The Great Experiment
Jun. 4th, 2002 04:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raybearThey ask
"Isn't it easier to just be monogamous?"
They ask
"Don't you get jealous?"
They ask
"Is it worth all the trouble?"
I love answering the first question. No, monogamy is not easier. The effort is exactly the same, only the energy is going in different places. I can stomp up on my political soapbox about cultural conditioning regarding open relationship and criticize societal standards of marriage as sexist and anti-queer and anti-love. I can say that 50% of supposedly monogamous marriages fail. (Statistics are my favorite tools in an argument.)
The second question is easy to answer too, though perhaps harder to convince the asking party. Sure, I feel jealousy. Sure, it's hard to examine where the feelings of insecurity and envy and hurt feelings reside, to poke and prod and excavate. But the end result is a happier, healthier heart, not bogged down with "what-if's" and "shoulds" and absolute, total, heart-stopping fear of being alone or abandoned no matter what evidence exists that contradicts.
The third question is more complicated, partly because the real question is:
are ANY relationships worth all the trouble?
Today I say yes. Tomorrow I'll probably say yes too. And maybe for one hour next week I'll say no.
But I've still out-voted myself.
Nonmonogamy isn't just about sex
(though don't get me wrong, the sex can be nice).
It's about establishing and building absolute trust and faith in each other without relying on feelings of ownership and obligation.
You know that one person you were desperately in love with and believed they were your soulmate? You wanted to be with them no matter how many times they lied, cheated, ignored, or abused you? Remember how powerful that feeling of near unconditional love? How you were willing to accept them back and be with them no matter what's occured?
Eventually you learn you're delusional.
But I aspire to have that power of feeling towards my partner.
Towards her.
Only instead of heartbreaks and lies and delusions, she'll bring me honesty and truth and discussions and respect.
But what about those in-between? Those lovers I unintentionally label "secondary"?
I think I'm capable of a thousand types of love. And I want to experience them all -- some of them with different people. The more I explore, the more I open myself, and one day perhaps I can give a partner 999 styles of loving them (the remaining one is solely for myself).
And then will it all be worth it?
How could it not?
"Isn't it easier to just be monogamous?"
They ask
"Don't you get jealous?"
They ask
"Is it worth all the trouble?"
I love answering the first question. No, monogamy is not easier. The effort is exactly the same, only the energy is going in different places. I can stomp up on my political soapbox about cultural conditioning regarding open relationship and criticize societal standards of marriage as sexist and anti-queer and anti-love. I can say that 50% of supposedly monogamous marriages fail. (Statistics are my favorite tools in an argument.)
The second question is easy to answer too, though perhaps harder to convince the asking party. Sure, I feel jealousy. Sure, it's hard to examine where the feelings of insecurity and envy and hurt feelings reside, to poke and prod and excavate. But the end result is a happier, healthier heart, not bogged down with "what-if's" and "shoulds" and absolute, total, heart-stopping fear of being alone or abandoned no matter what evidence exists that contradicts.
The third question is more complicated, partly because the real question is:
are ANY relationships worth all the trouble?
Today I say yes. Tomorrow I'll probably say yes too. And maybe for one hour next week I'll say no.
But I've still out-voted myself.
Nonmonogamy isn't just about sex
(though don't get me wrong, the sex can be nice).
It's about establishing and building absolute trust and faith in each other without relying on feelings of ownership and obligation.
You know that one person you were desperately in love with and believed they were your soulmate? You wanted to be with them no matter how many times they lied, cheated, ignored, or abused you? Remember how powerful that feeling of near unconditional love? How you were willing to accept them back and be with them no matter what's occured?
Eventually you learn you're delusional.
But I aspire to have that power of feeling towards my partner.
Towards her.
Only instead of heartbreaks and lies and delusions, she'll bring me honesty and truth and discussions and respect.
But what about those in-between? Those lovers I unintentionally label "secondary"?
I think I'm capable of a thousand types of love. And I want to experience them all -- some of them with different people. The more I explore, the more I open myself, and one day perhaps I can give a partner 999 styles of loving them (the remaining one is solely for myself).
And then will it all be worth it?
How could it not?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I salute you, my friend.
Date: 2002-06-04 02:27 pm (UTC)I love this post.
As a human new to the world of non-monogamy (or at least, new to participating in it), this is wonderful.
It's weird, too because I've been thinking about the very things that you wrote all afternoon.
You're the bees knees, Ray.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-04 02:39 pm (UTC)The wonderful
Huzzah!
no subject
Date: 2002-06-04 03:37 pm (UTC)You know, I never get asked the first and third question. I get the second one, frequently. I think it says more about the people who ask it, than the issue itself.
Uh huh!
Date: 2002-06-04 07:16 pm (UTC)I agree with you on those sentiments! Much easier to share love than harbor resentment.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-04 08:27 pm (UTC)non-monogamy is something that i (and therefore riley, conjointedly) have considered, but don't know if i could handle. i mean, i could most likely handle being able to see more than one person, but i don't know if i could handle riley doing it and that's unfair to him. i decided not to undertake any kind of secondary relationhip until i was at the point wherein i felt as though i could recriprocate. and i think that works for us.
it's good to hear all sides of it. thank you.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-04 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-05 09:04 am (UTC)I very much love MelRo and I'm in love with her. To quote Barry, she's my first, my last, just not my everything. But she's got a large majority.
i know isn't about sex
actually, for me it is. that's why i don't usually say i'm polyamourous -- i'm not truly in love with multiple people. i might have crushes on multiple people and adore multiple people, but to me it's sort of like have a variety of friendships outside of your best friend or your partner. i like having multiple types of sex and connections with people just to experience what they have to offer and give them something in return.
i also wanted to reply to your reply to my comment on the other post from yesterday -- i really meant what i said about me not planning on changing my feelings for you even if we hooked up. but that's because for me, hooking up with you would be a fun extension of the dynamic and adoration i have for you through livejournal. i wouldn't have said those things if i actually was trying to be your boyfriend -- it would be unrealistic and unfair and disingenuous. if the situation was different (i.e. if i was single, if we lived closer to each other, etc.) i wouldn't try to win you over with false promises for the sake of trying to bed you.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i really believed what i said to you, because i think i have fairly specific expectations of you and i don't claim to really know you or know that we're meant to be together or anything of the like. i also try really hard to not be an asshole and lie to people when it comes to feelings.
i don't know. now i'm just rambling.