell along with the song. Which is odd considering I have a minor phobia of loud noises. I plug my ears when sirens go down the street, I hate fireworks, I don't like sudden slamming of doors, and cars without mufflers make my skin crawl and eyes water.

But apparantly the sound of my own voice is okay. It's also usually the first thing to go if I'm not feeling as confident. Mumbling is always the first sign that I'm shy or embarassed or intimidated or sometimes just tired.

( p.s. )

"Your face is all red."

Before I begin this post, I must mention that "Can I Get A...?" just came on the radio. After I just replied to comment by angeltrouble who earlier made a post including this song. It all comes full circle. But anyway...

We have a temp today. She's of that indeterminate age, where she could be a matureish 19 year old with lots of makeup or an inmmature mid-20s woman with lots of makeup. Her smell is overwhelming -- some bizarre trendy perfume mixed with the cosmetic smell of hair product and makeup. She has highlights in her hair. She has almost no eyebrows except for a remaining carefully plucked thin arch. She's wearing a trendy tight red sweater and clinging grey wool pants. She wears giant thin hoop earrings. And lavender lip gloss.

And she keeps flirting with me.

Now, I'm not delusional. I don't believe she's actually making moves or interested or anything. I think she's just friendly and using flirtation as a means of being nice. But it makes me feel flustered. I think because she reminds me of all the popular trendy girls in high school and college who never had anything to do with me. And so now the attention is unfamiliar. I have asbolutely no idea how to act. I don't feel comfortable flirting back, because I don't want to seem sleazy or have my actions misinterpreted. I mostly just mumble and half-smile and blush. But then she teases me for blushing.

Right before I started typing this, she stopped at my desk and commented on the picture of my nephew.
She asked if I had kids. I said no.
"Because you don't want them?" Then she smiled and cocked her head.
"Uh....no.....I want to, just.......uh, just not yet."

Then I turned back to my computer and became busy.

In the middle of typing, she came over and asked about using our fax for her time card. She asked about my band-aid. I said, oh I cut my finger on last week. She smiled again. "Well, you know, I HAVE to ask, what happened?"

This is so weird. Why is this freaking me out? This straight girl is way too unfamiliar territory for me.

But the best part was a conversation earlier, where she asked how long I worked here and what I did. She asked if I liked it, and I hesitated about being honest with my career change, since no one here at work techinically knows. I said it's good, but I'm thinking about switching...then paused...then said I originally wanted to go to law school before.... She interrupts me and says "wow, that is a big switch." I was really confused. I guess she interpreted it as me going from actually being in law school to being an administrative assistant-type. Which I guess is a little big. If it had happened. Then she went on about how she was in nursing, but she dropped out of school and now she's temping but she wants to teach and is going back to school for that.

"Wow. That's a big change, too."

I sat down and felt relieved I didn't have to explain to her what a music producer is.

In direct contrast to my post earlier in the day...

The Flirty Temp just said to me:
"You don't talk much, do you?"
I became an even deeper shade of red, I'm sure, before saying, "well, sometimes."

In other news, the brief is minor and not being copied here and I only have to FedEx 5 pages tonight then make a table in the morning and by lunchtime I'll be done and no worse for the wear. And with that run-on sentence, they should be happy I'm not in charge of writing the brief. Of course, there's that whole matter of the law degree. And I'm very ready to go home. Oh, and I've forgotten to mention how much I love this Samantha Mumba song. I have such weird music taste.