A second once in a lifetime may be too much to ask.

This morning I was on a broken CTA train. I had a choice between standing on the Red line (faster) or sittting on the Purple line. I'm lazy, so I chose to sit. The train stopped at Wellington. After 15 minutes, we were invited to evacuate the train. Ten minutes after everyone finally got off and packed onto the tiny platform, we were invited to crossover to the northbound platform, take the train back to Belmont and switch to a red line. I decided to stay put, but ten minutes later I accepted their invitation.

People's behavior during CTA problems amuses me. I don't mind the occasional sigh, eye roll and knowing grimace exchanged between seasoned riders. But I hate uppity folks who get so stressed out and upset by delays and problems. C'mon now -- this can't be your first time riding the train. You know there's always troubs during heavy commuter time and that's just how life goes. But the person next to me on the platform tried to make me a co-conspirator in her ranting and complaining. I wanted to point to my headphones (her mouth was about 5 inches from them) and say "shhhhh. Peabo Bryson." Instead I just looked at her and her mouth moving (my headphones blocked out the rabble), then slowly turned my head and went back to looking at the sparks approximately 3 feet from my shoes, wondering if my pants were flame retardant.

Many folks whipped out the trusty cell phones to call work and inform them of the horrible tragedy that would delay them. I decided to whip out my cell phone and call Damon. We chatted for a few moments, then I invited myself to take advantage of the CTA's advice and crossed over platforms. I got to work about 9:35. Half my co-workers were on the brown lines behind my train and didn't make it until later. Ah well. Such is the life of this urban dweller.

I certainly can't really be mad at folks on the train who were visibly upset and bitching -- I'm not immune from my own temper tantrum and anxiety issues. But I'm trying very hard to at least not got supremely upset over minor expected aggravations. I don't know if this will cause my other explosions to be bigger and badder, or if it will make me less calm over all. I don't think tranquility is a finite amount that can only be scheduled around, destined to be pre-empted by anger.

( dog stuff -- I don't want to bore everyone on my friends page so I cut it )

In other news, I got ONE reply to my Reader ad. Well, I sorta got two, but I never heard back from the first guy who also placed an ad. This guy specifically responded to my ad. I sent him a photo, reiterated the transguy part, and he wrote me back yesterday. limenal and I decided his photo looked like the typical Central European grad student. I mean, I wasn't swooning but I also wasn't scared. He looked like a fairly average cat who could either be really attractive based on his style and how he moves and stuff like that, or he could just be boring and not interesting. I just wrote him back and asked if he wanted to meet for coffee or a drink this week. Maybe Thursday, since MelRo will be out celebrating the end of her exams and first-year of law school. (Though I still need to reschedule my date with Sparky, which got pre-empted by the burglary last week!) I'm still interested in being social, though I'm also interested in staying at home on my couch with my dog. I think I can manage to do both.

Speaking of social, vfc, does 8 pm work for you tonight? There might be additional parties attending the viewing -- a couple interns from work who seem preliminarially cool, though I can't completely vouch for them yet, and maybe possibly Myles?!?! I should call him

The Great Experiment

They ask
"Isn't it easier to just be monogamous?"
They ask
"Don't you get jealous?"
They ask
"Is it worth all the trouble?"

I love answering the first question. No, monogamy is not easier. The effort is exactly the same, only the energy is going in different places. I can stomp up on my political soapbox about cultural conditioning regarding open relationship and criticize societal standards of marriage as sexist and anti-queer and anti-love. I can say that 50% of supposedly monogamous marriages fail. (Statistics are my favorite tools in an argument.)

The second question is easy to answer too, though perhaps harder to convince the asking party. Sure, I feel jealousy. Sure, it's hard to examine where the feelings of insecurity and envy and hurt feelings reside, to poke and prod and excavate. But the end result is a happier, healthier heart, not bogged down with "what-if's" and "shoulds" and absolute, total, heart-stopping fear of being alone or abandoned no matter what evidence exists that contradicts.

The third question is more complicated, partly because the real question is:
are ANY relationships worth all the trouble?
Today I say yes. Tomorrow I'll probably say yes too. And maybe for one hour next week I'll say no.
But I've still out-voted myself.

Nonmonogamy isn't just about sex
(though don't get me wrong, the sex can be nice).
It's about establishing and building absolute trust and faith in each other without relying on feelings of ownership and obligation.

You know that one person you were desperately in love with and believed they were your soulmate? You wanted to be with them no matter how many times they lied, cheated, ignored, or abused you? Remember how powerful that feeling of near unconditional love? How you were willing to accept them back and be with them no matter what's occured?

Eventually you learn you're delusional.

But I aspire to have that power of feeling towards my partner.
Towards her.
Only instead of heartbreaks and lies and delusions, she'll bring me honesty and truth and discussions and respect.

But what about those in-between? Those lovers I unintentionally label "secondary"?

I think I'm capable of a thousand types of love. And I want to experience them all -- some of them with different people. The more I explore, the more I open myself, and one day perhaps I can give a partner 999 styles of loving them (the remaining one is solely for myself).

And then will it all be worth it?

How could it not?