insomnia

Can't sleep, can't get settled, will go for a walk, will have a cigarette no matter how opposite that is because the nicotine will probably only make it worse. Can't go home to torture myself in my own bed because clothes are in the dryer though I suppose I could just go home with them wet in a bag and hang them up on fans in my own house. But I go for a walk instead, not fully dressed, not prepared to interact with people but it's 1 am so that shouldn't be an issue except it was. I got a block away when I hear a swoosh sound behind me so I turn and it's a person walking, five house back, they seem to have come from nowhere on this quiet residential sleepy street. I tense up completely, not wanting to panic but i don't often get nervous feelings so I don't want to ignore it either. I see a familiar car and I don't have keys to it, but I decide to walk towards it anyway, fumble with my keys until he walks past then I'll just turn around and berate myself for stupid paranoia. But I don't get that far. I step off the sidewalk and he starts talking to me. He's quiet, but I hear something about cigarettes. No, sorry. I don't. He doesn't believe me and gets closer. I say, no really, I don't, it's my only one, which isn't a lie though I 'm secretly glad because if I had a pack I would maybe give him one and that would put him at arm's length and why do I even care? He's shorter than me and I could maybe take him except if he had some weapon of some sort but why do I think he will? For some reason being alone on these residential streets seems more suspicios than in a busy intersection but then again, why am I out here? I cross the street, heading in the same direction, then approach a strange van and fumble with keys, mostly just to catch my breath and watch him walk away. But he's spotted me, turns and starts to cross the street towards me. I turn and walk away quickly, resisting the urge to run. A car is up ahead. I decide to just walk down the middle of the street in the path of their headlights. They go slow, possilby waiting to see if I'm leaving so they can take my parking spot. They go by. I turn and see no one on the sidewalks but it's dark and there are trees and shadows so I wonder and keep walking and at the end of the block I think about how completely overreacting I am but I'm tired while unable to sleep and not focusing and self-conscios because I'm not binding and don't want to risk an interaction. I'm more scared of being ridiculed for my chest than having the last ten dollars taken from my wallet.

So I come back more jittery and awake than when I left to I'll write and write until I sleep. When the computer is off I'll pick up a pen and keep going until my head is down on the paper and I'm drooling into a pool of ink on the notebook and tomorrow I won't be able to read the words and I'll curse every second that I'm awake and wish that I had a life where it didn't matter that I couldn't sleep because I can do whatever I wanted when I wanted without time or schedule.