![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
That's not what alter ego means.
Feb. 4th, 2003 01:15 pmSome days I move through the crowded streets and avoided all eye contact or even noticing the dozens of people surrounding me at any given moment. Even if I have to interact with them because they're ringing me up or asking for directions or holding the door, I still have the ability to look them in the eye and say "thank you" without actually noticing or building a memory image.
Other days I notice everything, perhaps even to the point of rudely staring if I'm not careful.
Yesterday was different. At lunch I left the building late in the day, unable to fully shield myself from the mist and rain. I turned up the collar of my jacket and folded my eyes and only looked at the ground three feet in front of me. I could have been walking past zombies, celebrities, and jesus and not have known it. On the walk back I decided to open myself up to the rain and not feel so burdened at the prospect of droplets on my glasses (an intense pet peeve). I started walking with my face up, still avoiding people.
At the sandwich shop the person who made my sub looked exactly like![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
the_passives except a bit taller and without glasses. For some reason I smiled and thanked him as if he was Andrew, even thinking that my sandwich would be safe and well-made because Andrew likes me, right? I'm not just some strange customer.
At the train turnstile on the way home was a man who looked exactly like the actor in Bully who was the actual bully. I'm not entirely convinced it wasn't him. He was talking very intently about himself to a blond woman. She saw me looking at her, and we locked eyes for several steps, even while she continued to nod as if she was listening. She looked at me as if she knew I knew she was bored with this pretty boy and his obsession about himself. I didn't know that before looking at her.
On the platform I slinked near the back as usual. The only other person waiting there was awillagurl lookalike. Not so much that they were twins, but more that they were cut from a similar mold. Same height, same build, same hair color, same boots and skirt, same way of pushing their hair away. I sat down first on the train, and when she walked past me she looked at me, sizing me up, then gave me a nod. I started to think I had too much livejournal on the blame since this was the second-lookalike of the day.
But then something weird happened. I sat facing the doors, watching people enter and exit. Every person who made eye contact had the same reaction to me. I have no idea what face I was making, but I was receiving a response of grateful acknowledgment. Sometimes a small nod, or half-smile, or even just lingering glances. Nothing sexual, nothing aggressive.
Times like this make me wish I could see myself other than in a mirror. I have no idea what faces I make in any given moment. How do I look when I'm typing e-mail? Or teasing someone in gentle way? Or being flirtatious? Would I be horrified at how I look, or would I be impressed, wondering how I transformed myself into the person I see in my head?
Other days I notice everything, perhaps even to the point of rudely staring if I'm not careful.
Yesterday was different. At lunch I left the building late in the day, unable to fully shield myself from the mist and rain. I turned up the collar of my jacket and folded my eyes and only looked at the ground three feet in front of me. I could have been walking past zombies, celebrities, and jesus and not have known it. On the walk back I decided to open myself up to the rain and not feel so burdened at the prospect of droplets on my glasses (an intense pet peeve). I started walking with my face up, still avoiding people.
At the sandwich shop the person who made my sub looked exactly like
the_passives except a bit taller and without glasses. For some reason I smiled and thanked him as if he was Andrew, even thinking that my sandwich would be safe and well-made because Andrew likes me, right? I'm not just some strange customer.At the train turnstile on the way home was a man who looked exactly like the actor in Bully who was the actual bully. I'm not entirely convinced it wasn't him. He was talking very intently about himself to a blond woman. She saw me looking at her, and we locked eyes for several steps, even while she continued to nod as if she was listening. She looked at me as if she knew I knew she was bored with this pretty boy and his obsession about himself. I didn't know that before looking at her.
On the platform I slinked near the back as usual. The only other person waiting there was a
willagurl lookalike. Not so much that they were twins, but more that they were cut from a similar mold. Same height, same build, same hair color, same boots and skirt, same way of pushing their hair away. I sat down first on the train, and when she walked past me she looked at me, sizing me up, then gave me a nod. I started to think I had too much livejournal on the blame since this was the second-lookalike of the day.But then something weird happened. I sat facing the doors, watching people enter and exit. Every person who made eye contact had the same reaction to me. I have no idea what face I was making, but I was receiving a response of grateful acknowledgment. Sometimes a small nod, or half-smile, or even just lingering glances. Nothing sexual, nothing aggressive.
Times like this make me wish I could see myself other than in a mirror. I have no idea what faces I make in any given moment. How do I look when I'm typing e-mail? Or teasing someone in gentle way? Or being flirtatious? Would I be horrified at how I look, or would I be impressed, wondering how I transformed myself into the person I see in my head?
