Ain't it a shame that all the world don't got keys to their own ignition.

( today's horoscope from two sources )

What interests me about the second horoscope is this morning I walked into the kitchen and was immediately transfixed by the blue flame on the stovetop as Sean was boiling up water for some concoction. I literally stood in the kitchen for 20 seconds just staring, then snapped out of it and chalked my spacing out to sleep deprivation, seeing as I didn't fall into it until after 1 am. But yeah, maybe my fascination with the stove came from my apparent metaphorical need to get off of it.

I know I didn't invent talking to myself, but sometime I think I've developed it as an artform. I was having mad conversations with myself in the car last night on the way to the airport. I never realize how much I talk to myself until I find myself surrounded by people for a long period of time, thereby preventing me from having extensive conversations without arousing suspicion. For the most part I've changed to whispering to myself, or even just mouthing words, something I can do for five minutes in the shower without interruption or unintentionally getting someone's attention because they assume you're talking to them.

It's sort of the equivalent of masturbating, I think. Talking to myself isn't so much about needing to talk so bad but no one is around, any more than masturbation is about the need for an orgasm but no one is available to provide. Self-conversing and self-pleasure are more about reconnecting and recentering with myself, being more present, or at least the first step on the way to being more present.

I'll tell you a secret. I listen to headphones nonstop so I can mouth the words on the train without attracting too much attention, but I'm only singing along half the time. I'm much better at hiding my self-conversations than I am at hiding my vocal tic.

Can Jesus help your body image?

Sometimes I want to write to feel better and other times I refuse to put down words until the feeling passes because sometimes I'm sick of a journal that's filled with random spurts of crankyness or anxiety or fear that quickly becomes forgotten. I mean, I suppose in some ways, it's the inherent nature of journaling.

The past two nights I've had these anxiety dreams and part of me wants just ignore them and the other part wants write and talk them to death. Neither one of these instincts are particularly appealing to me right now. I think it just boils down to needing some reassurance, looking for it in others, but the person I really want reassuring me is myself. I'm having one of those "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" moments, though not really in the money/work sense that people usually use that phrase to mean.

Some of this comes from several important people in my life all being preoccupied with other activities right now, absorbed in their own life, as they deserve to be. Sometimes when it happens all at once and I'm feeling arrogant, it can seem conspiratorial.

But I also know part of my need for reassurance is induced by sitting at a desk, trapped in a little cubicle, feeling like I don't have options. But I do have them. Yesterday I did productive work and I felt better, didn't feel as antsy on the train ride home. I don't handle boredom well -- I just sit in it and do nothing and get more anxious. But all I have to do is jump that first hurdle, get moving, and the inertia helps carry me forward.

And sometimes, someone wonderful offers up some inspiration, or at least humor.

Your inspirational workoscope for July 10, 2003:

Your job is part of what makes you a great person, RAYMOND, even when you don't like your job, because the work you do makes a big difference in the world. Moreover, your co-workers appreciate your good humor and insight as they assign you menial tasks. Don't forget that many Leos may envy you and your job, and while it isn't what you want anymore, it's still a pretty good gig for a day job and enables you to accomplish other things. Take pride in your work, RAYMOND, because you know you feel good about yourself when you're productive.

So put that in your back pocket.

I find it strange that I read journal entries from today and think "what the hell was I talking about? I mean, specifically?" I've already forgotten. At this time, I should note that I was supposed to get a hormone injection yesterday but didn't because I forgot to make an appointment and I've been too busy in the mornings and evenings. I think I have some leftover gel packets I might use in the meantime to help alleviate my recent roller coaster state. Luckily it's just a kiddie ride, not one of those flipping-you-around-killing-people-who-are-chewing-gum type of ride.

Damon just e-mailed me and it contained this:

Scorpios are arguably the most psychic, but are often too narrow to view anything BUT what they desire, so it's often squandered - kind of like you're getting signals that something is going to go wrong, but you do it anyway. Bad psychic! Bad!

Pisces are super psychic (my ex and my sister are fishies), but often are too emotional to get a clear signal. Cancers are psychic, but often are too insecure to follow it - that Aries side probably makes you more willing to go out on a limb like Shirley McClaine.


He cracks me up.

Next on the Raybear Show: therapy! Then cooking dinner! Then undetermined evening plans which may or may not include leaving the house!

But first....I eat an orange.