Sometimes I think that I know what love's all about

Last night in the 10 degree weather I walked to every CD store in the one mile radius of my apartment. That's eight stores, for those who don't know. I needed this one song for a mix CD I was inspired to make for myself. When I got home I remembered the song was on a mixtape geekgrrrl47 made for me awhile back, so I pulled out my boxes of disorganized cassettes and rifled through with no success -- the tape was at work on my desk from repeat listenings awhile back.

I made the mix anyway. Sure it's missing the seminal song that encapsulates the mood of the entire mix and consequently my life right now, but who cares, right? And now I don't even want to mention the song because so much effort was expended and failed that it seems silly and trite. Maybe I'll be less cranky about it tomorrow.

Today I was going to listen to the mix at work and post the track listing here, but guess what I left sitting on the turntable? I did however bring along Sparky's mix CD that I made last night too, and I'm giving it a few spins to make sure there are no major flaws. Plus, it's a party mix so it brightens my Monday morning, almost as much as the homemade chocolate chip cookies the intern brought for us. The breakfast of champions.

I don't want to write the entire narrative, but on Saturday night I had a dream involving Yoko Ono. And her taking me on as an intern/student which I was completely relieved and excited and amazed about. Then she morphed into someone else in my real-life and I'm waiting for that person to make me a mix that includes the Dar Williams song "I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono".

Oh! And when going through the boxes of tapes, I found a mixtape from 1993 that I made so I threw it in the bag to listen to on the train this morning. Oh my goodness does it suck. My music taste was extremely questionable between 1993 and 1996. I mean, it wasn't all horrible, but I had affinity for some crap mixed in with the good stuff. I blame the friends I spent time with -- they were a bad influence. And damn, was a morose mthafcka. I put this aria from La Traviata on the tape (which I think is the one from the movie Philadelphia). I probably did some visible cringing on the train even though no one around me knew what was happening -- fast-forwarding through a Crash Test Dummies song. Not even that single, but some other random track. Um, yeah. Sucks.

To-do list

I just can't get it together this morning and do real work. I mean, I've done all these small thing, but not the big projects which will remove large pile of papers off my desk. I'm usually more productive in the morning but somebody's got a case of the Mondays. Or maybe I just haven't had any stimulants this morning, and while I'm not having any withdrawal symptoms like headaches, I am feeling pretty unfocused.

So instead, I'm compiling a list of all the books currently on my reading list. I had a conversation on Saturday about how many books are started at the same time and feeling unable to overcome the moments of hyperactivity to complete the texts.

Here are the books I'm reading currently and somewhat regularly (I read a few pages anywhere between once a day or once a week):

+ A Natural History of the Senses
+ Zen 24/7
+ Wake Up To Your Life
+ The Stream of Life

And over the weekend, I started on Linda Goodman's Love Signs, Linda Goodman's Sun Signs, and Intimacy & Solitude (which I've started five times in the past three years). On deck is The Passion According to G.H. which is waiting on the coffee table.

Random books that lie around and get picked up periodically and read (usually twice a month):

+ SM 101
+ The Ethical Slut
+ Ego Trip's Big Book of Rap Lists
+ Ego Trip's Big Book of Racism
+ various short story collections
+ Buddhism Plain and Simple
+ the first draft to my novel


I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe it's my magazine subscriptions -- I read Spin, XXL, and Remix every month, and occasionally flip through The Source, Esquire, and Entertainment Weekly.

But I still don't feel like I'm reading enough, mostly because it's such small quantities at a time. Or I'll go to the other extreme like Fast Food Nation and read it all in one sitting. Maybe I just need more fiction on my list. Something even fluffy, or at least extemely readable even if the topic is not light. Recommendations?

In Which Raybear Quotes Himself

Lately I've been obsessed with reading old entries, noticing how my style has changed and grown as a writer, but also my own perception of what's important to write about and what stays around in the long haul of shaping experiences.

Mostly I've been entertained with myself. Either because I was trying to be funny, or I'm just amused at what I had to say at the time on a subject.

In honor of looking backwards to move forward, I bring you some past Raybear moments. In no particular order at all.
( ramblings on the past and patterns of growth )

Stranger in the House like Tamia

I was just listening to a Coldplay song and answering phones while my co-worker is on break. Then someone called in for her.

"May I ask who's calling?" I inquired.
"Chris Martin."

My super-conscious gets stronger by the day. Soon I'll have instant and direct access to the collective unconscious and you should all be very, very scared.