Jan. 6th, 2004

raybear: (Spike)
My horoscope this morning said:
You may be overly concerned about your own happiness or about the safety of someone that you love. If you feel your emotions are too heavy, you need to remember to breathe.

I don't like that phrase "safety of someone you love". I do like the word "overly", because that implies it's less a reality and more of just a fear. Or at least one hopes.

Also on the astrological front, the moon moved into Cancer overnight and a full moon approaches, which normally would worry me a bit about my state of mind, but I'm just so damn pleased that Mercury is moving forward again that I don't care. When Mercury is retrograde, my communication problems aren't too external -- there's the occasional slow e-mail or cell phone on the fritz, but most of my difficulty is internal. It's like the neural pathways between my heart and my brain get crossed and reversed and I can't figure out what the hell I'm feeling or thinking and then I might say the opposite anyway. Mercury retrograde periods are often marked with instances of me thinking: "I really need to be social right now" but then I realize in the middle of it, oh wait, no I needed alone time. And vice versa.

Other than my mentor, I haven't spoken with anyone who's actually read ALL of Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I know a few people who started it, loved it initially, but then got bogged down by its relentless nature in chronicling the anxious self-sabotaging inner workings of what I believe is a remarkably common family. I am, apparently, a masochist. I can't stop reading about them. For a couple reasons, most importantly that it's a school assignment so I'm not just reading it voluntarily. Also, I'm reading with more of an eye as a writer, as in what can I learn about his choices and techiniques, rather than reading it as purely a voyage of entertainment or art. But perhaps the biggest compulsion is I trust him. I really do. I don't know why I trust Franzen so strongly but I can't help but think it's going to have intense resolution and I'm desperate to know where he's going to take me. I know I'm possibly be set up to be burned and then I will never trust him again as a writer, but that's okay too. A learning experience.

I think about the concept of "trust" a lot when it comes to movies and directors. I will go see movies with plotlines that seem boring and actors I hate, but if I know and love and trust the director, I'll often end up enjoying myself. I value directors who understand the importance of an audience, of not insulting the viewer's intelligence but also not overstepping the boundaries without guidance. I'm giving you my time, I'm suspending my disbelief, so don't disappoint me, don't take me for granted. Show me something new and scary and startling and strange, but don't do it at the expense of giving up on humanity. Don't fuck with me just to fuck with me -- do it with a purpose.

So we'll see, Mr. Franzen. I have about 250 pages to go before the weekend.

May 2010

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